Skip to content

Biden announces candidacy for 2016 Miss Universe

Standing tall and pretty as a picture, Vice President Joe Biden announced his candidacy today for the 2016 Miss Universe pageant.

“Vice Presidents don’t really do much,” said Biden. “So over the past seven years, I’ve had a lot of time to get myself ready for swimsuit season. I’m doing all this work for myself, but I figured if someone happens to notice how nice I look and wants to give me a prize for it, well heck, I like prizes!”

Sources within The White House say the Vice President has been practicing for months, balancing books on his head while walking through the legislature to improve his posture, practicing smiling and waving into the front-facing camera of his cellphone during Senate hearings, and even having secret service agents try to catch him off guard by asking challenging questions about womanhood at random times throughout each day.

“The essence of being a woman is in harvesting the wheat of my coital loins,” whispered Biden, pacing outside the Lincoln Bedroom as he tried to memorize his answers. “When I embrace the true potency and intrinsic strength and presence of my feminine energy, I’m sharing the beauty of my feminine details without giving away my preciousness. Our collective ovaries are a school bus without a stop, and only we may drive.”

Man walking dog sober for first time losing patience

Greg Botwin, age 27, has owned a dog for seven years, and today is the first time he hasn’t been high while walking him. The experience has been less than stellar.

“I never realized how boring walking a dog can be,” said Botwin. “Everything’s so… not euphoric. I used to stare blankly into space the whole walk and think about how soft a bathtub full of marshmallows would be, or how amazing it looks when boobs jiggle in slow motion, or I’d daydream about breaking into a candy factory at night and jumping into a huge vat of chocolate. But now those daydreams all seem really stupid, and I’m realizing how much I hate walking this god-forsaken dog.”

Botwin always smokes a bowl after getting home from work, making walks with the dog pleasant and calming. But today he has to attend brunch with his future in-laws, so he’s unable to get high. As a result, his walk with the dog has become a tension-filled nightmare.

“I just wanna shout ‘HURRY UP’ at him, like, every five seconds,” said Botwin. “Does the dog always walk this slow? Does he always sniff every single damn thing on his way around the block? I mean, I can understand hitting up all the trees, or even all the signposts and fire hydrants, but why is he stopping to pee on that wall? That’s not even a plausible thing a dog can own. Good lord, dog! Just keep walking for, like, five seconds without stopping! Just c’mon already! Can we go, dog? Is your royal highness satisfied? Jesus.”

Latest Farmer’s Almanac loathed by all

The Old Farmer’s Almanac, an institution in the agriculture world for 224 years, has just concluded that you’re going to freeze your balls off this winter. The latest publication hits stores this week, and locals are fuming over its prediction of one of the coldest, snowiest winters in recent history.

As expected, local farmers were the least amused by the predictions.

“I wish the whole lot of them would go eat a bag of dicks,” said Frank Junkers, a farmer from Denham, MN. “Every year they predict an endless winter followed by a dry summer, and every year I tell them to eat dicks. There’s no way to know for sure, but I suspect they haven’t eaten even one. There’s not a lot of integrity over there.”

Study: One in three fantasy football league drafts end in orgies

It started innocently enough. Mark Hampton of Superior, WI selected running back Le’Veon Bell with the first pick of his fantasy football league’s draft and high-fived his friend Kenneth. It was an emotional high-five. After four straight years in last place, Hampton finally won the draft lottery and was able to select the best player, whom also happened to be his lifelong hero. Emotions were running high.

Hampton high-fived another guy. Then another. Sally gave him a fist bump. Glenna and her husband Dan provided an overly handsy congratulatory hug. Before long, all eight people in the group were nude and covered in damp orange Cheeto dust, thrusting and grinding uncontrollably against one another like critically wounded animals who might never feel the warmth of daylight again.

A recent study has shown that Hampton’s experience was not a rare one. Precisely one out of every three fantasy football drafts in the United States end in graphic, unadulterated orgies. And not the attractive Hollywood kind. Rather, real people orgies where sweat pours off an out of shape middle-aged man’s reddened, grunting face, dripping and collecting into a pool in an anonymous stranger’s butt crack.

Big game hunters surprised that people think they’re dicks

The old woman only stood 4’10”, but the pose chosen by the taxidermist shows a powerful yet graceful grandmother, her wooden switch raised and ready to strike disobedient children, her eyes dangerous and electric like bottled lightning, her facial features twisted into a tight knot as she shouts an expletive. Thus is the skill of a talented taxidermist, and the reason why she is the crown jewel of big game hunter Bill Preston’s collection.

Hunters and taxidermists have been under fire as reports alleging illegal poaching have dominated the headlines, but Preston wants everyone to know that most who legally hunt human beings are really nice, caring people.

“When we hunt big game, it’s done with utmost respect for the person,” said Preston, a retired account executive from Two Harbors, MN. “We really care about these people as we’re hunting them, removing their skin, stuffing it full of sawdust and arranging the corpse so it will be entertaining to others.”