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Paul Ryan is on vacation

Our regular columnist, Paul Ryan, is off this week for Christmas, and also to complete an out-of-court settlement regarding some indecent exposure charges. In his absence, we’re reprinting a column Hitler wrote for Cat Fancy magazine in 1936. Enjoy.

 
Ze thing about dressing up your cat in ze snowpants is that ze cat, she will struggle. Like it or no, zere is not a special company that creates ze snowpants for kittens. You will have to buy snowpants from ze little babies section of department store, or steal them from a Jew.

If you are not liking ze color of ze snowpants available, you can dye them on ze laundry washboard in backyard. If you do not want to ruin ze laundry washboard, you can sneak into ze backyard of Jew and ruin theirs. But howevers, please to be advised that ze Jews, zey are cheap, so zey are probably scrubbing laundry with rocks.

If you do not mind ze delay, I would like to take zis time to list ze names of all ze cats in mein house: Mittens, Puddles, Poopsies, Adolf I, Adolf II, Adolf III, Return of Adolf, Ze Phantom Adolf, Shitters, Tickles, Mrs. Poosine, Swastikat, Meowsers Fortley, and one cat belong to Ada that we just call Ada’s Pussy.

Meowsers Fortley is ze favorite cat of mein. She sleeps on mein face.

Once you have ze snowpants, you must slide zem on die cat. Oh, I am sorry. Misunderstanding. Ze word “die” in mein country means “ze”. I do not mean you to kill ze cats, or to use snowpants on dead cats. Dead cats cannot enjoy ze snowpants as much as ze alive cats. Mein apologies. I am new contributor to Cat Fancy. I know very little English, only conversational so I can listen to ze Aunt Jemima pancake show on ze American radio.

I have subscription to ze Cat Fancy so long, and Ada gets so tired of me poking her and zaying, “Hey lady, look at zis cat and all of ze things cats are doings” that she tell me to write mein own articles so I don’t have to talk to her no more. She is currently in ze corner of room knitting swastika toilet paper. Hopefully someday, someone in Germany invent ze disposable toilet paper, so we won’t have to wash and reuse ze blankets in house for wiping.

Anywayze, I LOVE CATS!!!!!!!!!! Let me count you ze ways! Eins: zey little toes. Zwei: zey cranky attitudes like ze old man whose soup is cold at deli. Drei: fur makes great for wiping when zere is no more clean swastika scarves. Vier: ze meows zey cats make to tells you zey are dying and needs to be fed. Funf through zehn: I LOVE CATS FOR NO REASONS SOMETIMES!!!!!

Once you get ze snowpants onto ze cats, zey will try to remove zey snowpants, as ze snowpants are crushing ze cats’ tiny penises. When you try to remove ze snowpants, ze cat will be scared and tinkle all over you and ze snowpants.

Ze way in which to remove ze urine smell from ze snowpants is to place two tablespoons of baking soda into dish, add water until it form a paste, zen rub ze mixture over urine spot in cat snowpants. Baking soda, it absorb ze big pee and ze little pee. So does vinegar, so use it to rinse ze snowpeepants. Zen put zey in ze wash. Do not place snowpants in ze dryer, as zat has not been invented yet.

I hope very much you print zis articles of mein for your magazine of ze fancy cats. I know ze Jews have written you letters to tell you no, do not print Adolf’s excellent cat snowpants investigation, but zey are biased because I wants to kill all of them dead. Zat is all. No bigee.

Also, while I am having your ear, do you have ze Cat Fancy issue #143 with ze coupons for ze Fancy Feast cat foods? I tries to have ze wet cat food as it zis more delicousness, but zis food, it is so expensive. Even dictator cannot afford zis luxury every week. Please to be sending 463 of ze Fancy Feast coupons, or I kills you and I kills your family and I kills your moms.

Also, publish ze article mein cat snowpants. I am for serious. Zis is public interest article. People read zis on Sunday afternoon when ze husband is sleepy in chair and refuse to talk. I do not require ze payment. I do this only for ze fancy of cats that I am having. Zat is why we are so perfect for each other, Cat Fancy. If we were cats, we would be ze fanciest of ze cats of all-times.

Love and ze hugs,
Adolf “Ze Catman” Hitler


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