I’m a big fan of ALS. I knew about it long before you did. I was into ALS back when you were still all up on heart disease’s nuts. I was first. You’re just discovering it now, because you are less worldly and cool than me. This information is very damaging to your fragile ego. I like ALS’ early stuff best, before it went all mainstream with ice bucket challenges for squares like you. Now that you and everyone else knows about it, I hate ALS and want to get rid of it.
Seriously. ALS is sooooooo lame, you guys.
If I see another ice bucket challenge from someone who has donated nothing, I might voluntarily develop Tourette’s Syndrome. So here’s what I’m proposing to further help the cause and get this unfashionable disease eradicated: I’m going to visit all my friends and relatives who did the ice bucket challenge. If they can’t produce a receipt proving they’ve also donated to the cause, I’m going to dump a bucket of my warm urine on their heads.
This will take some time, mainly because I can only produce so much urine at once. Most people don’t know this, but it can take up to a month to produce enough urine to fill a modestly-sized bucket. It’s a fact. I looked it up on Yahoo Answers. It will take twice as long since I also have to fill up the backup bucket in case I miss. So you might not see me for two or three years, but it’s coming, reader. The Ramblings Tepid Urine Challenge is on its way to your home, whether you like it or not!
“But Paul, I don’t want to have a bucket of your tepid urine dumped into my face holes,” you might say. Well it’s mandatory, so you don’t really have a choice. I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure I have the right to dump a bucket of my own warmed urine onto whomever I like! I mean, c’mon! This is America! Land of the free!
My question for you is why do you hate people with ALS? Don’t you want them to be cured? If people are lying on their deathbeds and the cure for what ails them is a mere four gallon bucket of urine away, wouldn’t you agree to that? Life is precious, and pee is just pee. It’s sterile – and it’s even more sterile when there’s four gallons of it. You could drink the whole bucket without a straw and you’d still be fine.
“Fine”, of course, being a relative term when discussing the aftereffects of having a bucket of pee poured into your open mouth while you sleep. Honestly, having a Jug o’ Yellow dumped on you is no different than eating a steak dinner. It’s just tepid urine in place of the steak. Almost no difference. Barely noticeable.
What’s that? You object to this “poorly conceived” idea? You prefer not to participate in this challenge? That’s adorable, but I’m going to do it anyway. What are you gonna do? Call the police? Good luck. “Help, a guy is going to dump pee on me sometime in the next two to four years” doesn’t exactly send the police running to help you. You might as well just donate $100 to ALS research and avoid the Tepid Urine Challenge.
There’s no specific law forbidding me from dumping my rancid urine on you. Assault? Sure. Sexual harassment? You bet. A violation of the Don’t Pee On People Act of 1902? Certainly. But there’s no specific law against peeing in a bucket and then dumping that bucket on another human being. I am an unstoppable force, reader.
You think I’m pathetic? Well, Lou Gehrig doesn’t think I’m pathetic, and he had a lifetime batting average of .340, so he outranks you. What have you done in your life? Some boring expense reports? Well Gehrig inspired your dads. All of them. Donating to ALS research would help you catch up.
Donating helps everyone win. You don’t have to smell like month-old bucket pee, I don’t have to spend months drinking case after case of Tecate just to teach one person a lesson, and ALS sufferers get . . . well, they get whatever thing helps them. I don’t know, because I haven’t bothered to research the disease or learn anything about it. I know it’s bad. I know we should get rid of it. I know you can’t play baseball when you have it, but that’s about it. I’ll leave all the fancy googling to the scientists. That’s what they’re paid the big bucks for. I’m the guy who pees on people. I work for free, and the effort matches the pay.
So just donate to The ALS Association already, so I don’t have to pee on you. Unless you like that sort of thing, in which case please let me know because I’m really not comfortable with that.