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Well, I hate to break up our nationwide mewling contest, but Michael Jackson isn’t dead. I know the noble, trustworthy employees of UCLA have - like usual - leaked photos of Jackson’s eerie remains to the tabloids. I know the hospital’s top doctors recently posted a seven minute video of themselves moonwalking next to the corpse to prove he’s really gone, but that’s all a ruse.

Two words: Uncompahgre Wilderness. That’s where Michael Jackson is living. He made the move decades ago. The body being autopsied is not him. After releasing that ridiculous “Remember the Time” video starring Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson in 1992, he realized he had jumped the shark. To preserve his legacy and ensure he had privacy, he secretly asked his brother Tito to take his place.

That strange, white-faced, surgically altered Michael Jackson you’ve seen all these years? Tito. That’s why it always looked like his nose was falling off. The Neverland Ranch? Bought by Tito. Michael gave Tito most of his remaining wealth so he could keep up his image, and in typical Tito fashion, he bought an amusement park.

Remember the Michael Jackson album “Invincible”, released in 2001? Tito. And all the really awful new tracks from “HIStory”? Tito. The purchase of The Elephant Man’s bones? Tito. The unforgivable act of selling Beatles songs to advertisers? Tito. The marriage to Lisa Marie Presley? Tito. She demanded a divorce after realizing she had married Tito. Bubbles the monkey? That was actually Michael. Try as I might, I really can’t blame him for wanting to own a monkey. I’d like to own one as well.

Michael moved to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in Colorado to live the rest of his life in solitude. His vitiligo disease, which made his skin whiter, was getting worse, and this wilderness - which was well known for sightings of Bigfoot, leprechauns, and John Hughes - seemed a majestic place to hide. Legend has it this environmentally protected area is where unicorns are bred. Their saliva is used as the glaze for Krispy Kreme donuts.

Michael lives at the top of the highest peak in the region’s San Juan Mountains. His modest home is visited once per year by one of his relatives, who brings him a year’s supply of astronaut food. It is both nutritious and filling.

Family members close to Tito believe he was murdered by Michael. Living at the top of a mountain doesn’t allow one to catch up on the news as often as one would like, so Michael hadn’t heard about most of the horrible things Tito had done. However, when Jermaine Jackson made the annual trip this year to deliver astronaut food, he told Michael everything. In a rage, Michael descended the mountain and beat Tito to death inside the Neverland Ranch’s rumpus room.

So since Tito was actually Michael, then who’s this guy claiming to be Tito? That’s actually Marlon Jackson posing as Tito. Jackie Jackson is posing as Marlon, Randy Jackson is posing as Jackie, and Diana Ross cut her hair short to pose as Randy. Every image of Diana Ross from 1992 to present time is a hologram.

Basically, every living person involved in the Jackson 5 is a faker, save for Jermaine. He’s still legit. Janet and LaToya Jackson were never asked to participate, despite LaToya’s striking male features.

I also plan to move to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in a few years. Taking my place will be a seven-year-old boy who suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. Anyone who brings me astronaut food will be given updates on how Michael is doing.

I’m also not sure if “atone” is the right word, since I’m still stealing their internet right now, as I type this column. I feel bad, though. I’d like to note for the record that what I’m doing is wrong and I am a bad person. But I’m a bad person who now has a tremendously fast internet connection.

Since I’m broke and unemployed, my own internet connection is about as quick as Kirstie Alley. Web pages load in minutes rather than seconds. Youtube videos are worthless, taking roughly 15 minutes just to load 30 seconds of a cat playing a piano. Adult websites have become utterly useless. Downloading music online is impossible, as by the time the song downloads I’m already tired of the band.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I noticed an open wireless network labeled “DWC”. I know the world is filled with stupid people, but it’s still rare these days to find someone so dumb as to leave their internet connection open for anyone to use. Since I strongly believe stupid people should be exploited, I connected and tried out their service.

The speed was incredible. I could download videos, stream music, and load the Duluth News-Tribune’s website without falling asleep twice before it was done! It was like God’s own personal internet connection. I quickly made use of it, streaming an entire three-hour Minnesota Twins baseball game in high-definition. If 3 Mbps of streaming video didn’t teach them to put a password on their router, nothing would.

It was around the seventh inning when I got curious and searched for “DWC” on Google. I originally thought it was the initials of someone in my apartment building, but the connection seemed way too fast for a non-business line. I quickly found my answer. DWC apparently stands for “Deaf Wellness Center”, which is part of a Los Angeles school for deaf people near my apartment building. They’re located right next to the Braille Institute, near the stoplights that vibrate like sex toys when it’s safe to cross the street.

I felt horrible. How could I steal wireless internet from deaf people? I mean, I didn’t stop watching the baseball game or anything, because it was the seventh inning and Joe Mauer already had three hits, but I felt terrible. Deaf people need the internet, too. They have just as much of a right as the rest of us to waste their lives watching videos of cats being forced to play a musical instrument, or to be horrified by photos of Paula Abdul nipple slips.

Yet, as I watched Justin Morneau smash a home run to right field in brilliant HD quality, I began to rationalize the act. It was likely a community computer lab, so it’s not like it was going to be used for important things like classes or pornography. Besides, what do deaf people need lots of bandwidth for? It’s not like they’re downloading large collections of mp3’s. Perhaps they wouldn’t even notice.

Once I find steady work, I’ll go back to using my own internet connection. I promise. This isn’t permanent. I can stop stealing wireless internet from deaf people anytime I want. Just you wait. When I’m employed, the Twins season is over, and I’m done downloading all 17 Harry Potter movies, I’ll switch back to my own connection. You can trust me. I’m a man of high principles and virtue.