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Trick or treating tips

– If you’ve ever admitted to anyone that you read this column, don’t even bother buying candy for trick or treaters. They won’t visit your house. They all think you’re a sex offender, alcoholic, drug dealer, murderer, rapist, pyramid scheme operator, sperm bank thief, horse fellator, or someone who posts legitimate ads in the “casual encounters” section of Craigslist.

– Don’t ever dress up as Larry David for Halloween. It’s really difficult to pull off, and even if you spend a lot of time on it and execute it well – which I did not – you’ll spend the entire night explaining who you are to people. By the time you get done with the barrage of questions people ask you, the girl you were hoping to bang will be across the room talking to the guy dressed in the weird “shirtless Batman” costume.

– Don’t give out rolls of pennies. They’re heavy enough where they might break a window when kids throw them back at your house.

– If you’re allergic to peanuts and can’t eat candy on Halloween, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have fun. So figure out something fun to do. Like what? I dunno, you’re the weirdo who can’t eat peanuts. Figure something out, freak.

– If someone dressed as a homeless person comes trick or treating at your house, you should give them extra candy because they probably are an actual homeless person.

– If I come trick or treating to your door, give me extra candy as well, because I’m also homeless. Seriously. I write these columns at the public library.

– Give honest, blunt critiques of the costumes children show up in, but try to avoid cursing. One mother got really upset at me last year when I told her daughter, who was dressed as Miley Cyrus, that she was “pretending to be a girl who pretends to be a goddamn whore.” This year, I’ll call her a whore without taking the Lord’s name in vain.

– Don’t worry about checking your kids’ candy for razor blades or poison. Those are just myths. Besides, semen is almost undetectable after it dries.

– Kids are growing up so fast these days. Maybe consider handing out condoms instead of candy this year. The children may get confused and eat them, but trust me, they’ll only make that mistake once.

– Acceptable candy: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers, Three Musketeers, M&M’s, Kit-Kats, and York’s Peppermint Patties. Unacceptable candy: Raisins, Necco Wafers, hard candy, sandwich bags filled with Cheerios, spaghetti sauce, vials of synthetic marijuana, and punches in the scrotum.

– If I were a trick or treater, and you gave me a toothbrush instead of candy, I would ask you what the fuck was wrong with you. I wouldn’t say it as I was walking away, either. I’d stand right there on your doorstep and wait for you to answer me.

– It’s not frowned upon or inappropriate to give parents of trick or treating kids candy as well, but small airplane-sized bottles of liquor are better. It helps loosen up their joints during all that walking.

– If you bring your kids to one of those Christian Halloween parties where the hosts discuss how trick or treating is a wrongful celebration of Satan and sin and everyone needs to celebrate Jesus instead, your kids will grow up to be atheists.

– Women who dress in slutty Halloween costumes are like candy for grownups.

– Fact: The more impressive and detailed someone’s carved pumpkin is, the cooler it looks when you stomp on it.

– Ramblings trivia: As a kid, I initially refused to watch the Charlie Brown Halloween special. The Christmas one had so much Jesus in it that I just didn’t trust the Peanuts gang anymore.

– If your parents take you trick or treating at a shopping mall, that’s clear grounds for emancipating yourself, even if you’re only five years old.

– Everyone in your family should be vomiting the day after Halloween. You and your significant other should be puking up alcohol, and your kids should be barfing up candy. If no one in your house vomits all over that little rug in front of the toilet in the morning, you have failed as a parent.


 One Response to “Trick or treating tips”

  1. Yvette says:

    I saw gluten-free treats for Halloween. That's new. Also, much more appealing, cute little containers of playdough to hand out. Problem is-most of the trick-or-treaters around here are too old to appreciate that i think. They want candy,candy,candy!

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