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The complete guide to training a dog

Command List

”NO” is one of the hardest commands to execute properly. It’s important to use a tone of voice that lets your dog know they’re being disciplined, but doesn’t entice them to bite you in the groin. Before using this command on your dog, try it out on elderly family members or customers at your workplace. If your dog doesn’t respond, bribe him with treats and affection. If customers or family members don’t respond, beat them unmercifully.

“SHUT UP” communicates to your dog that you didn’t pay the pet deposit in your apartment building, and continued barking will likely land them back in the pound where they will be euthanized. It should be said with a forceful tone, using body language that shows the process of euthanization.

”GODDAMN IT, DOG” is a great phrase that lets your dog know that pooping in the laundry hamper, swallowing your car keys or humping your six-year-old niece’s bare legs is not “indoor behavior”.

A polite note from The Easter Bunny

Eggs! Friggin’ eggs. Everywhere I look, there’s eggs. I’m a rabbit. What the hell do I have to do with eggs? I don’t lay ‘em. I don’t eat ‘em. I have no thumbs, so I can’t hold that wire thing kids use to color them. So why is it every year around this time I’m asked to hide eggs?

“Forced” is probably a better word. I’m forced to hide eggs. It totally sucks. I have to get up early, which is rough because I like to stay out late drinking on Saturdays. I don’t get paid for it. There’s no health insurance or 401k involved. Hiding eggs sucks. Do you have any idea what I smell like after hiding 10,000 slowly rotting eggs? I smell like eggs! Jackass!

They’re fetuses, y’know. Dead babies. There was once a life in those eggs. I don’t want to get all Michele Bachmann on everyone here, but boiling eggs is like a third trimester abortion. How would you like it if chickens went to Planned Parenthood, bought all your dead babies and then painted them silly colors and hid them in their yard?

Game of Thrones recap!!!!!

A new season of Game of Thrones has begun! We live in busy times, and most people are either juggling three minimum wage jobs at once or swimming in a bank vault full of gold coins they didn’t earn, so they’re unable to spend an hour watching a TV episode. As a courtesy, I’ll be recapping the episodes so everyone can keep up to date with the story.

Granted, these people could read the books instead, but the TV show is quicker, and reading a watered down recap of the watered down TV show version of the books is more efficient. Recaps are like Cliff Notes of Cliff Notes! It’s very meta, which is totally trending right now.

So I fell asleep during the opening credits, because they’re like ten minutes long, so I probably missed somewhere between 2 to 45 minutes of the episode. Um, the little sassy midget is getting yelled at by his dad for being too midgety or something. I dunno, last season was like forever ago and I was really high by the time this scene took place, so my memory is a bit hazy. But then he meets some prince guy and there’s tits everywhere, and the prince stabs some generic guy in the hand. Then there’s a lot of talking that I didn’t pay attention to at all. Vengeance or something. I dunno, boring.

Lil’ Sass is talking to his redhead wife, who has a total bitchface. Blah blah, her entire family’s dead and she’s very grumpy, blah blah. Whatever. She’s a redhead. They complain a lot.

Donny Ness is moving to Florida

“I can’t take this shit anymore,” said Duluth Mayor Donny Ness as he got out of his limousine at Duluth International Airport. “It’s been winter for like four years straight. I can’t live in this shithole anymore. Fuck this! I’m moving to Florida.”

The mayor and his entire family are moving to a warmer climate after a particularly devastating winter that has shown no signs of ending. An additional 40 to 50 feet of snow are expected in the first week of April, with a new Ice Age predicted to form by June.

“Fuck Duluth, fuck the Twin Ports, and that goddamn lake can eat my shit and die!” shouted Ness as he boarded his million dollar private plane, wearing only a Hawaiian shirt, a lei and a pair of Fruit of the Loom underwear torn in multiple places. “When I get to Florida, my dick is going to be as hard as a rock!”

Employees at City Hall have been distraught since Mayor Ness’ resignation, fighting like wild hyenas over which of them will get his Tempur-Pedic TP9000 Ergonomic Mesh Mid-Back Task Chair. The coveted item retails for nearly $32.

Your NCAA bracket is crap

I’m in first place, and I don’t know why. I’ve never been in first place before. My entire life, I’ve always been more of a last place guy. Little League baseball, computer solitaire, Twitter raffles where complimentary bath towels are given away. I lose in all these activities. Now I’m leading my NCAA bracket by four points after the first round, and I have no idea how to handle it.

I’ve been filling out NCAA brackets for somewhere between 26 and 147 years. I’ve lost track. I was filling them out from the womb before I was even born, and I’ve still lost every single year. Even the years when I just competed against myself by filling out a second bracket titled “Other Paul”, I’ve still always lost.

I’m a man who has grown to love losing. There’s a calming nature to familiarity, to a routine that happens every year at the same time, done the exact same way. Losing makes me feel calm and safe. Losing completes me. Losing is a soft blanket and a warm embrace. I’ve become as good at losing as a vacuum cleaner salesman with 40 years experience is at selling vacuums. When I started winning this year, it was like coming to work and finding the store filled with goddamn washing machines.