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Tax tips for liars, scoundrels, and people who don’t like to work

February is that special time of year when lovers exchange gifts to show how much they care about each other. Since I’m a bit of an expert on Valentine’s Day, I’m going to give you a few tips that . . .

What? The fourteenth? Who the hell changed it to the fourteenth?

February is that special time of year when citizens and their government start deciding how much cash they owe each other. Since I’m a bit of an expert on the tax season, I’m going to give you a few tips that will help when the government punches you in the face and takes that hard-earned cash you were using to put food on the table for your starving children for Christ’s sake.

Here’s my tip: Run. Stop reading this column and just run. It’s only February. Taxes aren’t due until the middle of April. If you start running now, by the time they realize you’re a deadbeat, you’ll be so deep in the jungles of the Congo that they’ll never find you. By April 15th, you can amass a large enough army of Pygmy villagers to protect you from everyone except God.

If you have some odd moral compulsion and actually want to pay your taxes, I’d suggest getting overdraft protection on your bank account. Most banks now offer overdraft protection credit cards, which allow your irresponsibility to soar as high as $1,500 or more. After having a party to celebrate your check not bouncing, you can begin paying off your bill at the fair and honest interest rate of 27 percent. It’s a great solution. Instead of going to jail for not being able to pay your taxes, you can be in a prison of your own making with many years of debt.

I know some of you who read this column are drug dealers more business-savvy, so I’ve got a tip for you as well: Hire someone else to do your taxes. Accountants are skilled in the art of finding loopholes that rich people can exploit. For instance, did you know internet pornography is a 100 percent write-off for anyone who makes more than $300,000 per year? When you work enough hours to make that kind of money (Ha!), release in the form of internet porn is a right, not a privilege. Unless it’s gay porn. That’s not covered under our current administration.

Speaking of the administration, did you know chastity belts for your children are also a write-off? Really! It’s part of the abstinence education bill. Even if your children are 47 years old, you can buy an unlimited number of chastity belts and then return them after you get your tax refund. Other write-offs allowed by our government include Larry the Cable Guy merchandise, cars that cost more than a house, all Banana Republic purchases, less-popular snowcone flavors like “molasses”, and any Simon & Garfunkel album where they look odd on the cover.

So basically all Simon & Garfunkel albums.

But what about people who don’t have fancy careers? What about vagabonds like myself who do odd jobs where taxes aren’t taken out of the checks? Well folks, then you’re in a tax category I like to call “screwed”. Bend over and grab your ankles, because Papa Government’s got a brand new bag, and it’s filled with 30 percent of your money. Unfortunately, we poor folks can’t afford to flee to the Congo, so my advice is to sell all your possessions, buy an old VW Van and a surfboard, and flee to the coast to spend your days sleeping by the side of the highway.

That or just don’t report your 1099 earnings. Oops, is that a police siren I hear? That’s all the time we have today for tax tips. Be sure to stop by and read my next column, where I tell you what prison is like.

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