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What will change when the Minnesota government shuts down?

– Unemployment checks, which come from federal funding, will continue. However, American dollars will no longer be useful in the Twin Ports. Within two weeks of the shutdown, the area will have switched over to the new anarchy currency: Coins made from squirrel meat.

– Ghosts will overtake all government buildings. The ones in the Twin Cities will be scary and intimidating, because they’re ghosts of people who were murdered. The ones in the Twin Ports will just bore you endlessly with long-winded stories, because they’re ghosts of elderly small town people who couldn’t’ get anyone to listen to their boring stories when they were alive.

– Donny Ness will go door-to-door asking people if he can be mayor of their house.

– Since the Reader Weekly isn’t owned by the government, columnist Paul Ryan’s wages will remain untouched at $0 per column.

– The hideously deformed mutants that scientists at the University of Minnesota-Duluth have been working on will break free and start dating women in Superior, WI. The women of Superior will not notice the difference.

– Angry residents who normally speak at public hearings will just shout their conspiracy theories on street corners and bus stations instead.

– Since the government shutting down means all toilets in the city will cease to flush, it will become standard for families to poop in a communal bucket and dump their feces onto the street at the end of each day. Ladies will once again use parasols and insist on their suitors walking closest to the street in case someone empties their bucket from a second story window without looking first.

– Settle down, Shaggy. The price of weed will remain the same. Unless the postal service or a public official delivered your weed.

– Angry from not getting paid, firefighters will drive around town starting fires instead of putting them out. It will be kind of like Fahrenheit 451. What? It’s a book by Ray Bradbury. Didn’t your teachers assign it to you in school? No? Sigh.

– Governor Mark Dayton will hide in his house with the shades closed, unaware that blame can travel through shades.

– If the shutdown continues into the fall, universities and student financial aid will shut down, causing sexy female co-eds to hold nude car washes to pay their rent. Or at least that’s what happened in this awesome dream I had last night.

– Bears will eat everyone.

– Your mom will still hassle you to get a job, but since the police department will no longer be funded, you can slap her without any repercussions.

– Paul Ryan will write a humor column with horribly inaccurate information, telling people a bunch of services will shut down even though they won’t. He will also suggest that people slap their mothers. A handful of people will freak out, while his regular readers will have just come to terms with the fact that Paul’s kind of a dick.

– Bottled water will have bedbugs in it. Tiny, impossible to see bedbugs that flow through your bloodstream and eat your soul.

– We will all die. Every one of us. There is no escape.

– Demand for beer from The Brewhouse will double, because if the entire state’s going to shit and we’re all going to perish, you might as well put the good stuff on a credit card and go out in style.

– Potholes in Duluth will be filled with ice instead of asphalt. So basically, business as usual.

– It will basically be like the video game Fallout 3, but with more cannibals.

– Hispanic people will come from Mexico and take all the government jobs for half the pay, just like that racist construction worker told you at the bus stop that one time.

– Teenagers will not be able to take their driving test or get their driver’s license, resulting in 73 percent fewer accidents over the summer.

– To save money, St. Mary’s Hospital will put all patients up for adoption. Those who aren’t claimed within a week will be euthanized.

– Outdoors enthusiasts will be allowed to hunt whatever they want with no limits. Even people. Only ugly people, though.

– Elton John will never visit Duluth again. Never! You hear me! Never!

– The Aerial Lift Bridge won’t be able to lift, so all shipments that come through the region will be sent through instead.

– Postal employees will continue reading your mail, except now they just won’t deliver it afterwards.

– Your dad will lose his job, causing him to focus more on criticizing you.

– When the government finally returns in 2016, we will all be under Chinese rule. Not that we weren’t anyway.

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