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Ramblings bi-weekly pledge drive

Hello readers, and welcome to the PCR pledge drive. It’s like an NPR pledge drive, but for Paul Christopher Ryan. Every two weeks, we run out of funding and whine obnoxiously until everyone who likes us is miserable, including ourselves. Our last pledge drive lasted five days. That column was 780,000 words long.

This time around, we’re doing a mini pledge drive of only 850 words. We won’t write a single new penis joke or clever farting synonym until you pledge money! Unlike NPR, which uses its pledge money to buy antique armoires for Ira Glass’ recording booth, ours is used to buy vitamins and penicillin, things Paul desperately needs.

You’ve been freeloading for years, reader, and it’s time for you to give back. Paul has given you a different euphemism for “boobs” every week for over nine years, so it’s only right that you donate $5 so he can have his leg amputated after years of ignoring his type 2 diabetes. After all he’s given you, don’t you think Paul deserves nice things? Like a sandwich with real meat in it, instead of the dead spiders he usually smears between two pieces of bread for his lunch?

Cash, checks, credit cards numbers, Medicare benefit cards, nude self-photos from ladies, unused pain killer prescriptions and senior citizen money reserved for televangelists can be mailed to:
Paul’s Rhinoplasty Fund
c/o Please Don’t Let Publisher Bob Boone Steal This
Reader Weekly Office
Somewhere in Duluth, MN

I’m not sure where in Duluth the Reader Weekly’s office is located. They invite me to visit every time I come to town, but the thought of interacting with other human beings in person instead of through a passive aggressive newspaper column makes me break out in hives. My throat swells up, leaving me unable to breathe, and I develop what scientists refer to as a nervous erection, similar to when you were a little kid at Disneyland and Minnie Mouse hugged you from behind.

Anyway, we have a lovely ceramic mug that we’re just dying to give away to our pledgers. It’s made in China, is completely blank with no colors or designs whatsoever, and can be yours for a mere pledge of $270. Since it’s blank, you can draw stuff on it, give it to somebody you don’t like, or dump it in a box in your closet and never look at it again. Whatever man, it’s a $270 piece of shit. Just give us your money.

For $400, we’ll send you what you’ll assume is Paul’s underwear, but is really a pair of generic, $3 boxer shorts we bought at a rummage sale and hosed down with “Paris Hilton for Men” cologne.

For a pledge of $635, we’ll send you a VHS tape of the first comedy video Paul ever filmed. “Howard: The Movie” was a 20-minute masterpiece about a boy searching for his lost dog. It premiered at Paul’s high school’s film festival. One attendee raved, “Well, that was . . . interesting.” Another of Paul’s peers proclaimed, “Was there a script? Maybe try writing a script first next time?”

A $1,000 pledge will get you both “Howard: The Movie” and Paul’s second cinematic effort, “The Ball Smuggler”, a half-finished two-minute film about a ghost that steals pool table balls. It was never finished because 18-year-old Paul was bored by it. Also, it was 1997 and he realized that since he had graduated from high school a few months earlier, he now had no way of editing the footage without paying $64,000 for his own NewTek Video Toaster editing setup.

If you pledge $5,000, Paul will do a sexy webcam show where he strips to the song “Go For It!” from that episode of “Saved by the Bell” where Jessie gets hooked on caffeine pills and starts an all-girl band with Kelly and Lisa called “Hot Sundae”.

If you pledge $10,000, you’ll get your own personalized video of Paul laughing at you while he counts the money you foolishly gave him.

If you pledge $100,000, you’ll get the $10,000 video in high definition.

Though this is highly unusual for pledge drives, Paul is also willing to do trades in lieu of pledges. He has some old He-Man figures he’d like to trade for a VHS copy of “The Trouble with Mr. Bean”. He prefers the VHS copy because the DVD copy is missing eleven seconds of footage. He has written many angry letters to the distributor, Tiger Aspect Productions Ltd.

All right, Donald Ness of Duluth has graciously agreed to pledge $1.25, but only if someone else matches it before the pledge is over in 67 words. That’s enough for Paul to take the bus somewhere one-way and then be forced to walk back home! We can do it! We can reach this goal! Hello? Anyone? Is anybody reading this? Did they put a crossword puzzle or a sex advice column on the opposite page or something? Did Uncle Barbie pull an Anthony Weiner? No takers? All right. Suit yourself. Paul’s gonna start cutting.

 One Response to “Ramblings bi-weekly pledge drive”

  1. 8berse6 says:

    I'm willing to donate 100 links to free porn sites. That's even better than money!

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