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The final battle begins!

Note: This column was written during my final semester at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.

Paul Ryan, Columnist

May 9, 2001 is a day that shall live in infamy. On May 9, Chancellor Julius Erlenbach and I, columnist Paul Ryan, battled for the crown of sexiest man alive by posting our pictures on the website and seeing who came out the victor.

Julius won this first battle, with a score of 7.2 out of 10 to my 6.9 out of that same particular number, which happens to be 10. The random voters on that website chose their king that day, but the students of UWS still have not.

Therefore, I’m calling for a rematch. Different pictures of the two of us will be placed on the website – this website of hotness – and everyone, UWS students and the general public alike, shall vote for themselves.

I am personally guaranteeing victory against Chancellor Erlenbach. I may be ugly and smell like onions, and I may be sitting here alone in this computer lab except for the weird kid with the foo-foo hairdo who keeps hitting on the foreign exchange students, but damn it, I’m not about to lose out twice to a guy who talks smack like Julius does!

Did you see him after he won last time? Dancing around campus, gloating and singing? Calling me dirty names and telling the beautiful women of this campus that I’m impotent? Julius, this means war!

Not only that, but I’m upping the stakes even more. I’m so convinced of the pro-Paul influence that will be brought by student voting that I’m adding three more contestants to our sexiest man alive contest: fellow columnist Frank Haataja (a man who women say they like even more than The Olive Garden), UWS Director of Campus Safety Mike Wallin (who was recognized previously by the UWS campus with the “Sexiest Nude Campus Safety Officer” award in 1979), and last but not least, Huggy Bear from the 1970s television show Starsky and Hutch.

I’ll have no problem beating any of these losers. Haataja and Huggy Bear spend all of their time drinking Colt 45 double malt in the snack bar, and Wallin will probably punch me in the groin after reading this, which would disqualify him from the contest altogether.

Not that I think he shouldn’t punch me in the groin or groin-like area, but nonetheless, it’s still a violation of the rules.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re asking yourself “What more can Paul do to make this competition of hotness more exciting?” Well, here it is. I am personally challenging Julius to a French horn competition. I’ll bet him a box of Trojan condoms from the D-2 slot of the vending machine in the Rothwell Student Center that I can play the French horn better . . . with my ass. Yes, I’ll play it with my own bare ass, and I will produce a greater and more pleasurable easy-listening symphony sound that Julius can.

So there. Take that, Julius! You shall not embarrass me a second time! You started this thing, and now I will end it. So there you have it, students of UWS. Go out and vote as soon and as often as possible below.


Vote on Paul   Vote on Julius   Vote on Frank

Vote on Mike    Vote on Huggy Bear

(Voting is now closed)

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