Residents of Superior, WI are about to get a delicious surprise. City officials have declared Monday, March 5 to be Free Lemon Snow Cone Day! Firefighters will be traveling across the city, their fire hoses filled with sugary lemon syrup, spraying random snowbanks to transform them into delicious lemon snow cones for all!
For one day only, the depressing piles of colorless snow will become tasty yellow treats worth getting excited about! If you’re lucky enough to see yellow snow in Superior next week, that’s a free lemon snowcone courtesy of the city! Just grab a handful and dig in! Locations will vary, but Mayor Bruce Hagen said most yellow snowbanks will be found near the bars along Tower Avenue and the blocks adjacent to local fraternities.
“Wisconsin winters can be very long and difficult, and we hope to turn everyone’s depression into joy,” said Mayor Hagen. “We wanted to let residents suffering from seasonal affective disorder know that they don’t have to go it alone. They have a friend in their mayor, and I hope they won’t hesitate to grab a big handful of yellow snow and let it melt right in their mouth.”
Depression is a widespread problem in Superior. The city is one of the most depressed in the state, with an average annual income of only $573, compared to the national average of $26,964. However, this amount does not include piles of old Gordon Lightfoot records kept in one’s basement. Superior also ranks very low in average annual blowjobs – known by Wisconsin residents as “whodingers” – with the average Superior resident only receiving three whodingers per year. The national average is three per month. These two directly related statistics helped give birth to Free Lemon Snow Cone day.
“Superior has more bars than people because depression is as widespread as the grey-fringed skies,” said Bruce Wiebe, city planner. “We had to do something to keep the populace from drinking themselves into a coma. I only got one whodinger all last year. Cripes, it’s awful. Sometimes I just sit in my car with the garage door closed, wondering who would care if I turned the key and let it run. But there’s no need for that when there’s free snow cones outside!”
Along with helping residents get through the dreary winter months, Free Lemon Snow Cone Day also helps the city become more environmentally friendly. By encouraging residents to eat yellow snow, the city will save thousands of dollars in snow shoveling costs. Snow shoveling is roughly 15 percent of the city’s annual budget. The other 85 percent is spent on buckets of gin for the town donkey. His name is Petaluma, and he is very, very pretty.
“Hic! Hic!” said the donkey, hiccuping and stumbling into a fencepost while local children cheered. The adorable ass was a gift from Denald Kempton of nearby Poplar, who wanted to provide fun entertainment for kids after learning the city couldn’t afford to build a playground.
The most important job preparing for Free Lemon Snow Cone Day is making residents aware of it. Officials are spreading word with a clever marketing campaign they like to call “Welcome to Flavor Town.” A large billboard near the Bong Bridge shows a man lying in a pristine snowbank while a stream of sweet yellow syrup sprays all over his face. “Sweet relief comes March 5”, reads the tagline.
With the event coming up soon, locals are already reminiscing about last year’s event.
“I don’t know how they do it, but some of the yellow snowbanks I’ve found taste different,” said Harvey Dingle of Superior Township. “Most of it tastes like lemon, but sometimes you find a special yellow snowbank that tastes a bit peculiar. My wife doesn’t like those ones, but they’re rare, so I always cram as much of them in my mouth as I can.”
Sometimes the event even has celebrities showing up to the festivities. Former Duluth meteorologist Sven Sundgaard reportedly drove past people eating lemon snow last year, rolled down his car window, mumbled “I can’t believe I left this place” and then drove away.
Free Lemon Snow Cone Day begins at 9am on March 5. The city is making the snowbanks much harder to find this year. If you can’t find one right away, drive around for a bit and keep your eyes peeled for some refreshing lemon flavored snow. While the city only holds the event one day each winter, some residents are lucky enough to find undiscovered lemon snowbanks months later. If that happens, rest assured that the flavor stays good forever.
“I saw a lot of yellow snowbanks left over from last year by the local dog park, and they were delicious,” said Mayor Hagen. “I honestly can’t think of any way this event could possibly go wrong.”