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My eyes are up here, ladies

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Tuesday I post a new column.

Lovers have informed me on more than one occasion that I have a wiener. While I’m always complimented on my personality first, it’s clear that wieners are what ladies are attracted to most. Women love wieners. I’d have to say that without a wiener, I wouldn’t get nearly as many women as I do now.

I’ve had a wiener for as long as I can remember. I woke up one morning at the age of nine and, boom, there was my wiener. “What’s this for?” I thought. Then I remembered that I had been urinating out of it for quite some time.

In my freshman year of college I realized that while my wiener is sometimes unwieldy, I’m pretty glad to have it. I arrived at this moment of clarity in my first semester, when I attended a party wearing tight jeans. All of a sudden, ladies who had previously ignored me were buying my wiener drinks. It was like suddenly realizing that the lottery ticket you’ve been keeping in your pocket all these years is a winner.

And so went my late teens and early 20s. Girls like wieners. I had a wiener. Wieners get you things. Things greater than or equal to the quality of your wiener. I’ve been aware of my wiener power ever since. Want a free drink at a bar? Push your wiener against your pants. The more crotch cleavage you project, the more drinks the ladies will buy you.

Now I’m in my late 20s, and while my wiener is still awesome, I find it’s starting to lose the battle with gravity. My perfect wiener is starting to sag lower than usual. Some celebrities have work done, letting a surgeon give their wiener a nip and tuck to keep it fresh, but I don’t want a silicone wiener. I like to keep my wiener au naturale.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve found myself getting more frustrated by young, perky celebrities. In the video for her single “How Do I Deal?”, Jennifer Love Hewitt – the baron of perkiness herself – bounced around angrily in the rain, her wiener buoyant, perky, and damp. “Oh come on!” I shouted at my TV. “She’s not even wearing jockeys! A springy wiener like that with no support?! Goddamn it, her wiener can’t be real! It can’t!

It’s difficult for us men to constantly see these perfect-looking people on TV without hating our own wieners. “My wiener doesn’t bounce in the rain,” we say. “My wiener hides from the rain, shriveling up when it gets cold.” Has Jennifer Love Hewitt had wiener surgery? Did she have a wiener specialist remove her stretch marks?

Only Carson Daly knows. And Wilmer Valderrama. And Joey Lawrence. And Enrique Iglesias, Tobey Maguire, Craig Bierko, John Mayer, Alec Baldwin, Andrew Keegan, and Rich Cronin. And Scott Bairstow. All of those men have seen Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wiener. But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t need some super wiener that defies gravity and God. I don’t care if my wiener sags all the way down to my knees.

Talking about my wiener reminds me of a story about my wiener. When I was a young high school student, my wiener got hit by a car. It was my fault. I had been playing with it in the street. I’ve since made a full recovery, but telltale signs of my wiener accident still remain. You can still see light imprints of the car’s snow tires. But you know what? That just means my wiener has character. Who wants a prudent wiener that hasn’t had adventures?

I hear Jennifer Love Hewitt is shooting a movie in town soon. Maybe my wiener and I will show up unannounced. Maybe I’ll instigate a wiener showdown. Maybe the police will be called. I don’t know. I can’t predict the future.

On second thought, maybe I’ll just stay home instead. I don’t need to wiener fight with some bitch from Waco. I’m perfectly content as a 28-year-old man with a 28-year-old wiener. One that shrinks in cold water and gets bigger when hit by a car. A wiener that smiles when it’s happy, frowns when it’s sad, and sneezes when you pet it. My wiener. America’s wiener.

 3 Responses to “My eyes are up here, ladies”

  1. Tony says:

    Nice masturbation reference. I figured you’d leave it out thus making the column more appropriate. I am glad you lived up to my standards.

  2. Dennis says:

    The publisher enjoyed the title. He then went into the bathroom with a copy of the paper. I don’t know what to say.

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