Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
Gassssssssp! Did you hear? Oh my sweet snowmobiling Lord, did you hear? Michael Jackson is in a coma! And now he’s dead! No, wait! He’s still in a coma! No, he’s dead now! Wait! Back in a coma! Sorry, I was reading TMZ before, and they’re not credible. Gasp! Entertainment Tonight says he’s dead? Oh God! Sob!

Seriously, I can’t believe how little coverage there’s been of Michael Jackson’s death. Newspapers only printed small obituaries in the back section. None of the TV networks provided live helicopter footage showing the hospital’s roof for two hours. Not a single person posted on Facebook or Twitter, claiming to be his biggest fan despite having never mentioned him before. You’d think at least one person would post “Michael Jackson is dead” with a frowny face emoticon next to it, but none of you did that, and neither did 700 of your friends. Weird.

Seriously though, to that one person who earnestly tried to link the lyrics from “Burn The Disco Out” to how Jackson died? Very amusing.

I wasn’t a big Michael Jackson fan, but I understand people’s pain. He was a man who touched a lot of people over the years. He touched people everywhere: On the radio, on MTV, and sometimes in person. His talent allowed him to touch everyone, from the eldest gent to the youngest child.

Ahem.

Well, I hate to break up our nationwide mewling contest, but Michael Jackson isn’t dead. I know the noble, trustworthy employees of UCLA have – like usual – leaked photos of Jackson’s eerie remains to the tabloids. I know the hospital’s top doctors recently posted a seven minute video of themselves moonwalking next to the corpse to prove he’s really gone, but that’s all a ruse.

Two words: Uncompahgre Wilderness. That’s where Michael Jackson is living. He made the move decades ago. The body being autopsied is not him. After releasing that ridiculous “Remember the Time” video starring Eddie Murphy and Magic Johnson in 1992, he realized he had jumped the shark. To preserve his legacy and ensure he had privacy, he secretly asked his brother Tito to take his place.

That strange, white-faced, surgically altered Michael Jackson you’ve seen all these years? Tito. That’s why it always looked like his nose was falling off. The Neverland Ranch? Bought by Tito. Michael gave Tito most of his remaining wealth so he could keep up his image, and in typical Tito fashion, he bought an amusement park.

Remember the Michael Jackson album “Invincible”, released in 2001? Tito. And all the really awful new tracks from “HIStory”? Tito. The purchase of The Elephant Man’s bones? Tito. The unforgivable act of selling Beatles songs to advertisers? Tito. The marriage to Lisa Marie Presley? Tito. She demanded a divorce after realizing she had married Tito. Bubbles the monkey? That was actually Michael. Try as I might, I really can’t blame him for wanting to own a monkey. I’d like to own one as well.

Michael moved to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in Colorado to live the rest of his life in solitude. His vitiligo disease, which made his skin whiter, was getting worse, and this wilderness – which was well known for sightings of Bigfoot, leprechauns, and John Hughes – seemed a majestic place to hide. Legend has it this environmentally protected area is where unicorns are bred. Their saliva is used as the glaze for Krispy Kreme donuts.

Michael lives at the top of the highest peak in the region’s San Juan Mountains. His modest home is visited once per year by one of his relatives, who brings him a year’s supply of astronaut food. It is both nutritious and filling.

Family members close to Tito believe he was murdered by Michael. Living at the top of a mountain doesn’t allow one to catch up on the news as often as one would like, so Michael hadn’t heard about most of the horrible things Tito had done. However, when Jermaine Jackson made the annual trip this year to deliver astronaut food, he told Michael everything. In a rage, Michael descended the mountain and beat Tito to death inside the Neverland Ranch’s rumpus room.

So since Tito was actually Michael, then who’s this guy claiming to be Tito? That’s actually Marlon Jackson posing as Tito. Jackie Jackson is posing as Marlon, Randy Jackson is posing as Jackie, and Diana Ross cut her hair short to pose as Randy. Every image of Diana Ross from 1992 to present time is a hologram.

Basically, every living person involved in the Jackson 5 is a faker, save for Jermaine. He’s still legit. Janet and LaToya Jackson were never asked to participate, despite LaToya’s striking male features.

I also plan to move to the Uncompahgre Wilderness in a few years. Taking my place will be a seven-year-old boy who suffers from Tourette’s Syndrome. Anyone who brings me astronaut food will be given updates on how Michael is doing.