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Fourth of July facts that I didn’t make up

- The Fourth of July falls on a Sunday this year, which is total bullshit. I want an extra day of binge drinking and gluttony, not one that replaces the normal day of the week when I do those things.

- Fireworks are illegal in Minnesota, but that’s why Wisconsin was invented. It’s not the only reason Wisconsin was invented – a place to buy beer on Sundays and a connecting piece of land for attractive women from Michigan to reach us are other reasons – but it’s the main reason we haven’t built a wall yet.

- Never point or throw fireworks at another person, unless they slept with your wife.

- Placing your small child on a wagon and tying a “Patriotic Power Blaster” fountain to his back may sound like a really cool idea after nine or ten beers, but he will hate you for it when he grows up disfigured and realizes only prostitutes will sleep with him.

- Sparklers look very innocent, but they can become a dangerous weapon when inserted into someone’s anus.

- It’s a well-known fact that children who are given sparklers by their parents have a 95 percent chance of magically turning gay. But by the time they reach high school that will be very trendy, so you’ll be doing them a favor.

- Homemade fireworks are God’s little way of removing stupid people from the planet. If someone you know even brings up the possibility of making their own fireworks, encourage them as much as possible. It’s God’s will.

- Serious tip: The best fireworks are Fierce Tiger rockets, Missile Base aerial barrages, Fiery Frog fountains, and Crackling Ground Bloom spinners. You will not be disappointed by these items, unless you blow off your fingers while using them. But even then you’ll probably still be impressed.

- If you plan to attend the city fireworks show, be sure to bring a blanket or jacket. Otherwise everyone will see you fingering your girlfriend.

- If you’re a TV news reporter, the best way to send parents into irrational hysterics with your newscast is to insert a firework into a watermelon and then show footage of it exploding. If you’re not a TV news reporter, this can be a really fun party trick to impress your friends.

- When sending invites to a July 4 gathering, don’t send Evites. Those are so 2004. The proper vogue is to create a Facebook event page and attach a photo of you vomiting at last year’s gathering.

- If no one attended your barbecue this year, it’s probably because last year you wouldn’t stop making jokes about people putting your wieners in their mouths.

- If your husband or wife suggests having a healthy Fourth of July barbecue with marinated tofu and other vegan entrees, it would not be unreasonable to lock them in the trunk of your car for the duration of the weekend.

- Grain Belt Premium is not only more American than apple pie; it will also get you drunk faster.

- Pets love loud noises. Make sure to bring them to the city fireworks display and let them run around without a leash.

- Do not put sunscreen on your dog. It will just piss him off.

- Never drink and drive. Instead, call a cab and then jump out and run away when it stops at a stoplight near your house.

- The Fourth of July is a great time for having sex outdoors. I highly recommend the Tilt-o-Whirl ride at the local carnival. It’s both challenging and exciting, and if you slip Sparky the ride operator a twenty, he’ll keep the ride going until you’ve finished. He will, however, insist on taking photos.

- Remember the golden rule for holidays: Underwear and pants are both optional, but you have to choose one or the other.

- Serious tip: If you’re planning to have a party while your parents are out of town, it’s almost inevitable they will know. Parents have a special skill for knowing such things. However, most parents are also cool enough to not confront you about it unless you break something or neglect to wash their bedsheets to remove the stains. So make sure you do that.

- No matter how bad the economy is or how dire your circumstances, this day has been set aside for you to stuff your face, drink until you puke, and blow stuff up. And that, dear reader, is what makes America so great. And every other country. But for the sake of the holiday, let’s pretend it’s exclusive to America.


 One Response to “Fourth of July facts that I didn’t make up”

  1. MNwookie says:

    What is really fun is watching a stumbling-drunk guy lighting fireworks. I mean fun in it’s broadest description: you laugh, you feel a looming inevitable destruction, you have a personal stake in the activity if that rocket heads your way, and thus the spray of light overhead hits your heightened senses like a warm kiss after a beating. Although, if you’re the drunk, you just wake up with burnt fingers and the memory of everyone laughing as you risked your life for their entertainment.

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