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More tragedies haunt theaters

Hermantown, MINN – Fifteen minutes into the screening of “Ice Age: Continental Drift”, Claude Brown saw the emergency door of the theater open. A smoke bomb was thrown across the floor, and for a while he couldn’t see anything. Before he knew what was happening, he was given a friendly hug. He wasn’t the only one. It was the largest mass hugging in our nation’s history. Nearly 30 people in that theater were hugged in a friendly manner, without permission, by an assailant who is still at large.

“I hope them Hollywood types are happy,” said Brown. “They made this movie, and it inspired somebody to hug, and now here I sit, all hugged and shit. I feel violated.”

Days after a devastating massacre at a movie theater in Colorado, a series of other mentally unstable people emulating movies have been causing similar tragedies in Northern Minnesota..During a Duluth screening of “Magic Mike”, a movie about male strippers, an obese man in a thong burst through the emergency exit and began performing an exotic dance in front of moviegoers. Nine people died from the gruesome sight, and nearly 20 other victims required treatment at a local hospital.

“It was awful, he was so hairy,” said Carla Lundgren, a postal worker from Superior. “We were trapped, hiding under our seats so we didn’t have to see him. A few people around me tried to stand up and leave, and they all went blind.”

Ten terrifying minutes later, the assailant fled the theater, overcome with sweat. He was arrested by police a short time later. Hubert Poonus, 47, of Moose Lake is currently awaiting trial with no bail. Though the death penalty was abolished in Minnesota a century ago, law enforcement is considering bringing it back just for this occasion.

Police searched Poonus’ apartment and found it heavily booby-trapped. “Sexy” photos of the large man were hidden in unusual places, placed as traps to catch officers by surprise.

“We had to be careful, because there were erotic photos of him taped up everywhere,” said Sergeant Gary Tinkles. “Just when you thought you had burned all of them, you’d open up the medicine cabinet and see another one, and be blinded for hours. Eventually, we pulled our men out and just burned the entire apartment complex to the ground.”

In response to the tragedies, the AMC movie theater chain has announced they are banning costumes in their theaters. Spokesperson Todd Nettles said this will solve all problems in the future.

“If you have more hair on your back than on your chest, that qualifies as a costume,” said spokesperson Todd Nettles. “We have also banned breakaway pants. Okay, problem solved! Anyone wanna get some lunch?”

Minnesota lawmakers say the costume ban doesn’t go far enough. They’re preparing legislation that bans every movie ever made, with the exception of James Bond films, because those are British and they don’t believe psychopaths could pull off the accent. Also, the legislators really like James Bond movies.

Local residents applauded the measures.

“Erotic dancing on the screen begets erotic dancing in real life, and onscreen violence begets real violence,” said Lionel Farts, a random man we found in a restaurant eating a sausage. “If Hollywood didn’t make movies, then people would cease to be evil or do evil things. I can think of at least five crimes that happened to me because of the Tom Hanks movie “Turner & Hooch”. How many more Magic Mikes do they have to release before they realize the damage it’s causing to society?”

The Magic Mike incident wasn’t the final movie theater tragedy this weekend. Nearly 30 people in Superior, WI became violently ill during a screening of “Katy Perry: Part of Me”. There were no masked men or attacks of any sort. It was just a really awful movie.

A few residents, mostly terrorists and future mass murderers, were against the new laws and regulations.

“Really? Blaming movies? That’s a thing now?” said Paul Ryan, an obnoxious local newspaper columnist with poor taste and a severe lack of judgement. “Violent movies don’t cause violence. Mental illness, and the failure of people to stay in contact with loved ones or friends who may suffer from it, are the more likely cause. Didn’t they say that kid who massacred people at that Batman movie hadn’t talked to his family in a year? Shit, man. My parents call me every week to make sure I’m not crazy.”

Ryan then spent the next four minutes using his hands to make farting sounds and asking where he could score some mescaline.

 One Response to “More tragedies haunt theaters”

  1. Mike says:

    “Sergeant Gary Tinkles” Hahaa… love it!

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