Gathering in small groups outside the capital, the damned huddled together, tearfully embracing one another. They share a common yet painful wound. It’s April 27, one week past the sacred marijuana-themed holiday, yet these 4/20 refugees still have not properly celebrated. Like millions across the world, these stoners were so high that they simply forgot to celebrate 4/20.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” said Blaine Simon, upon learning that it’s currently the month of April. “Fuuuuuuccccccccck. Shit, man. Fuck! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. What day is it? The 27th of what? April? Wait, what month? April? Fuuuuuuuuuck.”
Though unable to express it in human words, Simon is upset because 4/20 is the only day of the year he can post photos of himself smoking marijuana on social media without coming off as a complete assbag. Posting a photo now, one week after the 4/20 holiday, would reveal him as the huge pothead he actually is in real life. Though many argue it’s not much of a secret.
“Um, everyone already knows he’s a huge stoner,” said Tom Blankman, a complete stranger who only knows Simon through stories. “A normal person’s apartment doesn’t smell like an incense shop with dead skunks piled up to the ceiling. A normal person doesn’t sunbathe nude in the unfenced front yard of their apartment building. A normal person doesn’t eat Tang without adding water first. I can keep going if you want. A normal person doesn’t order pizza, immediately forget they ordered it and then order another one. A normal person doesn’t listen to Cypress Hill unironically. A normal person doesn’t come to their mother’s funeral in cutoff jean shorts and rollerblades. If someone meets him once and doesn’t know he’s a stoner, that person is not functioning properly as a human being.”
“Oh man, I can’t be outside right now. There’s too much outside,” retorted Simon, stumbling into a garbage can while attempting to walk. “There’s so much outside I can’t, like, handle my own outside, let alone everyone else’s outside. And God’s outside? Whoa, brah. Whoa.”
Joan Alvin, a lawyer representing Simon and numerous other 4/20 refugees, tried her best to explain the tragedy her people have suffered.
“You have to understand, my clients were high throughout 4/20 so they were technically celebrating, but they weren’t aware they were celebrating,” said Alvin. “This is absolutely devastating for them. Think of all the crappy, played out weed memes they could have texted to friends who have no interest whatsoever in viewing them. Imagine all the times Mr. Simon could have spoken to his dog telepathically through the unique vibes only visible to the mind’s eye on 4/20. These idiots – I’m sorry, I meant to say clients – these clients need to be compensated for their loss.”
Alvin is suing the American government for $100 million, a copy of the 1983 cereal box record “The Toucan Sam Workout”, and as many bags of Funyuns as she can fit into her 2017 Audi A8. Her clients have also required her to do a burnout while leaving with the Funyuns. The burnout is contractually obligated to be super dope.
“I don’t like to be crass,” said Alvin, “but I’m a good lawyer, so that burnout is gonna be dope as shit.”
Crescentbutt Theodore, another client of Alvin’s, has a slightly different problem. He celebrated 4/20, but accidentally did so on 4/19. He’s hoping the government is able to make financial amends for this error he made entirely on his own.
“I just need to borrow their time machine for a few minutes,” said Theodore. “I know the government has one. I’ll be careful not to step on any bugs or do anything else that will affect future timelines of our multiverse. I’m just gonna go back in time, kill the version of myself in that time period and take his place so I can smoke on the right day. I just need that time machine they keep in Area 51.”
Upon hearing the request, Governor Mark Dayton repeatedly banged his forehead against his desk.
“Sweet Christ, what do I care?” said Governor Mark Dayton. “Pretend tomorrow is 4/20 if you want. Find a cardboard box, Calvin and Hobbes the whole thing, and sit around watching weird anime videos of schoolgirls dressed like cats or whatever you people do. Just don’t tell me about it. It’s illegal, you idiots! I’m the governor, for cripes sake!”
If the pretend time machine route fails, there’s still one option left. While the United States is unwilling to offer refuge for people who forgot to smoke pot on pot smokey day, other countries are more sympathetic. Somalia has offered shelter to any American refugees who feel disenfranchised.
Alvin, Simon and Theodore said they’re open to a sunny locale like Somalia, and they’ll get to it right away, just as soon as they smoke a few more times.