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A new social networking site for us to ruin!

If there’s one thing we old people love to do, it’s intrude on things meant for the young. Whether it’s trendy music, hip lingo, or the latest social networking site, we will eventually find it, oversaturate it with our uncoolness, and invite a tidal wave of even older, lamer people to secure its utter destruction.

Don’t believe me? Look at MySpace. All that’s left of that social networking site is a mountain of turds that even the remaining locals won’t pick up. Littered amongst the empty homesteads are the final words of its long-gone inhabitants: “This place is lame. I don’t update my profile here anymore. I’ve moved to Facebook.”

I’m only 30 and don’t really qualify as an “old person”, but I’m still part of this devious band of ruffians pooping all over the online clubhouses of young people. People like me are the first wave of lameness that infects trendy things. We’re the scouts who convince other old people to partake. Nightclubs have bouncers to keep losers like me out, but pop culture has no such defenses.

We, the somewhat elderly, have collectively wrecked thousands of enjoyable trends over the years. We ruined Kings of Leon, turning them from a band young people liked into one where every show is filled with swooning middle-aged women. We ruined the phrases “bling”, “blowin’ up” and “wassup”, and though young people have changed the latter to “What’s crackin'”, we are working on ruining that as well.

But our biggest achievement is ruining Facebook. What used to be a trendy tool to aide the social lives of young people is now a cesspool of everyone young people were trying to avoid in the first place. Your parents? Check. Your grandparents? They’re on Facebook now too. Your boss? Yup. What was once a hip college hangout now has the atmosphere of a job interview.

Swearing on someone else’s profile is nearly guaranteed to be followed by a comment from that person’s mother, grandmother, uncle, pilates trainer, or overly religious relative asking you to “Please watch your language.” Posting a photo of you and a group of friends having a beer will cause a mad rush amongst those friends to remove your photo tags of them before it shows up in their boss’ news feed.

As Walter Cronkite famously said, “There is no such thing as a little freedom. Either you are all free, or you are not free. Facebook used to be free, but now it is a stinky pile of poop.” While Facebook is still the social network of choice, I give it two years before all the young people flee for something else, leaving the old people to muck about in their own filth.

That “something else” will likely be Google Buzz. Debuted a week ago, Buzz takes the core features of Facebook and combines them with the simplicity of Twitter. You can’t play obnoxious games or take boring surveys, but it’s simpler and incorporates all the raw elements that make connecting with friends fun. They’ve built a strong foundation free of clutter or marketing, which is why we older people must poop all over it as quickly as possible.

That’s why I’m writing this column. This is my call to arms for weirdos, skeezoids, wasters, druggies, drunkards, and anarchists to join up. No, wait. I’m sorry. Those types of people are actually fun. Let’s try this again. This is a call to arms for parents, the elderly, the middle-aged, obnoxious relatives, overly religious people who won’t shut up about it, and partisan retards trolling their friends’ status updates so they can fight with strangers about global warming. Join up and tear this mother down!

Post photos of your unattractive children! Upload thousands of images of your cats sitting in sinks! Petition Google to add Bejewled and a series of games involving moderately sexy vampires! Demand that Google allow “fan pages” so you’ll know exactly how many of your friends enjoy Coca-Cola! Make it a douche place! Make it a douche place!

Or perhaps we should wait instead, biding our time while Google Buzz gains popularity. The transition from Facebook will take a few years, just like the transition from MySpace. When Facebook went public, all the MySpace people complained that it was boring. There were no bands, you couldn’t customize your profile with glittery backgrounds and 40 pieces of clip art, and you couldn’t add 20 videos to your page and crash everyone’s browser.

Facebook people are complaining in the same way about Google Buzz. They say it’s boring and doesn’t allow people to showcase their individuality through Farmville, MobWars, and MS Paint-style applications where you can draw a crude penis and post it on your friend’s profile. But as more of their friends join Google Buzz, these people will see the appeal.

Let them build it. Let it grow. Then we will come in with our LOL cats and “Hitler reacts to” parody videos that we just found out about and tear their little world to pieces. Bonitas est pessimis esse meliorem.


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