Here are the latest new television programs hitting your screen this fall!
Tergus Dongley: Dog Flipper (FOX, reality show). Follow Tergus Dongley and his zany family as they buy the cutest dogs from the pound for $80 each and then flip them on Petfinder a week later for $600! You’ll laugh as his customers find out the hard way that none of the dogs are trained or housebroken! You’ll cry when half the dogs he sells end up having huge medical issues that bankrupt their new owners! You’ll curse angrily when he throws the dogs that don’t sell into a dumpster behind a Burger King!
Madam Secretary (CBS, drama). A lady Secretary of State?! OMG, that’s crazy!!! What happens when she has her period!?!! Tune in every week and watch Tea Leoni do things normally only accomplished by men like John Kerry or Hillary Clinton. She’ll do all sorts of shocking things you don’t normally see ladies do, like earn a paycheck, talk on the phone without gossiping, or converse with other men without her husband present. Aaron Sorkin didn’t write it, so rest assured this political drama won’t make you hate your television set.
Guy Who Notices Shit (ABC, mystery). Todd Beaves (Josh Radnor) used to be a cop, and a damn good one, but he was too eccentric to stay on the force. Now he’s a private detective, and the cops have hired him to help solve crimes! Roll your eyes again and again as the brilliant detective points out random things that no one else notices, conveniently spinning them into plot points that the writers can pull out of their asses without having to construct an actual mystery. It’s great to watch while you’re high, because you don’t have to figure anything out! Feel free to doze off for half of it. You won’t really miss anything interesting.
NCIS: Who Cares (CBS, mystery). This spinoff doesn’t have a location because who cares? It’s NCIS. There’s like ten of them. Perhaps this one takes place in Salt Lake City, where a gang of criminal drinkers are consuming hard liquor without buying the state-mandated chaser to go with it. Maybe it’s based in Ames, Iowa, where the team is hunting down cow thieves and teenagers who make too much noise after 7pm. No matter the location, you’ll watch it because people like things that are familiar to them. Be sure to also catch The Avengers 3, Spiderman 12 and Batman 126 in theaters this summer! The scripts are all written by machines now!
New York Show (NBC, comedy). Watch this cast of vapid J.Crew models living it up in New York and doing pretentious New Yorker things that are glamorous, sexy and exciting all at once! Excitedly gush to your friends when the actors mention real street names that actually exist in New York! Try to forget how much you hate New Yorkers so you can enjoy this unnecessary love letter to one of the most overrated and overexposed cities in the world!
Los Angeles Show (NBC, comedy). Watch this cast of vapid J.Crew models living it up in Los Angeles and doing pretentious Los Angeleno things that are glamorous, sexy and exciting all at once! Excitedly gush to your friends when the actors mention real street names that actually exist in Los Angeles! Try to forget how much you hate Los Angelenos so you can enjoy this unnecessary love letter to one of the most overrated and overexposed cities in the world!
Mulany (FOX, comedy). An unfunny comedian (John Mulany) gets his own unfunny multi-camera sitcom. It’s like Seinfeld without Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer or the brilliant writing of Larry David! You’ve all seen Mulaney’s awful stand-up comedy special that Netflix has been pimping for the past two months! Now watch this new awkward bile!
Gotham (FOX, drama). It’s Batman without Batman! Have you ever wanted to watch a superhero show that focuses solely on background characters who have no powers or abilities? Then you’re in luck! Watch Commissioner Gordon as he fills out paperwork, writes memos about color copier usage, and chooses which officers to layoff in the next budget cuts! Each episode will include at least 17 vague references to Batman. Be sure to also check out FOX’s other new drama shows about the janitors at Smallville’s high school, or about the receptionist who assists the accountants who handle Iron Man’s taxes.
JWLTF (NBC, dramedy). Judge Who Likes to Fuck is about a very well respected judge who likes to get wasted and see how many dongs she can fit in her mouth once the work day is over. The first episode explores the difficulty added to her job when she realizes there’s still splooge stuck in her hair from the night before. Dry shampoo alone can’t fix this one! Or can it? Tune in and watch this one joke get stretched out over an entire 24 episode television series!
Overly Specific Racial Comedy #4,735 (CW, comedy). A young Asian or Hispanic or African American or Insert Non-Caucasian Race Here girl has a zany and very ethnic family! This ain’t The Cosby Show! No seriously, it’s not The Cosby Show. The issues covered in that award-winning, universally beloved show were very broad and easy for people of all races and creeds to identify with, thereby humanizing African Americans to everyone. This show is a bunch of inside jokes that just reinforce stereotypes and make that particular race seem weird.