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Thanksgiving canceled, replaced with third Christmas

The useless holiday of Thanksgiving has finally been put to pasture. With modern Americans overeating on a daily basis and the origins of the holiday under great scrutiny, Americans are finally removing Thanksgiving entirely and replacing it with a third Christmas.

First Christmas (Dec 25) and Second Christmas (Black Friday) will remain the same, but they will now be joined by Third Christmas on the fourth Thursday of each Nov. This will allow Americans to continue taking the day off from work, and also continue gorging themselves on turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and boiled chupacabra testicles, as these traditions are standard across all holidays.

The change also has the added bonus of helping America’s staggering economy recover. Christmas sales have increased dramatically since Second Christmas became mainstream in the early-00s, and experts expect Third Christmas to bring in even more of the irresponsible spending and credit card debt that now single-handedly fuels our economy. Thanksgiving brings in very little revenue, other than minor boosts for turkey farms, cranberry farms, and diarrhea medication farms.

God too busy playing Fallout 4 to fix The Middle East

Tensions are high throughout the world as France struggles to recover from the devastating terrorist attacks last week. Through millions of prayers worldwide, God has been called upon to punish the evildoers and restore humanity’s faith. God says he will do so as soon as he’s finished with his current task.

“Goddamn it!” shouted God, dying yet again in the supermarket scene in Fallout 4. “They’re coming out of everywhere, climbing through the windows. This is bullshit! Ghouls can’t climb through windows! This whole stupid video game is bullshit!”

God then threw his controller across the room in disgust.

“God, I hope that’s not broken,” said God. “That lady at the store is going to give me the look if I have to replace another one.”

While many argue that God shouldn’t be playing games if they make him say words like that, He feels everyone has to let loose once in a while, even supreme beings made entirely of cosmic glitter and pegasus semen. He also understands that people want world peace now, but it’s just very unfortunate timing. He’s been planning this vacation around the release of the game for a long time, and it simply wouldn’t be fair to Him to cancel His plans on such short notice.

Starbucks reveals new Jesus cups

The Lord may not hath risen until Easter, but Starbucks is bringing Him back a few months early for their new line of Christmas Jesus cups. Christians the world over are celebrating as the coffee chain known for their liberal zealotry turns over a new leaf and respects the Jesus.

Starbucks CEO Thad Mulberry says the change is for the right reasons.

“Hardcore liberals tend to prefer small, locally owned coffee shops,” said Mulberry. “But when we saw how much money hardcore religious folk will blindly throw at anything Jesus related, we really fell in love with them. All we did was change a cup, and now they’re our mindless slaves. We now have an army of orcs we can release if anybody messes with us. It’s amazing. We should have done this years ago.”

The new “Crucifixion Cups” for the 2015 holiday season combine the company’s iconic siren logo with Jesus’ brutal murder. This festive holiday design includes a partial 3D rendering of the siren’s arms nailed to a wooden cross, simulating the suffering of Jesus and the equal suffering that millions of people feel every day while drinking Starbucks’ burnt, sugar-filled coffee abominations. The protruding cup design is also covered in glitter to provide a cheerful effect. Mulberry warns that these collectible holiday cups will only be “hanging around” for a limited time.

Speaker of the House has same name as annoying local columnist

Newly crowned Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) is having some growing pains. The politician shares the same name as Duluth Reader humor columnist Paul Ryan, and Politician Ryan apparently doesn’t find the comparison flattering.

“I hate how every time I Google myself, I have to dig through 20 pages of that other guy’s lame comedy writing before my website shows up,” said Politician Ryan. “Every person I meet on the street is like ‘Oh, you write those newspaper fart jokes.’ It’s hard to run a successful political career when people think I favor anarchy, legalizing drugs and – assuming I’m pronouncing this correctly – ‘queefing on the elite.’”

Queefing the elite has long been Columnist Ryan’s only political belief. It’s compatible with both fringe groups and major political parties. The slogan is even fully supported by all income classes, as no matter how much money a person makes, there is always someone richer than them that they feel is turning the screws.

As expected, Politician Ryan has concerns about being associated with politically motivated queefings.

Nation’s economy now relies entirely on new Star Wars film not sucking

Abandoning traditional methods of balancing a budget, American politicians are turning to a Lucasfilm-based economic strategy. The upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens film is expected to gross eleventy billion dollars in its first five seconds of release. America’s struggling economy is depending almost entirely on the taxes from those box office receipts to remain afloat through the holiday season.

“Fifteen percent of eleventy billion is $1.65 billion,” said President Barack Obama. “Let me check that one more time. Take the earnings, multiply by 0.15. Yep, $1.65 billion. That’s just what we need to keep this shitbox churning along for a few more months.”

President Obama was quick to point out that this money will not fix our crumbling infrastructure, terrible public schools, abusive treatment of minorities, massive federal deficit, lack of affordable healthcare, forever widening wage gap, predatory student loans, the random acts of senseless violence that have now become almost commonplace in our nation, or the complete incompetence of our elected officials.

The government has classified The Force Awakens, which debuts on December 18, as too big to fail. The movie not only needs to be a hit, but the biggest hit of all-time. Anything less would lead to the devastation of our entire nation, and possibly our very species.