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National tragedy prolongs relationship another month

Summer Davis, age 26, wakes at dawn and rubs the sleep from her eyes. She’ll lie in bed for another 45 minutes before summoning the courage to face the day. Davis concentrates on her breathing, calming her nerves. She will get through this, she tells herself. She will focus on the parts of her life that are positive. Over and over again, she whispers to herself the same phrase: “I will be okay today.”

The recent mass shootings plastered almost gleefully across every news network are now a regular occurrence in American society. The incidents are frequent and seemingly unending. Even if you made a point to avoid them, desperately trying to pretend they aren’t there, the collective pain of a nation still comes screeching from all formats every time you leave your bed. These long-term effects of a violent culture are not lost on Davis. She sees the worst casualty of these shootings every morning when she wakes up.

“Good morning, babe!” said Kyle Fornsworth, Davis’ boyfriend of 14 months. He leans over to kiss Davis, but she only buries herself deeper under the covers. “I gotta head out. Kenny’s got some killer wax we’re gonna smoke in the alleyway behind the shoe store! Text me if the mailman brings my Xbox controller!”

The front door shuts, and Davis emerges from her linen bunker.

“Ugh, I wish these mass shootings would stop so I could break up with him and not look insensitive,” said Davis. “Is it really so hard for people to not create a national tragedy every week so I can move on with my life? He’s getting more douchey every day. These families need to hurry up and finish grieving already.”

Intervention held for non-drinking roommate

Concerned students at the University of Wisconsin-Superior banded together Sunday to hold a much-needed intervention for freshman Glen Darkins. After nearly a month on campus, Darkins has not consumed a single drop of alcohol.

“Glen, your non-alcoholism has been hurtful to me for a long time now,” said Kenny Lantus, Darkins’ roommate for the past four weeks. “When I return to the room on Friday afternoons after my last class, you’re not drunk. When we all head out at 8am on a Saturday to scope the women’s lacrosse practice, you’re not drunk. When I’m drunk, you’re not drunk! You try to hide it, but I can see the sobriety in your eyes, which are alert and not cloudy. I see it in your speech, which is not slurred. I hate seeing you like this, Glen. Please, I beg you. Let us help. You need to start drinking before it tears this entire dorm apart.”

At this point, Darkins’ girlfriend began loudly sobbing.

“I’m sorry, Glen,” said Jackie Thompson, who has been dating Darkins for one week. “I thought I could hold it together. It’s just so hard to deal with you when you’re sober. You’re rational and logical, and everything you do is careful and well thought out. I hate sober Glen! I hate that horrible side of you! I’m trying to be a supportive girlfriend, but when I come home late at night to find you quietly reading a book, sober and polite, sometimes I just crawl under the covers and cry. Fuck you for putting me through that, Glen! Fuck you and your straight edge bullshit!”

Farmer who grew 2,000 pound pumpkin kinda being a jerk

A Wisconsin farmer named Norm Charles has grown the world’s second heaviest pumpkin, and it weighs almost as much as his ego. The 2,145 pound pumpkin was shown at the Cedarburg Wine and Harvest Festival in Wisconsin. As is tradition, the farmer spent a little time bragging to passersby at the event.

“I am the greatest pumpkin grower in the world! Bow down before me or I shall destroy you!” shouted Charles, standing on a folding chair in his booth. “Fear the wrath of the Pumpkineer! No mercy! No kindness! In place of a president, you will have a Dark Lord, beautiful and terrible as the dawn! Treacherous as the sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!”

Charles was excited because the seeds inside his record breaking pumpkin will likely fetch a good price in auctions. Normal pumpkin seeds cost only a few dollars per pound, but seeds from a record breaking pumpkin could fetch thousands of dollars.

Online bigotry levels dangerously low during second GOP debate

Public health officials are warning that the nation’s online bigotry reserves reached a catastrophically low level during Wednesday’s second Republican debate. Hateful, overly aggressive comments on both traditional and social media sites were down 94 percent during the event.

“It’s really disappointing how lazy bigots have become,” said Dan Peedik, a member of the Tea Party and retired police officer. “America is a melting pot filled with different people, and it’s important that we collectively piss in that pot and then hang the pot from a tree until it’s dead. Yet during debates, everyone’s watching TV instead of hating. It almost makes hating people feel unfulfilling.”

Bigoted comments on the internet dropped from its usual level of “almost all” to a surprising “almost none” between 7 and 10pm on Wednesday. Many bigots say the never-ending political cycle in America is exhausting them, and the increased diversity of Americans is creating a workload that has become a growing challenge for ignorant douchebags nationwide.

Co-worker refuses to remove Boba Fett costume from last week

The mass marketing campaign known as Force Friday is over, but Logistics manager Steve Wang of Glenlee Assets Inc has continued wearing his Boba Fett costume to work for the past week, and seems to have no interest in stopping.

“Everyone thought it was fun the first day he did it,” said Manuel Rodriguez, an advertising copywriter. “But it’s now it’s just getting a little sad. He’s completely destroying the mystique and illusion of the entire Star Wars universe for all of us. I want to see Boba Fett shooting people and hunting bounties, not eating Chex Mix by himself and pushing a metal ruler down his costume to scratch his balls when he thinks no one’s looking. No matter how good the new movie is, all I’ll be able to think about while watching it is that time I saw Boba Steve sitting on the toilet in one of our door-less restroom stalls. The noises that accompanied that vision were beyond this galaxy.”

No one in Boba Steve’s workplace knows why he’s doing it, and no one likes him enough to ask, but theories abound. Some say the costume helps mask his sadness after missing out on Friday’s release of the coveted BB-8 toy, or perhaps one of the Millennium Falcon drones that also sold out in a matter of minutes. Others suspect he just hates his co-workers and is looking for an excuse not to speak to anyone.