Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

 
It was 3am, and my friend Jason’s light blue station wagon idled quietly in front of Connie’s house. The year was 1997, and it was a sweltering night in late July. Connie had agreed to go to prom with me that year, but cancelled at the last minute. Now, three months later, it was time for some payback.

Exiting the car, I crept across the lawn to her open bedroom window. Below it, I placed what the fireworks manufacturer had appropriately-named “Phantom Missile Base.” It was a box of 225 tiny rockets which, when lit, would screech and crackle at eardrum-damaging levels for two minutes straight. The store clerk guaranteed that if a person were asleep, this firework would make them believe an angry Jesus had returned.

I lit the fuse and sprinted back to the car. Jason shifted into gear, his foot hovering above the gas pedal, waiting for the firework to ignite. Thirty seconds passed, then a full minute. Nothing happened. I cursed and exited the car, once again creeping back to the window. I was a foot away and about to peer over the box when a rocket screeched past my ear. Ten more quickly followed as I fled. Every light in Connie’s house turned on as I dove through the open window of the car and we sped away.

Independence Day may be over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still light fireworks. It’s actually more fun after the holidays. The facts speak for themselves: FACT! Using fireworks is even more fun when people aren’t expecting it. FACT! Cats, dogs, and ex-girlfriends are equally terrified by fireworks after the holiday as they are before it. FACT! Old people are even more terrified, because they believe all firecrackers are gunshots aimed at their grandchildren.

I used to buy 10 to 30 pounds of fireworks every year and shoot them off well into August. Now that I live in California, a place where a poorly-aimed magnifying glass can cause half the state to erupt in a wildfire, fireworks are not so easy to find, nor very smart to use. But when I was growing up in Minneapolis, all you had to do was drive across the Saint Croix River to the little town of Hudson, WI, which had a Phantom Fireworks dealer.

Phantom has always been my favorite because their mascot is a devious-looking purple grim reaper. It both warns the buyer that they may die while using these products, and also exploits said deaths to make buying fireworks seem totally awesome. But the company’s attitude is perhaps best defined by the packaging of their “Urban Warrior” fountain, which sports a drawing of a man being hit with fireworks on the front. Below it is a large warning label reminding the user not to aim fireworks at people.

However, the greatest thing about fireworks, other than their ability to frighten women who won’t date you, is you can usually get them at a discount after the fourth. There may be fewer of them, and the classic varieties may be sold out, but there’s no shame in buying fireworks with cutesy names like “King of Bling” or George W. Bush specialties like the 9/11-themed “Untamed Retribution”. Recreational carnage is recreational carnage, my friend.

Whether modern or classic, you’ll still have spinning wheel fireworks to nail to trees, fountains to place in busy intersections, and roman candles to aim at relatives while pretending you’re God. They’re all there in the year-round fireworks showrooms, unwanted but waiting for you to come get them, like old friends from high school who need bail money.

However, there are a few tips you should keep in mind when using fireworks after the holidays. First, remember that people who light fireworks on July 4 are considered patriotic, while people who light them on a random Tuesday in August are usually considered mentally unstable. The police will treat you accordingly.

Second, remember that ladies won’t be impressed by bottle rockets and sparklers after the fourth. If you’re going to get the love of your life arrested for possession of explosives, attempted arson, and various other felonies related to the Patriot Act – and you will, because there’s nothing good on TV during the summer – then make it worthwhile by shooting off impressive fireworks. Just be sure to keep the car running as you light them, because as soon as those colorful mortars explode, you’ll have roughly 90 seconds before every cop in town becomes very interested in meeting you.

Third, when you get caught by the police – and you will, because you’re an idiot – whether you go to jail or not depends greatly on how much liquor can be officially detected in your system.

Here are a few other quick tips I’ve learned through experience: Lighting rockets off the roof of your car ruins the paint job, aiming roman candles at your friends makes them not want to be your friends anymore, and holding the bottle and corresponding rocket at crotch level like a phallic symbol will usually cause you to burn your pants.

I hope this little tutorial has helped you in your quest for illegal and/or dangerous activities to help pass the time this summer. If you burn, maim, or kill yourself with fireworks, please let us know immediately, because we’re tired of the Duluth News-Tribune scooping us on these sorts of stories.