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36-year-old unmarried Caucasian man has a lot of opinions about Chuck Taylor redesign

Converse has updated their iconic line of Chuck Taylor shoes for the first time in 98 years, and friends and family of 36-year-old Todd Dorfman have gone into hiding, avoiding the elderly hipster at all costs.

“Oh God, he’s never gonna shut up about this,” said Emma Dorfman, Todd’s sister. “Two fucking months. That’s what it’s going to be. Two months of pissing and moaning about a goddamn shoe that looks identical to the old ones. I don’t give a damn, Todd! I don’t even know what eyelets are! Ugh, I hope he reads this so I don’t have to tell him directly.”

Fortunately, Todd has already spent hours obsessing over this topic in his head, going over every possible argument regarding the subject. He has currently worked out 26 different witty comebacks and snarky, condescending tones that fit nearly every possible situation.

“They look identical? That’s an interesting choice of words,” said Todd, crossing his arms condescendingly. “Because Webster’s dictionary defines identical as the same, but even a blind person can see these apocalyptic differences. Where is the racing stripe along the rubber? Where is the iconic white stitching? I see blue and white in the All Star patch, but where’s the red? Where are the goddamn silver eyelets? Are we that dead inside as a species that we’re just going to pretend we don’t miss the silver eyelets?! I don’t understand why everyone around me is calm when we are in the infancy of the 9/11 of shoes.”

Donald Trump’s campaign staffers attempt to sew his mouth shut

Shit. SHIT! He’s gonna talk again! Stitch him up! I don’t care what you have to do, just get his damn mouth closed! We’ve got ten seconds! Who the hell knows what might come through there! Get it closed, damn it! I don’t care, shut it now!

“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don,” said Trump. “I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

It’s not working! I need tranquilizers over here! As much as you’ve got, Marcuse! If he speaks again, then this whole damn campaign’s been for nothing! Goddamn it, Marcuse! Where is the damn risperidone?! Take cover! Fire in the goddamn hole!

Hillary Clinton shows support of transgender rights by watching Pornhub clip

Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton – whose only chance of losing the Democratic nomination is if Bernie Sanders releases a contagion that kills every American over the age of 20 – held a press conference with Pornhub today where she pledged LGBT support by watching a clip of transgendered pornography.

The three minute video clip, titled “Wiener Smashers Vol. 47: Trans With Vans”, features transgendered porn actresses copulating in the back of custom-painted vans. The video received one and a half stars out of five from the website’s user base.

“Well, I liked the vans,” said Clinton, rubbing her eyes as if she had just seen a ghost. “The van decorated with horses fleeing the apocalypse showed a lot of skill, and the one with “Van on the run” painted on the side was a clever nod to a classic Wings song. I didn’t care much for the aforementioned wiener smashing. While I fully support equal rights for transgendered individuals, there are twice as many ball slapping sounds in those types of films. It is a sound which is not to my liking.”

Man looking forward to shouting insensitive comment at David Hasselhoff

In the cooler hours of a summer morning, Paul Ryan, professional troll, rises before dawn. He eats cold pizza for breakfast but skips his usual glass of whiskey. Whiskey makes his voice raspy.

In downtown San Diego, on the second floor of the city’s sprawling convention center, a stoned high school dropout sets up chairs in conference room 6A. It is 5:15am. In a mere 14 hours, David Hasselhoff will arrive at this Comic Con press panel, sit in a cheap folding chair and speak to a crowd of fans about the making of “Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No”, a straight to cable TV movie that is guaranteed to be awful.

Each “panel” at the convention has a Q&A session at the end where any idiot from the crowd can walk up to the designated microphone and ask the actors a question. Any idiot at all. Even a stupid idiot.

Back at the hotel, Mr. Ryan stares at his 2015 Comic Con badge with a quiet determination.

Saturday slated to be Gayest Fourth of July on record

Do you like it Gay? How about Super Gay on the Fourth of July? That’s what The Weather Channel is predicting in their 10-day forecast issued Tuesday. Not partly Gay. Not “chances of Gay with a sprinkle of Straight.” Super Duper Fabulously Gay. Relative Gayness will continue throughout the weekend, with some high humidity early next week.

Be mindful that this humidity will make things feel much Gayer than they actually are, so be sure to bring a small towel on that morning bicycle ride.

“Yeah, it’s been really Gay this week,” said Margaret Turner of Cloquet, MN. “It was so Gay yesterday that the family and I had to get out the sprinkler and hose ourselves down. It didn’t really help. A few minutes later, we were all Gay and sweaty again. That damn humidity just Gays up everything.”