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Pet Cremation System – $19,000 (Balsam, MN)

Sigh. The time has come, reader. The time has come to sell my Pet Cremation System on Craigslist. It is gently used, like an internet girlfriend.

I was gonna keep it, but a man gets tired of being God’s maid after 10 years, cleaning up all the used up crap He leaves lying around. This gigantic metal death chamber just seems more like women’s work. Also, I’m really into Chinese Checkers now and would like to dedicate more time to that hobby.

I’m gonna warn you right now that it’s a sexy machine. I mean, yeah, at the moment it’s filled with kitten skulls, but it’s still a sexy machine. It’s a giant metal box where you burn pet corpses. How could it not be sexy? You can put almost anything in there. A cat, a dog, a monkey, a unicorn, a banana, an old man’s hat, an amputated penis you found in a field.

You could fit a kid in it. I would never suggest such a thing, and frankly, I’m quite appalled that the subject of doing such an act was even brought up, but you could totally fit a kid in there. A kid or a midget who got a bit mouthy towards you on the bus.

It’s meant for pets, though. Times are tough and everyone could use a little extra money. Some people sell creepy knitted objects on Etsy. Others sell “lightly used” glass dildos on Amazon. I steal clothing from laundromats to sell on Ebay.

But those schemes aren’t for you, reader. You don’t know how to knit. Your sister already sells heavily used glass dildos on Amazon, and mom and dad would get really upset if you encroached on her turf. You already steal clothing from laundromats for sexual purposes, and the thought of making it all mainstream and commercial just seems skeezy. No, these schemes aren’t for you, my friend. What you need is a good old fashioned Pet Cremation System scheme.

Think about it, man. Dead pets are recession-proof. What’s the number one option for people with a dead pet? Burying it in the backyard? Throwing it on their neighbor’s lawn and hoping he doesn’t notice? Giving the carcass to their other pets to eat? Flushing it down the toilet in an Arby’s restaurant? No, the number one option is to purchase crematory services, mix the ashes with cocaine and slowly ingest the soul of their pet over the course of 4-6 months.

I know, I know. You wear a suit to work and know how to read. You think getting paid to burn dog corpses is for other people. Well let me tell you someone else who wears a suit to work but comes home and cremates people’s ferrets on the weekends: Hollywood legend Selena Gomez. She bought one of these off me two weeks ago. You better snag this sweet deal before she decides to muscle you out.

Let me tell you what this sweet, sweet baby comes with, man. It comes with an extra spark plug. It comes with some body bags. It comes with a comically small plastic shovel. It comes with a “Kiss the cook” apron. It comes with a barrel full of dead rats and cats and people and other shit you can use for practice. It comes with some pornographic videos I’m throwing in there just to get some interest going.

Shit, I’ll even train you for free. It’s not like there’s a lot to learn. Throw some dead shit in there, burn the bejeezus out of it, put the ashes in an urn and then scrape all the splattered organs off the inside of the box with a shiv. Then wash your hands and go make sex to your wife on top of a pile of money.

C’mon, man. $19,000 and it’s yours. $19,000 and a four-hour drive to my house in the middle of nowhere, miles away from any other living soul. I’ll answer the door all drunk and violent in my tighty whities, and talk to you as if my dead wife were still alive and standing next to me. I’ll offer you some weed and you’ll politely decline, and then I’ll stare at you uneasily and ask if you’re a cop. After you’re gone, I’ll draw a crude picture of you and jerk off to it.

If you pay cash, I’ll even throw in my Pet Taxidermy Machine, which is basically just an old sewing machine. You could have two businesses at once! That’s how Coca-Cola got big: By covering all the markets.

I don’t check my e-mail often, because I don’t trust the internet and the library banned me from using their computers because they caught me riding the Bangbus on them, but send a message to me at and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Please put the phrase “Corpse Machine” somewhere in the subject line.

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