Standing tall and pretty as a picture, Vice President Joe Biden announced his candidacy today for the 2016 Miss Universe pageant.
“Vice Presidents don’t really do much,” said Biden. “So over the past seven years, I’ve had a lot of time to get myself ready for swimsuit season. I’m doing all this work for myself, but I figured if someone happens to notice how nice I look and wants to give me a prize for it, well heck, I like prizes!”
Sources within The White House say the Vice President has been practicing for months, balancing books on his head while walking through the legislature to improve his posture, practicing smiling and waving into the front-facing camera of his cellphone during Senate hearings, and even having secret service agents try to catch him off guard by asking challenging questions about womanhood at random times throughout each day.
“The essence of being a woman is in harvesting the wheat of my coital loins,” whispered Biden, pacing outside the Lincoln Bedroom as he tried to memorize his answers. “When I embrace the true potency and intrinsic strength and presence of my feminine energy, I’m sharing the beauty of my feminine details without giving away my preciousness. Our collective ovaries are a school bus without a stop, and only we may drive.”
President Obama has reportedly been supportive of Biden’s ambitions, but drew the line at him approaching White House tour groups while wearing evening gowns. The valuable feedback the Vice President received from Real Americans regarding colors that best match his eyes and whether or not adding glitter to his eyeshadow compliments or distracts from the sequins in his dress was simply not worth the security risk.
Yet White House staffers say security isn’t as big a concern as general intelligence. It’s been incredibly difficult just getting the Vice President to understand even the basic premise of the pageant itself. After months of intellectual grooming, staffers still find themselves unable to convince Biden that being Miss Universe would not put him in the position of negotiating with aliens.
“If chosen as the ovarian overlord of this entire universe, I would spread my buttery lady wheat to as many extraterrestrials as possible,” said Biden – with a straight face – to a Washington Post reporter. “Throughout history, peace has not been made through words, but through bloodlines. If an alien gets me pregnant, that guy’s not gonna destroy our planet, because his kid is half human. After he’s forced to spend time with us, he’ll realize we’re all the same underneath, and he’ll find things about our species to like. It’s the same way we solved racism back in the 1960s, so I’m pretty sure it will work with all the aliens I’ll be talking to once I’m crowned Miss Universe.”
There have been plenty of Biden’s trademark gaffes during the process. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd complained that Biden repeatedly asked her to visit the White House so that he could, in his own words, “inhale her feminism secondhand.” Dowd walked out once she realized this process mostly involved letting him rub her shoulders for an uncomfortably long period of time. Times columnist David Brooks complained of the same issue.
Vice President Biden claims he’s worked to increase his respect and dedication to women’s issues, yet he still seems unable to hold back when opportunities to make a sexist comment present themselves.
“Jesus, look at the jugs on that one,” said Biden, lightly elbowing the reporter next to him and pointing at Miss Guatemala. “Looks like you’d need both hands just to juggle one of ‘em. ”
The reporter sighed and rolled her eyes before reluctantly writing the quote down in her notebook.
The press isn’t the only group criticizing Biden. As expected, the Vice President’s political rivals were quick to jump on the opportunity. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, who holds partial ownership of the Miss Universe pageant, was especially harsh of Biden’s desire to compete in the event.
“Joe Biden’s an extremely unattractive woman,” said Trump. “You take a look at him, he’s a slob. He’s disgusting both inside and out. He talks like a truck driver, he doesn’t have his facts, he’ll say anything that comes to his mind. He’s basically a disaster. I fully understand why he has to take the train to work every day instead of driving a car.”
“I actually look forward to seeing him compete,” countered Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “My stars, how I love a Texas pageant! If he exhibits poise and a certain air of grace, he has as much chance as anybody. That’s what I love about pageants! Anyone can win! Anyone at all! They just have to work hard, carry themselves with sophistication and elegance, and tuck their penis between their legs so the judges have to buy the cow before getting the milk for free.”
As the day of pageanting grows nearer, Biden says he is finding the calmness and inner peace that will allow him to leave his previous gaffes in the past and twirl ever so slowly – so the judges can take in his full form – into the future.
“I can’t speak for America, only for myself,” said Biden, “but I think I’ll do great in the pageant. People really only care about the swimsuit competition, and in that category I’m pretty on fleek. With my old-fashioned good manners and the dignity I bring to this . . . Boy, look at the cahooneys on McCain’s daughter. I’ll bet she has to drink eight gallons of water a day to keep those humps full.”