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NorShor Theater to become Fleshlight factory

After years of being jerked around, the city of Duluth is finally moving to completion in its attempt to erect the NorShor Theater downtown. Mayor Don Ness announced today that the theater has been sold to ILF, Inc. The company plans to use the space to manufacture its flagship Fleshlight adult gratification products.

“It’s been a lot of long, hard work by rigid men,” said Ness, proudly waving a Fleshlight in his raised hand. “But this factory will lubricate our local economy and inseminate hundreds of jobs into the area. After years of being thrust again and again into slippery financial holes, we will finally be able to stimulate our economy with our own hands.”

Fleshlights are artificial ladyparts contained within a handy carrying case that looks like a flashlight. These portable vaginas/butts became popular in late 2012, after Bruce Springsteen used one while performing his hit song “Glory Days” on The Tonight Show. The short musical interlude after the second chorus provided just enough time for a demonstration.

Donate, or be peed upon

I’m a big fan of ALS. I knew about it long before you did. I was into ALS back when you were still all up on heart disease’s nuts. I was first. You’re just discovering it now, because you are less worldly and cool than me. This information is very damaging to your fragile ego. I like ALS’ early stuff best, before it went all mainstream with ice bucket challenges for squares like you. Now that you and everyone else knows about it, I hate ALS and want to get rid of it.

Seriously. ALS is sooooooo lame, you guys.

If I see another ice bucket challenge from someone who has donated nothing, I might voluntarily develop Tourette’s Syndrome. So here’s what I’m proposing to further help the cause and get this unfashionable disease eradicated: I’m going to visit all my friends and relatives who did the ice bucket challenge. If they can’t produce a receipt proving they’ve also donated to the cause, I’m going to dump a bucket of my warm urine on their heads.

[Not Satire] Humanity deemed too stupid to recognize satire

After decades of the least intelligent members of society producing the vast majority of the offspring, human beings have declared themselves too dumb to differentiate real news from satirical sources. “Satire” tags will now be added on Facebook when an article is a satirical farce, thereby ruining said farce completely.

“I give up,” said Anna Kendrick, a gas station attendant from Cheyenne, WY with an IQ of 53, well above the national average. “This article is titled ‘Johnny Manziel retires early to start horse gynecology clinic’, but is it real? I can’t tell! Damn you, non-mainstream media!”

The satire tags will keep blatantly obvious entertainment websites like The Onion from being interpreted as real news. Political articles promoting blatant lies and intentionally misleading information will be allowed to continue unfettered.

“I don’t read no news,” said Amy Adams, a Walmart greeter from St. Louis, MO. “But I seen the newsies on Facebook, so I reading enough. Did you know Obama don’t pay taxes and I pay for his daughter penis implant? My moneys stolen liberal agenda illegal immigrant rape monkeys but I knows the truth! It get me all riled up!”

I taught my dog a trick

The dog was only inside the refrigerator for a few moments. Five seconds tops. I swear. It was his idea anyway. He initiated. I just went along with it. In my defense, Gonzo really seemed to enjoy being locked in my refrigerator. There’s turkey and beer in there.

It was warm this weekend, and my apartment doesn’t have air conditioning, so Gonzo’s desire to climb into my fridge was understandable. I’ve tried to crawl in there myself a few times during the hotter days of the summer, but I could never get the door closed. So when he decided to curl up inside of it, I said, “Meh. Good for him. Livin’ the dream.”

I had planned to grab a beer, but when the cool air hit me, I couldn’t help but hold the door open for a minute or so. Seeing this opportunity, Gonzo approached the open fridge door, put one paw inside and looked back at me to see if I’d yell at him. I was intrigued, so I didn’t. He then crawled into the bottom shelf of the fridge and curled into a ball to take a nap.

Reviews of various things that displease me

Hipster guy’s beard on Metro Bus 217 - Scraggly. Uncouth. Appears to have both the texture and consistency of pubic hair. Which end is up? I can’t tell if I’m looking at his face or if he’s sitting upside down with his pants off. Hipster win, life fail. If he ever leaves this city, he’ll starve to death. C-

Stray cat found downtown - Black and white. Boring. Not punk rock enough. Needs tattoos, a medusa piercing and gauges in its ears (at least 9/16”). Will not date this cat until changes are made. B-

Harem pants - Let’s get one thing straight: Those harem pants that are super trendy right now? Those are Zubaz. You are wearing Zubaz. I’m not going to judge, because I’m not very trendy myself. All I’m saying is you’re going to look back on this in 10 years and say, “Oh my god, I was wearing Zubaz.” D-

Oversized tortoise shell reading glasses that women have started wearing again for some idiotic reason - Tootsie. You look like Tootsie. Since you were born after 1990, I’ll explain. You look like a man dressed like a woman who traveled here in a time machine and somehow didn’t realize how ugly those glasses look compared to normal ones. It is not 1982, folks. Hideously ugly is not the new sexy (to be honest, it actually is the case in the fashion world right now, but let’s try to contain it so it doesn’t get worse). D