“Many of his moves possibly looked good on paper, but watching him struggle with them is distressing, and a little heartbreaking.”
-Marissa Tonsilbars, Superior

“If Paul Ryan’s lovemaking were a movie, it would not be called ‘The Fast and The Furious’, for the furious part would be greatly misleading.”
-Amanda Weatherbee, Los Angeles

“A perfectly competent style of lovemaking that, unfortunately for Mr. Ryan, has exhausted its interest for most people. I suppose it would be a ’spoiler’ if I revealed some of his moves, but come on, does it matter? What if I revealed that he puts on, oh, say, ‘(I’ve had) The Time of My Life’ from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack before he begins? Would that spoil things for you? What difference does it make?”
-Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

“Paul Ryan’s lovemaking has the rare quality of being complicated and confusing to the novice user, yet insultingly limited to an experienced one.”
-Rachel Muncie, La Crosse

“The only thing you need to know about Paul Ryan is his boxer shorts have leprechauns on them. The rest of the story tells itself.”
-Angie Folds, Los Angeles

“I wished that a police officer would have entered the room during our lovemaking, and arrested him for loitering.”
-Beatrice Mahoney, Esko

“There’s nothing technically wrong with Paul Ryan’s lovemaking, but there’s nothing noteworthy about it either. It is the bare minimum of what one would expect a penis to do.”
-Nicole Hurwitz-Landsteiner-Abramczyk, Compton

“Different doesn’t always mean fun.”
-Claudia Hortenpoodge, Duluth

“One of the first major disappointments of 2010.”
-Walt Mossberg, Wall Street Journal

“Paul Ryan does a lot of things right – he showers regularly, he removes his socks beforehand, he doesn’t try to tell you jokes while climaxing – but a very short run time and a lack of content for the price make what could have been a great man into just a decent one.”
-Lacy Kerouac, Duluth

“Some people are brilliant improvisors. Paul Ryan, on the other hand, almost requires one to draw him a blueprint of their vagina beforehand.”
-Angelina Montegue, Minneapolis

“I’m all for being on top, but c’mon, let’s see some hustle out there.”
-Cynthia Formaldehyde, Los Angeles

“I’m sorry, I just had to comment again on how terrible this was. He wore a baseball cap during the whole thing, and I had to tell him twice to stop whistling the theme from The Andy Griffith Show.”
-Beatrice Mahoney, Esko

“Paul Ryan is a 30-year-old man that millions of women have already played with, so he’s not the most exciting option.”
-Jennifer Santos, San Diego

“The decorations in his bedroom include unicorns, Transformers, inflatable furniture, a framed photo of him with a bearded lady, and for some reason, a billboard-sized poster of Ayn Rand.”
-Carolyn Worcester, Duluth

“A horrible experience of unbearable quality, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves him asking if you’d like a plate of animal crackers placed on the nightstand for your immediate consumption after he’s finished. Such are the meagre joys.”
-Ayn Rand, Saint Petersburg

“I can’t believe I went to all the trouble of slipping him a roofie just for that. Now I have to find a taxi willing to transport unconscious people.”
-Clementine Marsuplious, Glendale

“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it’s probably Paul Ryan in a duck costume trying to have sex with you. Call the police.”
-Hallie Hasbrouck, Bakersfield

We, the somewhat elderly, have collectively wrecked thousands of enjoyable trends over the years. We ruined Kings of Leon, turning them from a band young people liked into one where every show is filled with swooning middle-aged women. We ruined the phrases “bling”, “blowin’ up” and “wassup”, and though young people have changed the latter to “What’s crackin’”, we are working on ruining that as well.

But our biggest achievement is ruining Facebook. What used to be a trendy tool to aide the social lives of young people is now a cesspool of everyone young people were trying to avoid in the first place. Your parents? Check. Your grandparents? They’re on Facebook now too. Your boss? Yup. What was once a hip college hangout now has the atmosphere of a job interview.

Swearing on someone else’s profile is nearly guaranteed to be followed by a comment from that person’s mother, grandmother, uncle, pilates trainer, or overly religious relative asking you to “Please watch your language.” Posting a photo of you and a group of friends having a beer will cause a mad rush amongst those friends to remove your photo tags of them before it shows up in their boss’ news feed.

As Walter Cronkite famously said, “There is no such thing as a little freedom. Either you are all free, or you are not free. Facebook used to be free, but now it is a stinky pile of poop.” While Facebook is still the social network of choice, I give it two years before all the young people flee for something else, leaving the old people to muck about in their own filth.

That “something else” will likely be Google Buzz. Debuted a week ago, Buzz takes the core features of Facebook and combines them with the simplicity of Twitter. You can’t play obnoxious games or take boring surveys, but it’s simpler and incorporates all the raw elements that make connecting with friends fun. They’ve built a strong foundation free of clutter or marketing, which is why we older people must poop all over it as quickly as possible.

That’s why I’m writing this column. This is my call to arms for weirdos, skeezoids, wasters, druggies, drunkards, and anarchists to join up. No, wait. I’m sorry. Those types of people are actually fun. Let’s try this again. This is a call to arms for parents, the elderly, the middle-aged, obnoxious relatives, overly religious people who won’t shut up about it, and partisan retards trolling their friends’ status updates so they can fight with strangers about global warming. Join up and tear this mother down!

Post photos of your unattractive children! Upload thousands of images of your cats sitting in sinks! Petition Google to add Bejewled and a series of games involving moderately sexy vampires! Demand that Google allow “fan pages” so you’ll know exactly how many of your friends enjoy Coca-Cola! Make it a douche place! Make it a douche place!

Or perhaps we should wait instead, biding our time while Google Buzz gains popularity. The transition from Facebook will take a few years, just like the transition from MySpace. When Facebook went public, all the MySpace people complained that it was boring. There were no bands, you couldn’t customize your profile with glittery backgrounds and 40 pieces of clip art, and you couldn’t add 20 videos to your page and crash everyone’s browser.

Facebook people are complaining in the same way about Google Buzz. They say it’s boring and doesn’t allow people to showcase their individuality through Farmville, MobWars, and MS Paint-style applications where you can draw a crude penis and post it on your friend’s profile. But as more of their friends join Google Buzz, these people will see the appeal.

Let them build it. Let it grow. Then we will come in with our LOL cats and “Hitler reacts to” parody videos that we just found out about and tear their little world to pieces. Bonitas est pessimis esse meliorem.