Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
I’ve done plenty of bad things in my life. I’m no better or worse than the rest of you. When I was a little kid, my friend and I threw Cheetos off a highway overpass until a guy got off at the next exit and chased us down the block. When I was a teenager, my friends and I would drive around shooting bottle rockets and roman candles at pedestrians. Yesterday, in a fit of rage during a Twins loss, I called Ron Gardenhire a fairy.

I’m not proud of these things. I know motorists prefer not to be showered with bright orange snacks while speeding down the freeway at 70 mph. I know pedestrians tend to dislike having fiery sticks of explosives aimed at their fragile buttocks. I know Gardenhire is married with three kids and has brought us four division titles in seven years.

My only defense for these atrocities is that they were tremendously enjoyable at the time. Tremendously. Very funny stuff. Very amusing. Downright hilarious. The work of a brilliant and incredibly handsome human being, if I do say so myself. To be honest, I might do these things again tomorrow.

Regardless, these acts were still wrong. Other than being poor, extremely bored, and handicapped with genes from a very dysfunctional Irish lineage, there’s really no excuse for me doing those things. An opportunity arose to do evil, and I took that opportunity for all it was worth.

The reason I’m mentioning all this is because I recently did something else incredibly wrong that I wish to atone for. I’m not quite sure how to admit this, and I’m even less sure of how to explain it, but lately I’ve been stealing wireless internet from deaf people.

I’m also not sure if “atone” is the right word, since I’m still stealing their internet right now, as I type this column. I feel bad, though. I’d like to note for the record that what I’m doing is wrong and I am a bad person. But I’m a bad person who now has a tremendously fast internet connection.

Since I’m broke and unemployed, my own internet connection is about as quick as Kirstie Alley. Web pages load in minutes rather than seconds. Youtube videos are worthless, taking roughly 15 minutes just to load 30 seconds of a cat playing a piano. Adult websites have become utterly useless. Downloading music online is impossible, as by the time the song downloads I’m already tired of the band.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I noticed an open wireless network labeled “DWC”. I know the world is filled with stupid people, but it’s still rare these days to find someone so dumb as to leave their internet connection open for anyone to use. Since I strongly believe stupid people should be exploited, I connected and tried out their service.

The speed was incredible. I could download videos, stream music, and load the Duluth News-Tribune’s website without falling asleep twice before it was done! It was like God’s own personal internet connection. I quickly made use of it, streaming an entire three-hour Minnesota Twins baseball game in high-definition. If 3 Mbps of streaming video didn’t teach them to put a password on their router, nothing would.

It was around the seventh inning when I got curious and searched for “DWC” on Google. I originally thought it was the initials of someone in my apartment building, but the connection seemed way too fast for a non-business line. I quickly found my answer. DWC apparently stands for “Deaf Wellness Center”, which is part of a Los Angeles school for deaf people near my apartment building. They’re located right next to the Braille Institute, near the stoplights that vibrate like sex toys when it’s safe to cross the street.

I felt horrible. How could I steal wireless internet from deaf people? I mean, I didn’t stop watching the baseball game or anything, because it was the seventh inning and Joe Mauer already had three hits, but I felt terrible. Deaf people need the internet, too. They have just as much of a right as the rest of us to waste their lives watching videos of cats being forced to play a musical instrument, or to be horrified by photos of Paula Abdul nipple slips.

Yet, as I watched Justin Morneau smash a home run to right field in brilliant HD quality, I began to rationalize the act. It was likely a community computer lab, so it’s not like it was going to be used for important things like classes or pornography. Besides, what do deaf people need lots of bandwidth for? It’s not like they’re downloading large collections of mp3′s. Perhaps they wouldn’t even notice.

Once I find steady work, I’ll go back to using my own internet connection. I promise. This isn’t permanent. I can stop stealing wireless internet from deaf people anytime I want. Just you wait. When I’m employed, the Twins season is over, and I’m done downloading all 17 Harry Potter movies, I’ll switch back to my own connection. You can trust me. I’m a man of high principles and virtue.