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Minnesota spelling bee contestants disowned by families after loss

A few Minnesota eighth-graders thought they were hot shit, but instead got their asses handed to them in Thursday’s National Spelling Bee Semi-finals in Washington, D.C. Returning home, the failed spellers were pelted with rocks and spit upon by angry local residents.

Mandy Papenridge, 14, from Valley View Middle School in Edina, totally assed up the word “weltschmerz.” She spelled it “weldschmerz,” which is a correct spelling only if you’re a total fucking idiot. The word means “mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state.” This is fitting for Papenridge, whose embarrassing failure will likely cause her to be depressed and mediocre for the rest of her life. And rightly so.

“I tried my best,” said Papenridge, oddly cheery about her incompetence. “And I had fun! That’s the most important part.”

“Bullshit,” said Marvin Papenridge, her father. “This isn’t the Special Olympics. You win or you get the hose again. She’s in for a whooping when we get home.”

“It wasn’t her fault,” argued Ramona Papenridge, Mandy’s mother. “It’s ours. We should have adopted an Asian baby instead of birthing our own.”

Papenridge correctly spelled her first word of the day, “fissipedal.” Nobody cares now, though. That mildly impressive spelling feat is just a hazy memory, clouded by the vision of Papenridge pooping her pants while losing 10 minutes later. She also spelled “aretalogy” correct, which is ironic since the word means the miraculous deeds of a god or hero, two things which Papenridge is certainly not. The only word that applies to her now is “muttonhead,” used to describe a slow-witted retard who gets beat by a bunch of goddamn 13-year-olds in a spelling bee.

Nisswa’s Douglas Waynesbee, 13, was eliminated immediately after Papenridge by missing the word “pavonazzo.” Waynesbee spelled it “pavanazzo.” Loud expletives and a heckler making farting sounds with his mouth could be heard in the crowd after the error was made. Contrary to popular opinion, pavonazzo is a type of marble found in ancient Roman buildings, not a style of pizza named after Twins pitcher Carl Pavano. That was where Waynesbee made his mistake.

Waynesbee’s father was still supportive, despite his son bringing untold amounts of shame to the family name, possibly forcing them to change it.

“I love my son very much,” said Lonnie Waynesbee. “I’ll always be proud of him.”

“That’s why he lost!” said Pappy Waynesbee, Douglas’ grandfather. “He lost because you raised him to be a pussy! He spells like a girl!”

Before failing his peers, family and country, Waynesbee got “rhinorrhagia” right. It’s a synonym for the word “nosebleed,” which is what the audience got when they realized someone got a word like “rhinorrhagia” right but somehow couldn’t spell “pavanazzo.” Waynesbee also spelled “conteur” correctly, but nobody gives a flaming shit, because even a dead baby could spell that correctly.

The semi-final field of 41 has now been trimmed to 13. We’re not sure of the date of the finals, but it doesn’t matter because no one will attend. It’s a spelling bee, for Christ’s sake. They’re some of the most boring events in the universe, and most of us would rather stay late at work than sit through one. At least at work our wife won’t nudge us disapprovingly when we try to play games on our phone.

The telecast of the spelling bee finals is airing on ESPN, but it’s probably ESPN 40 or whatever God-forsaken channel they’re up to now. It’s the ESPN channel that shows high school softball games and unmanned live feeds of the X-Games restrooms. It’s one of those ESPN stations that even Rich Eisen and Dan Patrick don’t know about yet.

Three other Minnesota students competed this year amongst the field of 275 students, but were eliminated before the semi-finals. As per national spelling bee rules, each of these children will be euthanized, cremated and returned to their parents in an urn with the word “FAILURE” printed on the front. We will not print their names in this article, because their names and souls hold no value.

The champion of this year’s spelling bee will receive more than $40,000 in cash and prizes, along with a Muhammad Ali style satin robe with the words “The Champ” stitched into the back. They will also be allowed 12 minutes of air time on ESPN Radio to talk smack to all the other children in the nation. Every school in America will be required to tune in for those 12 minutes. Curse words and obscene gestures are allowed.

Minnesota has only had one national spelling champion: Aaron Brown of Cherry, in 1992. He now lives behind a bar in Balsam, MN, where he retrieves soggy cigarette butts from discarded glasses of beer and resells them as “loosies” for ten cents apiece.

“I’m the greatest speller who ever lived!” shouted Brown when asked about his past. “Now excuse me while I whip these out. Newports! Newports, packs and loosies! Get your loosies here! Loosie Brownie sells the best!”

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