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Please try this at home

Note: This column was written during my senior year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.

Paul “Disco Afro Drunk” Ryan, Columnist

Hello you Irish freaks! Grab your booze and gather ’round, for today, in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I’ll be drinking heavily and answering fan mail from hideously unattractive UWS people like yourself!

Now obviously, trying to get a UWS student to actually write a letter to the editor would be about as successful as trying to rewrite the President’s entire State of the Union speech on an Etch-a-Sketch while rolling down a bumpy hill in a big rubber tire. So because of this, I have only received one letter. Others may say it’s because this column sucks royally, but people like that usually end up mopping up poo for a living, so never mind them.

Either way, today’s letter comes from UWS junior Jamie Bunt, who I have known for years, but avoid because of her intense body odor.

Dear Paul,
I disliked your last column, “A conversation with my roommate’s dog.” It was stupid. You are stupid. I do enjoy your hair, though. It looks to have texture similar to that of a Nerf Turbo Football. I imagine touching your Nerf Hair (patent pending) would bring me great joy, much like the kind Bill Cosby must feel when sticking a Jello Pudding Pop in his ear.

Miss Bunt then recommended that I “go stick my face up my ass.”

Well Jaime, I’m here to tell you that I did just that. I did what you said. I stuck my entire face up my ass. I thought it to be a rather strange request at first, but upon trying it, I found it to be quite invigorating!

Granted, sticking one’s face up their own arse may sound like a lengthy and disgusting task, but with proper hygiene and a jar of crisco, it can be a fun and educational experience with little trouble or clean up.

In fact, I had so much fun with it that I spent my entire weekend doing nothing more than sitting in the living room, sticking my own face up my ass. By the way, does anyone have an open room for rent? My roommates kicked me out.

I didn’t even have time to do my homework assignment, and on Monday, when I told my professor why I didn’t have it ready, he said he already knew that I had my head way up my ass! The craze is spreading like wildfire!

So thank you, Jaime Bunt. Your hobby of shoving your face directly up your own booty has made my week very stress-free and full of flavor.

Moving on, since St. Patrick’s Day is coming up soon, here’s a little drinking game you can play, called the “Me Irish Paul is Uglier than me Irish toilet” game. If you’re a guy, anytime you see a girl that would not date Paul Ryan, you drink. If you’re a woman, you must simply drink until I seem attractive. Needless to say, all parties will be trashed five minutes after starting. So try it today, and remember to buy more crisco next time you go to the Piggly Wiggly. Good night!

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