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An open letter to the guy who lost

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

Dear Norm Coleman,

Hi! How are you? Are you having a good day? That’s nice. Stop being a jackass! You lost! Go away!

I’m sorry, that probably came off as rude. It has occurred to me that you may not realize you lost the Minnesota Senate election. Well you did. Life is tough. Sometimes you run against a dead guy and win (that reference could really be applied to either Walter Mondale or Paul Wellstone), and sometimes you lose to a Jewish comedian who used to write jokes about boners. Either way, the senate chair your butt normally occupies needs some fresh air.

You lost, fair and square. I know it, Minnesota knows it, and now you know it because we just told you. I suggest you begin filling your car with things from your office. Feel free to grab some stationary and pens from the supply closet. We won’t tattle.

Don’t take it personally, Norm. It’s not that we don’t like you. We have nothing against your capped teeth, your tailored suits, or that creepy half-smile that’s become your trademark. We’re just sick of you. Remember how everyone used to love Jim Carrey and we all went to see his movies, but then we realized he was kind of a douche and we all got sick of him? Well Norm, you’re the new Jim Carrey.

We liked you in the 1990s when you brought hockey back to Minnesota, but after you became a senator, you started to wear out your welcome. You supported the Iraq War, even after your constituents overwhelming showed that they didn’t. You supported drilling in Alaska’s wildlife refuge after promising you wouldn’t. You supported George Bush’s attack on stem cell research. You repeatedly tried to ban gay marriage. You supported Bush’s now laughable plan for social security privatization (The stock market! Ha!). You claimed marijuana is harmful, even though you once admitted in your college newspaper to being a massive pothead.

Perhaps the long-term effects of pot smoking explain how you’ve become dumber as you’ve grown older?

Frankly Norm (pardon the reference to your successor), if we were friends, we would have grown apart years ago. But we’re not friends, so instead we’re throwing your ass out of office. You ignored us and the things we believe in, and that’s why when given a choice between you, a comedian with no experience and a no-name independent, 58 percent of us decided to vote for the latter two.

We punched you in the face, Norm. That’s what this election was: It was us punching you in your stupid face. Now that our fun is over, it’s time for you to leave.

I realize you don’t see it as being over. After all, this election disenfranchised more Minnesotans than any other in recent history, with 12,000 uncounted absentee ballots, 400 vetoed ballots, and God knows how many screw-ups from hick counties who don’t know how to work a voting machine.

The recount of said election was also bizarre and unnatural, involving repeated changes to ballot counting rules, inconsistent counting processes from county to county, and a collection of officials who seemed to flip a coin when deciding which ballots to reconsider. But when you look at the details, Norm, it turns out your staff didn’t even submit ballot reconsideration requests until long after the deadline, probably because you were ahead at the time and didn’t think you could lose.

Well now you have lost, so go file for unemployment like the rest of America. At least with a Democrat in charge, you won’t have to worry about those safety nets being cut. Just make sure you look for work every week. We’d hate to have to cut you off.

No, don’t file a lawsuit, Norm. Don’t contest the results to the Minnesota Supreme Court. Don’t go to them whining about how important it is to count more ballots. They know that last week you were fighting vigorously to count fewer ballots. The votes have been recounted, your had your chance to request further reviews of absentee ballots, and now it’s too late.

Don’t give me those Bambi eyes, Norm. It’s not like you have nowhere to go. You’re wealthy, you did enough favors and gave enough handouts to earn a cushy position somewhere, and most importantly, you can claim you were cheated out of your senate seat instead of voted out of it. A man with all that will be taken care of by his right-wing friends. You won’t have to want for the rest of your life, unless what you want is a position in the U.S. Senate.

Don’t get me wrong. If you insist on fighting and being dragged out of here kicking and screaming, we’ll gladly do it. We’d actually prefer to see you go out with no dignity. But you have a choice, Norm. Leave now with our half-hearted sympathy, or leave in a few weeks after we’ve wiped our butts on your face. We leave the choice up to you.

 One Response to “An open letter to the guy who lost”

  1. Yvette says:

    Kicking and screaming it is! This is costing a fortune. Shouldn’t it end long before this?

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