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Manly tips for Valentine’s Day

Note: I’m a columnist for the Reader Weekly, an alt-weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN. Every Monday I post a new column.

Valentine’s Day is almost here, and being someone who is perpetually single with absolutely no prospects or social ambition whatsoever, I’m extremely qualified to give love advice to complete strangers whom I’ve never met. So here are some tips for how to make this holiday the best sappy barf fest ever.

– This year, when your lady comes home to the romantic candlelit dinner you’ve prepared for her, try to wait until after the meal is finished before taking out your penis.

– Nothing says “You’re not fat” like buying her a box of chocolates that will make her fat. But if you’re on a budget, try just buying her a card and writing “You’re not fat” in it.

– Instead of taking her to see Avatar in 3D, take her to see one of those shitty movies that girls like.

– Valentine’s Day is the one holiday where she’s legally obligated to have sex with you. If she refuses, call the police.

– When coming up with romantic ideas, ask yourself what Clark Gable would do. Would he shave his lover’s name into his beard? Yes. Yes he would.

– If you’re unattractive and single, try asking yourself what Clint Howard would do on Valentine’s Day. Would he eat barbecued ribs and then fall asleep while masturbating? Yes. Yes he would.

– If you have a daughter, don’t call her on Valentine’s Day. She’s probably busy getting pounded by some guy, or a whole bunch of guys.

– You know what Lyle Lovett bought his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day? A castle in France. But don’t feel bad. I’m sure your girlfriend loves eating at Denny’s.

– You know what George Clooney bought his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day? Nothing. He doesn’t have to. He’s George Clooney and she’s just some chick. Sluts don’t get gifts.

– If a cellphone is pink, it counts as a romantic gift. Everyone knows that. If your lady disagrees and is ungrateful, then return it and buy yourself one of those homebrew kits where you can make your own beer.

– Hey, here’s a great idea for a gift. How about you get off your fat, worthless ass and fix that damn step on the porch like you said you would six months ago? I swear, it’s like you want to cause her grief. And is wearing deodorant on the weekends too much to ask? You smell like a goddamn prison. And why aren’t you wearing pants? Your boxers don’t even have a button on the fly. She can see the tree and the whole damn forest from here. I know you two have been together for 10 years, but try to impress her for once, mmkay?

– If you and your lady are over 60, keep in mind that anything sexual you do on Valentine’s Day is just gross. Seriously. Yuck. I don’t even know how you get into that. I would totally barf.

– Flowers fade away after a week, but a vasectomy is a gift that lasts forever.

– Red roses represent love and passion. Pink roses represent happiness and appreciation. Yellow roses mean you forgot it was Valentine’s Day, and this was all the flower shop had left at 7pm.

– Remember last week, when you were drunk and eating chicken wings while watching the Super Bowl? Man, that was way better than having a girlfriend.

– If your lady is cheating on you, track down her other lover and ask about going halfsies on a gift.

– When giving candy, it’s customary to wait at least 15 minutes before grabbing the box and eating some yourself. But 15 minutes is all she gets. After that, tough titties.

– Some women may be allergic to flowers or chocolate. The next best romantic gift is laundry detergent. Just kidding! The next best romantic gift is actually gourmet cheese.

– If your lady says you have to buy her dog a Valentine’s Day gift too, very carefully and politely explain to her that you only buy gifts for things you stick your wiener into.

– If you can’t refrain from making crude sexual jokes, then perhaps you should give your lady a gift other than a pearl necklace.

– Remember that above all, Valentine’s Day is about love and honoring the one to which you are true. And rewarding that person for letting you see them naked so often. Really, you’re pretty much just bribing them, just like you would with a stripper. But don’t tell them that.

 2 Responses to “Manly tips for Valentine’s Day”

  1. MNwookie says:

    WTF. Was a woman hanging over your shoulder and typed-in that 12th paragraph? If not, your fem is hanging out like a large bare breast, beautiful, amazing, nice to see. Mmreally. Great column, worthy of greater comments than this.

  2. Yvette says:

    Hey, I wouldn’t mind seeing Avatar again on Valentine’s Day. It was an amazing film! Of course, there is that movie called Valentine’s Day with all the big names in it that the movie industry would really like you to go see then. Nice column, Paul!

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