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I have some questions about your Halloween party

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

I received the invitation to your Halloween party the other day. I greatly enjoyed how it looked like something a four-year-old would make, and how you used adjectives like “spooky”, “ghastly”, and “terrifying” to describe everything from the food and drinks to the condition of your home. I would have added “white trash” to the list of descriptions, but it’s your party, not mine.

I’m invited to a lot of lame holiday gatherings in the suburbs. Everyone knows the best parties are places people don’t care about destroying, like cabins and college houses, but no one invites me to those. Frankly, I’d rather drink at home by myself with my pants off. But if you insist on inviting me, I just have a few questions about your Halloween party:

Is your guest bathroom on the main floor? Am I going to have to walk up the stairs every time I pee? I know you don’t want people dropping stink bombs in your classy bathroom or using your good towels to mop up vomit, but walking up the stairs every time I have to bust a pee is tiring.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very good about not breaking the seal, but it will break at some point, and I’ll break my neck if I have to walk up the damn stairs eight times. To be honest, I’d rather pee in your yard, and after six or seven beers, I probably will.

Can I sleep on your couch without your wife being passive aggressive? “Oh, Paul’s going to sleep here. In our home. Instead of his own home. Interesting.” I don’t want to hear any of that crap. If you use free booze to lure me all the way to the suburbs – a place so lame that even buses won’t go there after 9pm – then you know the deal. Don’t be giving me the business, lady.

Will there be crappy games? I’m not attending if I have to play stupid party games. I’m not doing some murder mystery crap or helping the group create a scary story or getting to know your other boring friends in any way. I’m going to sit in the same place on your sofa the entire night and drink myself nearly to death. If someone without breasts tries to speak to me, I will go into the other room and play games on your Xbox 360.

Will there be single women with low expectations? I’m 30, unemployed, and have no hobbies women can relate to. If your female guests have taste and class, please make sure they also have an unchecked drinking problem so I have a chance with them. I’m totally fine with being that one weird dude they deeply regret sleeping with. It’s kind of my thing.

Are you going to hide your valuables? I personally don’t care, but you might. In college, whenever I attended house parties hosted by people I didn’t know, I’d do one of three things: 1) Move valuable items from one resident’s room to another, just to cause trouble, 2) Steal items that I deemed obnoxious (Treasure Trolls, Morissey albums, cheesy artwork bought at Target), or 3) Take random household items and drop them in the toilet. I’m just giving you fair warning.

Can I tell lewd stories at your party? Every once in a while I get invited to one of those parties where someone is Christian or Jewish or a Holocaust survivor or something, and we all have to watch ourselves to make sure we don’t offend anyone. I don’t like that. If I go, I want to tell the story about how I spent one day working on the set of Playboy TV, and how all the girls were gross and the sound guy had a t-shirt with the handicap symbol, but the handicap stick figure in the symbol was getting blown by another stick figure. Don’t invite me if you don’t want me to tell that story to all your friends, because it’s the only funny story I know. All my other funny stories are stolen from episodes of “What’s Happening!!”

If I sneeze, will a whole bunch of people say “Bless you” at once? If they do, I’m not coming. It’s obnoxious. I’ve been blessed literally thousands of times, and it doesn’t work. I’m still a failure. If everyone gives me a dollar when I sneeze, then I’ll come to your Halloween party.

Are any of your guests annoying enough to stay in character all night? I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone to a Halloween party where some guy thinks keeping his poorly-done Jack Sparrow accent all night will help him get laid. If anyone at your party’s like that, I’m not coming. Pretty much the only way I’ll attend is if all your guests are exactly like me, but worse than me and less successful so I don’t hate them.

Seriously, if you have any artwork from Target, I’m going to steal it. I’ve dug a small hole behind the Mall of America where I bury $50 copies of “Balloons in the Sunrise” and “Handpainted Symphony #7” prints.

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