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Tips for new students, whom I hate

Every time a new school year begins, the Reader Weekly forces me to write a column giving advice to new students. It’s getting rather embarrassing. I am 33 years old, people. The last time I saw the inside of a college classroom, the word “ass” was still bleeped on television and the only people who brought laptops into a class were chronic masturbators.

But alas, this annual column has become a tradition, so I must continue. Below you will find tips for students. Despite my age, they are still relevant tips because nothing important in life really changes. That’s why depression is as widespread as our grey-fringed skies. But I’m rambling again, as old men are apt to do. On to the tips:

– If you’re not interested in drinking, drugs or sex, you can probably complete your Bachelor’s Degree and Master’s Degree within three years.

– Don’t skip class to play Black Ops 2. It’s a waste of your tuition and education. Grand Theft Auto 5 or a new Fallout game, on the other hand, are a different story.

– When I was in school, you could find e-mail programs online that would allow you send messages with altered timestamps. So if you woke up late for class, you could send an e-mail excusing yourself that would appear as if it had been sent an hour before class. I’ll bet those programs still exist.

-The easiest way to make new friends is to tell a funny story. People love funny stories! For instance, here’s one you can use: “Hello, I’m Walt. Do you know the origin of the term ‘Belvedered’? It’s Hollywood slang. During a script reading, Christopher ‘Mr. Belvedere’ Hewett accidentally sat on his own testicles, and bellowed so loudly that the light hanging above the table in the room shook. Hewett had to be removed from the room on a stretcher.” If that story doesn’t start a conversation, then the person you told it to is worthless.

– If you see a girl/boy you think is attractive, for the love of God, just go up and talk to them. It’s a college student, not the Queen of England. Getting them to bang is not rocket science. Compliment their eyes, give them alcohol and quietly move their hand onto your groin halfway through watching the film “10 Things I Hate About You” in your dorm room. That’s how we did it in my day, kids. The formula has not changed. Maybe it’s “Mean Girls” or “Superbad” or “Schindler’s List” or something else now, but it’s the same damn thing. You don’t even have to dress up like a person. You can wear gym shorts to a college “date” and still win. Enjoy the ease of this while you can, and know that I hate you for it. We’ll all hate you for it.

– Don’t eat any food prepared by the school. Three years ago, the regents voted to include bull semen in all recipes so students would have thicker, shinier hair.

– Signing up for a credit card in exchange for a free t-shirt is never a good deal. If any solicitors on campus offer you this, scream “Rape”, kick them in the groin and run for your life. You’ll thank me when you’re 24 and not still paying off groceries you bought when you were 19.

– Drinking is much more fun when it’s illegal, so try to be the biggest alcoholic you can from age 18-20, and then quit outright the day you turn 21. That’s what Abraham Lincoln did, and look at him now. He’s dead and fantastic, and you can be the same someday.

– Lady freshmen, when you arrive at school for orientation, please keep in mind that the male Orientation Leaders are only there because they want to sleep with you. Everything they do to help you is in hopes that you will bang them. I know this because I used to be an Orientation Leader when I was in college. And for guys who are thinking of becoming Orientation Leaders so you can bang freshmen girls, please note that it never works.

– If you get put on academic probation as a freshmen, while taking classes with names like “Intro to Speech”, then you’re probably not going to graduate. Sorry.

– Learn from my experience: If a campus security officer writes you a ticket for drinking, calling him a “dickface” will not improve your situation.

– If you go to the University of Wisconsin-Superior, stay out of the underground tunnels. That’s where I and a large group of other homeless people live, and we am not friendly to visitors. We will stab you with a screwdriver.

– College women should always be wary of sexual predators. You never know where or through what medium one of them might proposition you.

– Freshmen ladies, remember to e-mail a picture of your boobs to That is the official e-mail address for the university’s Breast Cancer Research Division. If you don’t do it, you will be given an incomplete in every class until the photo is sent. Try to get your face in the photo as well. That’s what our research team likes best.

– If you’re not having a good time, then you’re not being slutty enough. This rule applies to both men and women. And teachers. And pretty much everyone else on the planet. Unless you get herpes, in which case we never had this conversation.

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