Skip to content

It’s still winter and everything is crappy

January, February and March are the worst months of the year. Everything is colder, darker. Our entire life seems more claustrophobic, as if every drop in temperature moves the walls of our home a few feet inward. We feel like a rat in a cage, or Superman in glasses, or Donny Ness in a mayor’s office.

Even the snow turns filthy and brittle this time of year. The once fluffy and pretty piles of it are now brown and moist, as if Clifford the Big Red Dog accidentally ate a giant bowl of eggs and chose our lawn to unload his mountain of feces. Nothing adds to the bitterness of a homeowner like a brown lawn and the looming threat of taxes in April.

Everything innocent turns sour in these bleak times. The whole world seems to grow older in a few short months. Everyone’s a little fatter, a little more grizzled and beaten down. Snowball fights that were carefree and fun in December are now angsty and bitter, like war. February “snowballs” are jagged shards of ice, and you can be certain that anyone who arms themselves with one doesn’t have fun on their mind. Their heart is filled only with icy cold vengeance. That son of a bitch wants to take out your eye.

Local residents ready to riot over Dunkin’ Donuts delay

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced that their new Duluth location, slated to open this spring at the corner of Central Entrance and Basswood Ave, has been delayed until the fall. We walked the streets to find residents willing to give their opinions. The response was overwhelming:

 
“Well I’m not going to wait forever! I’m just kidding, I’ll totally wait forever. Just please don’t leave! Dunkin’s chain stores with gas station donuts and drip coffee is literally all I have in my life! Tell me when to line up! I’ll do anything for you! ANYTHING! Take my virginity if you want! No one else will!”
-Bartholomew Crackers, MD

“Goddamn it. Why the hell did I pay two grand for this Rascal scooter if I’m not going to be fat enough to use it? They need to start thinking about the investments locals have made to support this franchise.”
-Charles Lordly, assistant restroom cleaner

“This delay is terrible news. Wife beatings are already up 74 percent.”
-Mark Fart, Duluth Police Chief

You guys! Michelle Obama redecorated the White House dining room!

Breaking news!! White House officials announced they have allowed First Lady Michelle Obama to redecorate the White House dining room! OMG! It’s totes exciting news for the White House’s most fab lady babe! You go, girl!

“This is a bold step,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary and women’s suffrage badass! “For years, our nation has only allowed the wives of presidents to decorate the regular dining room. But our progressive administration, which cares deeply for women’s rights, is allowing Michelle to decorate the other dining room.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEWS ABOUT LINDSAY LOHAN’S VAGINA

Yes, Girl Power is alive and well in our nation’s capitol! If the redesign goes well, Michelle may also be allowed by her male handlers to speak to others about the dining room! YOLO! If she’s especially good and doesn’t Biden up the place, the news networks may reward her by discussing her taste in art for ten seconds before returning to commenting on the size and shape of her arms!

How to treat your sweetie snookums on Valentine’s Day!!!

My apologies, but the headline is a farce. I don’t care about your sweetie snookums. The fact that you call them “sweetie snookums” automatically makes both of you awful. If your snookums was speared through the buttocks by an antelope, I’d laugh because that’s exactly what I expect would happen to someone named “snookums”. It’s a comic relief name. “Here lies Snookums, with two holes in his butt.”

I also assume that anyone referred to as “hubby” lost their leg in a boating accident. Not sure why.

Every year on Valentine’s Day, bitter single people write articles about how the holiday was “created by Hallmark” or “makes love into a transaction” or “if your wife really loved you, she wouldn’t wait until a holiday to bang you.” But single people don’t want to read negative or positive things about Valentine’s Day. Even committed people just want to move past this tedious holiday and enjoy their lives again. So I’m going to ignore Valentine’s Day this week and tell a completely unrelated story about how I once tried to drunkenly stumble across the Blatnik Bridge. You’re welcome.

So it’s four days after the Super Bowl and you still have a hangover

It’s been nearly a week since the Super Bowl. If the party you attended was any good, you might still be drunk. Fortunately for you, this very column you’re reading is written by an expert in poor drinking choices. Here are some hangover tips to get that fizzle back in your . . . thing. Or something.

– Get the hell out of bed, you lazy, good for nothing jackass. The longer you stay horizontal, the worse you’ll feel. That’s science, fool. What the hell are you waiting for? Your mommy? Is she gonna make your boo boo go away? Get off your ass, deadbeat. This is America, not some millennial little league game where everyone gets a trophy. If you want your hangover to go away, stand up and punch it in the face.

– Seriously though, call your mom. She’s crazy old, so she probably knows all kinds of messed up hangover cures that you’ve never even heard of. Probably something involving snake venom, riding a motorcycle naked down a dirt road or filling your whiny face hole with copious amounts of water and swallowing it. If she’s a good mom, I guarantee she’ll recommend at least one of those things.

– You can take ibuprofen and aspirin at the same time. Just make sure neither of them share an active ingredient or contain acetaminophen. If you don’t heed this warning, you’re going to destroy your liver and not be able to drink anymore, and lord knows you wouldn’t make it a day in that terrible job of yours without a little help from Dr. Keystone or his younger, more successful brother, Dr. Keystone Light.