Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.
There are lots of made-up facts about Jesus (or as my Mexican friends here in California call him, Senor Jesus). When religious experts and historians created the modern image of Jesus, they made a lot of assumptions. For all we know, the ancient accounts they referenced may have been written by jerks. None of us really know anything definite about Jesus.
For instance, what did Jesus smell like? Did he ever wear his hair in pigtails? Since they didn’t have nail clippers, did he have long, creepy fingernails? Was he allergic to latex? What was his opinion on the separation of Will Smith and DJ Jazzy Jeff? None of these questions will ever truly be answered.
Which leads me to ask yet another important question: What if Jesus was a fatty?
People can’t even agree on whether Jesus was white, so how are we supposed to know if he was fat? Most of us imagine Senor Jesus as a thin man because of all his suffering, but what if he had a glandular problem that people in those times didn’t mention? My friend Matt is a gigantic fatty, but I don’t ever mention it when I write about him because that would be mean. People in Senor Jesus’ time might have taken the same approach. History may be sittin’ on a fat Jesus without even knowing it.
This is why I refuse to take part in organized religion. I can’t properly worship someone if I don’t know important details like their weight. If Senor Jesus ate cake frosting right out of the tube, I want to eat frosting that way too. If Senor Jesus slept in the nude, I want to sleep in the nude as well. Then I want to spread the gospel by throwing open my shutters in the morning and screaming, “JESUS WISHES YOU A NUUUDIE MORNING!”
Actually, Jesus probably wouldn’t like that.
Most people will never accept the idea that Jesus was a lardass, but it’s not a completely ridiculous claim. Buddha was fat, so why not Jesus? My limited and often inaccurate algebra skills tell me that if a superior being can be fat, and Senor Jesus is a superior being, then some sort of formula with squared numbers shows that any superior being can be fat. I’d prefer it if Jesus were fat. Obese people need something to be excited about besides food.
If the rest of you are going to assume Jesus was white, thin, and handsome in a long-haired ’80s heavy metal sort of way, then why not be more honest with the rest of the details? For instance, they didn’t have deodorant in biblical times, so Jesus probably smelled like crap. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just saying historically, he probably smelled like a dead raccoon that got stuck in a dryer vent.
There’s more. The Bible has few, if any, references to fingernail clippings, which leads me to believe Jesus had long curly fingernails like that creepy person in the Guinness Book of World Records. There was also no dental care or braces in Senor Jesus’ time, so he probably had gangly teeth that were sticking out of his gums in weird directions. Also, there’s a possibility he had a unibrow. Once again, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just saying, in today’s world Jesus would look like a crazy monster who was trying to eat us.
I might be willing to go back on this “Jesus consuming us all” theory if you buy into my theory that Jesus was fat. C’mon, it makes sense. He was 32 years old when he died. Who the hell’s thin when they’re 32? That’s the spare tire years. If I make it to 32 without someone murdering me for calling Jesus fat, I plan to have a beer gut just like him. Such is the path to righteousness.