Results

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
If you can eat 41 hot dogs in 10 minutes, you should be put to sleep. I just want to go on record as saying that. I don’t care if it’s part of a competition. It’s unnatural and wrong. Anyone who can stuff that many links of pig anus and horse foreskin down their throat in such a short period should be feared, not celebrated.

The International Federation of Competitive Eating - yes, there’s people who probably get paid a larger salary than you just to organize eating contests - recently held a hot dog eating contest in Minnesota. The winner qualified for a national competition. This goes against my suggestion of having all the losing contestants euthanized, and the winner carried to the town square and burned like a witch.

Why do we encourage this creepy feat? I find it very hypocritical that Americans celebrate people who can easily slide hot dogs down their throat, yet condemn porn starlets who possess the very same skills. Frankly, anyone who can swallow a foot-long hot dog without chewing should be shot with silver bullets like a werewolf.

I just mopped the floor of my apartment using Swiffer mopping cloths with Febreze, and I can’t even begin to describe how horrible it smells. A little Febreze on a spill is fine, but use it on your entire floor and your whole apartment smells like a sweaty sock. Nothing makes the odor go away. Nothing.

I’m gonna sleep in my car tonight. I can’t take this shit. It’s like lemon juice mixed with Lysol. This is how I’ve been sitting for the past hour:

Somebody firebomb my apartment so I can get a new one. This one’s ruined.

Those of you with good taste in TV will remember the legendary Comedy Central show “Insomniac with Dave Attell”. Unfortunately, the show ended after two seasons because too many people were recognizing Attell and he felt the show was losing its authenticity.

The idea of the show has been renewed (or rather, ripped off) by comedian Zane Lamprey. I’m not sure what the hell the Mojo Network is, or who Lamprey is, but Three Sheets follows him around the world as he learns about local drinking customs and beers.

That seems pretty awesome, so I downloaded a few free episodes from iTunes (Belgium, Croatia, Rio). The problem? Lamprey isn’t funny. At all. He’s a twat. You feel embarrassed watching him make tired old jokes (”American beer is like sex in a canoe. It’s fucking close to water”) and having absolutely nothing interesting or funny to add to any conversation. The people he interviews seem to hate him. Attell was great because he was not only funny, but lovable as well. Lamprey is neither.

Normally I’d give the show some time, but Three Sheets has been on the air for three seasons, so I doubt Lamprey will get any better. He has about as much charm as a fratboy who just raped your girlfriend.

Every Saturday I post a new picture of Burt Reynolds. Why? Because Sean Connery needs to be taken down a peg.

Is that Sean Connery? No sir, that’s our friend Burt before he had a mustache. It’s kind of like seeing a photo of your dad pooping in a wheelie bin when he was in college. You’re impressed, but you also reject it as unpure.

George W. Bush bought this for me today. It’s a 32″ Vizio VU32L (No dad, I didn’t pay that price for it). It’s shiny and big. Tonight shall be an orgy of Playstation 3 and beer.

When I’m old and social security is all dried up, the government will say, “Sure, you’re living in a homeless shelter now, but remember when we bought you that TV? That was a pretty nice TV. You’re welcome, Paul.“

There’s a budget shortfall in California again - big surprise - and instead of cutting out all the worthless bullshit we waste money on, local politicians are suggesting a massive tax increase on beer, strip clubs, and iTunes downloads. Why don’t they just be honest and call it a “Paul Ryan tax”? It’s obviously aimed at every single activity I enjoy.

Jim Beall (D-San Jose) is trying to add a tax of $1.80 on every six-pack of beer. That will raise the price of my 18-packs of Pabst from $10 to nearly $16.

“Some people are e-mailing, threatening to come and slug me,” said Assemblyman Jim Beall (D-San Jose), who hopes to see a $1.80 tax added to the price of every six-pack of beer sold in the state. “We’re getting some pretty nasty comments.”

Well gee, if you’re getting lots of nasty comments, maybe that means people don’t agree with it, you fucking dunce. Another politician is pushing to charge 25 cents for every plastic bag I use at the grocery store. Brilliance. Absolute brilliance. It’s a near-recession, people have lost their homes, and the entertainment industry that supports our state is about to go on strike again and put thousands more out of work. So why not tax the shit out of people for plastic bags?

Fortunately, these proposals have little chance of passing. But if they do, mark my words, I will become a Republican. I’m really tired of California Democrats. Their selfishness and irresponsibility gives the rest of us liberals a bad name. Click below and read the e-mail I sent to Jim Beall’s office.