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Welcome to the land of misfits

“This shuttle bus is very . . . ethnic,” texted Amber, choosing her words carefully to remain politically correct. She was in Los Angeles for two days, killing time before the start of Comic Con, and I was helping her navigate the train system via text. It was my suggestion that she take the trains. I find them fascinating. The bus ride from the airport to the light rail train in Inglewood is a bit like that classic bar scene in Star Wars.

There’s the tiny middle-aged Hispanic women getting into shouting matches with the Armenian guys who won’t give up their seats. There’s the homeless people so doped up that they don’t even know what bus they’re on, staring vacantly ahead with their mouths hanging open like dormant zombies. There’s the elderly black guy with a cane who keeps randomly shouting the n-word to see how uncomfortable he can make everyone.

“He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either. You just watch yourself. We’re wanted men! I have the death sentence on twelve systems.”

Tips for attending Comic Con

It’s time once again for Comic Con, the annual nerd pilgrimage to San Diego! Every year, 130,000 entertainment industry employees who got tickets for free gather together to pander to nerds who aren’t even there because all the tickets were given to industry people. The legendary conference is quite literally a scam, so here’s some tips for you unfortunate few who were able to score tickets to this soul sucking money vacuum.

- Do you like standing in line? Do you enjoy Disneyland but wish the lines were longer and more frequent? Then you’ll do fine at Comic Con, my friend. You’ll do just fine.

- Make sure to budget accordingly. A five-day pass to the convention is $200. Flights arriving the day before the convention are $800, while ones arriving two days ahead are $500 with two layovers. Hotel rooms range from $150 per night for a hooker motel filled with bedbugs to $300 per night for a room at the Marriott that faces a brick wall. The cheapest food at the convention is a single cookie for $4 or a small hot dog for $8. Outside of the convention center, every restaurant in town brings out their Valentine’s Day menus, where there are only six choices and all of them are $30. So plan on spending at least $1,400 to $2,000 total. I wish there was a joke in this paragraph, but there is not.

- You’d think hotels near the border of Tijuana would be cheaper, but they’re not. Hookers are, though. So you’ve got that going for you.

- Don’t leer at the pretty cosplay girls. Approach them and start a conversation so you can really scare the crap out of them.

Comic Con 2014

Narrator: Welcome to the 2014 Comic Con discussion panel for Game of Thrones! Thank you all for your dedication. I know it’s difficult to get into these panels. Since security doesn’t clear the room in between each one, many of you waited 10-12 hours outside and then sat through 3-4 other panels just so you wouldn’t miss this one. And after all that, you’re probably still stuck in the very back of the hall, where the actors all look like tiny ants. Thank you for your unreasonably blind fandom! We’re going to begin with . . .

Obese Fan: I have to go to the bathroom!

Narrator: Yes, well there’s one in the hallway outside. As I was saying, we . . .

Obese Fan: If I leave, people will steal my seat!

(The rest of the crowd murmurs approvingly, agreeing that they will definitely move up and steal his seat the minute he walks away)

Narrator: Well, perhaps one of your friends can save your seat.

Obese Fan: I slept on a concrete sidewalk for 16 hours to see a Game of Thrones discussion panel! I don’t have any friends!

Patient log #053218963

LOS ANGELES COUNTY REHAB CENTER — SUNDAY 11AM
New patient Paul Ryan was admitted this morning by LAPD. Mr. Ryan collapsed and soiled himself in the womens changing room of a TJ Maxx department store this morning. He was trying on ladies bathing suits. The damage to the changing room was so intense that a special wand was needed to clean the area. The bathing suits were marked as a biohazard and buried in the desert as a safety precaution. We are testing the patient extensively to determine the addictive element that led to this bizarre incident.

SUNDAY 2PM
It seems Mr. Ryan regularly eats 8-12 pepperoni pizza flavored Hot Pockets every day – a potentially toxic amount. We tried telling him he can get a real pepperoni pizza for a dollar more – it’s literally right next to the Hot Pockets at the supermarket – but he refuses. This addiction to Hot Pockets has given the patient an irregular heartbeat and traumatic levels of diarrhea. Police records show Mr. Ryan was asked to leave a public swimming pool last week after a similar Hot Pocket related incident occurred. The pool had to be drained, and it took nearly a gallon of tomato juice to remove the odor from the children. We will continue to work with the patient to remove this dependency.

Only science can make me a tolerable person

Why can’t I drive drunk? It’s 2014. We have the technology to allow this. All the components are readily available. We have car ignitions that only work after the driver submits to a breathalyzer. We have the Xbox Kinect, which can detect a person’s heartbeat and a dozen other things using only a camera. Google makes self-driving cars that have been proven to work. So why are we unable to invent a car that can detect how drunk I am and self-drive if I’m over the legal limit?

I shouldn’t even have to ask about this. Someone should be working on it. The only thing we seem to be using this technology for is crappy Xbox games where you make characters wave their hands around. I don’t have a great desire to wave other people’s hands around. If members of society could choose between that or avoiding a $1,000 DUI, I think we’d all choose the latter. We can wave our own hands around for free. In fact, some of us are doing it right now.