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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 2k10

Snowman Narrator: If I live to be 100, I’ll never forget that big snowstorm a couple of years ago. The weather shut us in and, well you might not believe it, but I got so drunk that I nearly missed Christmas. I threw up all over my wife… oh, excuse me, I got a little carried away there. My name’s Sam, and this is the story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Take it, Burl!

Burl Ives: (Silence, accompanied by a shot of Ives’ corpse decomposing.)

Snowman Narrator: Whoops! Heh. I forgot about that. Let’s just cut right to the North Pole, for the first scene of the story.

Mrs. Claus: Eat, papa, eat!

Santa: Shut up, bitch! You’re gonna make me bulimic!

Mrs. Claus: You’re going to disappoint the children. They expect a fat Santa.

Santa: I can’t eat all this shit! I’ve got diarrhea so bad, I’m gonna have to eat the rest of this in the bathtub!

Mrs. Claus: Here’s some more lutefisk!

Santa starts punching Mrs. Claus in the face.

Snowman Narrator: Now don’t any of you worry about Mrs. Claus. It’s always the same story. She’ll be plenty healed up before Christmas Eve. Meanwhile, the elves are bustling with activity.

Head Elf: Hermey! Why weren’t you at elf practice? We missed your tenor in choir. You’re our only poof.

Hermey: It’s slave labor. You don’t even pay us, you just give us communal shacks to live in like Cubans who pick Florida oranges. I’m reading this book on dentistry so I can rip out all your teeth while you sleep.

Head Elf: I miss your touch, Hermey. Come back to me. Make me feel like a unicorn again.

Head Elf: I’ll rip out all your goddamn teeth.

Head Elf: I’ll show you a thing or two about dentistry!

The Head Elf starts punching Hermey in the mouth.

Snowman Narrator: [laughs] Midgets. They’re cute when they’re dead. And it looks like Rudolph isn’t doing any better at his reindeer tryouts.

Rudolph: Hey, Clarice? After practice, would you… would you…

Comet the Coach Rudolph, get back here! It’s your turn, y’know! You’d fly better if you stopped leading with your dick!

Rudolph: Gee, I gotta go back! (Starts to run off but then turns back) Clarice, would you… well, would you give me a tug after practice? I’m pretty stressed out, and I could really use one.

Clarice: Sure!

Rudolph: I’m getting a handy! I’m getting a handy!

Rudolph soars high into the sky, but biffs the landing, revealing his secret red nose.

Reindeer #1: Holy shit, he’s got a clown nose!

Reindeer #2: Hey Rudolph, do the curtains match the drapes?

Clarice: What is that, AIDS? Ohmygawd, you have AIDS, don’t you? Gross!

Snowman Narrator: (drinking a bottle of tequila) Oh. Hello. I didn’t expect that scene to be over so soon. Rudolph was so upset that he ran away from home, and Donner decided to go looking for him. Mrs. Donner wanted to go along, naturally, but Donner said…

Donner: No, this is man’s work.

Mrs. Donner: What the hell does that mean? You think women aren’t capable of walking around in the snow looking for someone? It’s the easiest shit ever. A retard could do it.

Donner: Watch your mouth around me, woman.

Mrs. Donner: I’m so sick of your shit. You can’t even get an erection anymore. Go find my son, you goddamn failure.

Donner starts punching Mrs. Donner in the face.

Snowman Narrator: (taking a leak in a snowbank) Oh. Hello. I was just practicing my cursive writing. While Rudolph’s father was fixing his mother’s poor manners, Hermey, Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius met by chance and formed a partnership.

Hermey: Hey Rudolph, what do you say we both be independent together?

Rudolph looks at Hermey suspiciously.

Rudolph: Are you gay?

Hermey: No. Why would you even ask that?

Rudolph: Because you look gay. Really gay.

Yukon Cornelius: Yahoo! This fog’s as thick as Aretha Franklin’s pussy!

Hermey: Did you mean to say pea soup? The expression is “thick as pea soup.”

Yukon Cornelius: You eat what you like, and I’ll eat what I like!

***Note: Next 10 minutes of story, including all screen time by the Bumble, has been removed to make room for more commercials***

Santa: Holy shit, it’s snowy! I can’t deliver toys when it’s snowy!

Mrs. Claus: Nonsense. This is the North Pole and you fly through the air. There’s nothing to crash into.

Santa: Fuck you, I do this for free! Maybe if parents really loved their kids, they’d get off their asses and buy presents themselves. Screw this. It’s cold as shit. I’m going to play Call of Duty: Black Ops in the rumpus room.

Mrs. Claus: That’s the worst Call of Duty game yet! They added all those stupid RC car and attack dog kill streaks and ruined the whole thing.

Santa: It’s all I have! I already sold Modern Warfare 2 at Gamestop. I’m stuck with this crappy new one!

Rudolph: Santa, I could lead the way with my nose.

Santa: Yeah, you do that. Have fun. If you need me, I’ll be inside getting high.

Mrs. Claus: Oh… I flushed all your weed down the toilet. It was making you too thin.

Santa starts punching Mrs. Claus in the face.

Rudolph: Stop hurting Mrs. Claus! I’ll call the police!

Santa: They’ll never come this far! That’s why I moved to the North Pole!

Santa continues punching Mrs. Claus in the face.

Snowman Narrator: [laughs] She’ll learn! And that, boys and girls, is the story of why your parents buy all your presents. It’s not that Santa isn’t real; it’s just that he’d rather get high. It’s time for the closing credits! Take it, Burl!

Burl Ives: (Silence, accompanied by a shot of Ives’ corpse decomposing.)

 One Response to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer 2k10”

  1. John Ives says:

    I am the grandson of the late Burl Ives. My attorney will be contacting you.

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