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I would like to be a fitness instructor at UMD

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

In light of recent sexual harassment allegations made toward a University of Minnesota-Duluth fitness instructor, it might seem in poor taste for me to inquire about possible fitness-related job openings at that university. Some might say I’m fulfilling my own selfish needs without caring to see justice take its proper course. Others may say I’m being a total dick.

Well balderdash, I say! It’s a tough economy, and if UMD has to replace their allegedly flirty fitness instructor with a non allegedly flirty one, I’m not going to wait around for some other ambitious job seeker to pull the rug out from under me. If UMD needs to hire a new alleged sexual predator to teach fitness, I want them to know I’m the alleged sexual predator for the job.

I should note that I don’t have any actual sexual predator experience. My resume is embarrassingly sparse, with no record of sexual harassment, sexual assault, or even entry-level experience with stalking or restraining order violations. But I’m a man of ambition, and I will do whatever it takes to fill those obvious needs for the university.

I should also probably note that I have no experience as a fitness instructor, and have not actually visited a gym since my senior year of high school in 1997. I do weigh 160 pounds though, so the school wouldn’t be criticized for “hiring a fatty,” as the hip kids like to say. However, the school might be criticized for “hiring someone with no actual muscle tone.”

Regardless, let it be known to Chatty Kathy or whichever crappy person is the current chancellor at UMD: I can perform this job with more discretion than the current guy. C’mon, Chatty K. Your current fitness instructor has a soul patch and refers to attempted kisses as “moving in on someone’s energy.” The guy might as well hang a sign around his neck announcing that he’s nearly 50 years old.

UMD needs a creeper who isn’t so obvious. A younger alleged pervert that female students won’t associate so closely with their grandfather. Do you people have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for a job opening with that description? This is my shining moment of glory. When I perv around, I don’t mess around. I’m often complemented on the ambiguousness of my perviness.

For instance, if I wanted to say sexually suggestive things to young women, I would do so in Spanish. That way, if female students actually knew what I was saying and complained, I could claim I was trying to say, “You have an excellent workout technique” instead of “Your melons are ripe for the market.”

I believe the translation is “Su melones estan maduros para el mercado,” in case UMD has any other “flirty” 40-something professors who would like to use this tactic. Be sure to make large circular motions with your hands while saying “melones”.

Other tips for middle-aged men trying to pick up girls who were born after Saved By the Bell went off the air include not playing Huey Lewis CDs for them, not asking them questions about how computers work, not telling them they look like your late wife, and not talking to them at all because you’re freaking old.

But seeing where the cards have been laid, I’d actually encourage more professors at UMD to start dating their undergrad students. If UMD’s chancellor won’t discipline a fitness instructor who admitted to dating two undergrad students, what’s to stop the rest of you? Plow those fields, gentlemen! First one to bone a freshman gets tenured!

And remember, you’re not taking advantage of your position of authority, you’re embracing “your need to move in on some energy.” Far out, man!

To be serious for a moment, when 12 out of 16 girls interviewed say you act inappropriately with female students, it’s time to change your behavior. Releasing a statement wherein you refute all claims and ignore the most damaging ones is the opposite of changing your behavior. Public icon or not, damaging to your reputation or not, if you can’t admit the wrongdoing, it’s impossible for you to “make a behavior modification.” Suck it up and swallow the medicine, magic fingers.

To not be serious for a moment, I’m totally willing to be Chancellor Chatty Kathy’s personal trainer like the other instructor was if it helps me get the job. If the potential loss of her personal workout is what’s causing her to be an enabler, I’m more than happy to oblige to fix the problem, even though I may slowly go blind from the experience.

In a world where nationally-recognized fitness instructors can own burrito restaurants without ruining their reputation, me seeing the chancellor in spandex will just be one more weird event in a sea of disturbing occurrences.

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