Moderator Bob: Welcome to the third and final presidential debate. Let’s start with President Obama. Mr. President, tell us your specific view on the conflict in Syria.
Obama: Governor Romney has no plan for Syria. He’s dumb. I’m smart. I want to keep our troops out of Syria while supporting them in other, more subtle ways that I will not discuss in detail.
Romney: What you just heard are the ramblings of an idiot. I couldn’t disagree more with President Obama on his Syria policy. Our policies are polar opposites. My policy is to keep our troops out of Syria and find other, more subtle ways to support them.
Obama: Well that’s a pretty shitty plan. Only an idiot would suggest a plan like that.
Romney: Shut up, dickbag. Wanna know why you had daughters instead of sons? Because you’re a coward, that’s why.
Obama: I will piss on your wife.
Moderator Bob: Columnist Paul, we haven’t heard from you yet. Talk to us about Syria.
Paul: I don’t give a shit.
Moderator Bob: None whatsoever?
Paul: I couldn’t give two shits about Syria, Bob. No matter how hard I squeezed.
Moderator Bob: Very well then. Governor Romney, explain with great specifics how you would put Americans back to work. Please do so without mentioning the other candidate’s name.
Romney: President Obama isn’t going to put people back to work. I will, though. I have a great plan.
Moderator Bob: What is this plan?
Romney: My plan is to create jobs.
Moderator Bob: Sigh. All right. President Obama, what’s your plan for getting Americans back to work? Again, please be very specific and don’t mention the other candidate in your answer.
Obama: Governor Romney doesn’t have a plan. He wants to take away jobs. I want to add jobs, and that’s my plan: To add jobs.
Moderator Bob: But how specifically will you add jobs?
Obama: My plan has two steps. Step one: Create jobs. Step two: Put people back to work. This plan has worked for America before, and it will work again.
Romney: Look, I don’t want to insult that asswipe over there, but his plan is shit. His plan will turn us into Greece.
Obama: Your sons look like penisless mannequins.
Moderator Bob: Columnist Paul, how do you plan to get Americans back to work?
Paul: I really don’t give a shit, Bob. Spending stimulus money didn’t work. Cutting taxes didn’t work. Screw it, man. Let’s just do nothing. I like Greece. Gyros. Olives. Things made of stone. Sexy togas. Good stuff.
Moderator Bob: President Obama, tell us your plan for fixing Iran. Again, please give specifics. Don’t just say your plan is to fix Iran.
Obama: Bob, my plan is to fix Iran. It’s a good plan and it will work.
Romney: I also plan to fix Iran, but in the opposite way that President Obama plans to fix them.
Moderator Bob: How specifically do you plan to fix them? What steps will you take?
Romney: I’ll give you specific details, but first I want to say that I once saw President Obama french kiss a horse. It was not done as a joke, it was performed romantically.
Obama: I once saw Governor Romney throw a baby into a ravine.
Moderator Bob: Columnist Paul, do you have a plan to . . . what are you looking at on your phone? Is that a pornographic website?
Paul: Go away. Leave me alone. I’m busy.
Moderator Bob: Good lord, these debates are shit. Governor Romney, how will you get China’s currency more in line with America’s?
Romney: President Obama doesn’t know how to deal with China.
Moderator Bob: Yes, thanks for that insight. How will you get China’s currency in line with ours?
Romney: I’d tell China to cut it out, and they will, because I’ll be the president. People listen to the president. I’ll also do a lot of specific things, which I can’t go into right now.
Obama: What a stupid, dumb idiot. There’s no way that will work. My plan will work. I’m going to tell China to cut it out. I’m also going to do a lot of specific things that I can’t go into right now.
Moderator Bob: Columnist Paul, how about you? God, please let someone have a plan of some sort.
Columnist Paul’s chair is empty.
Moderator Bob: It looks like Columnist Paul left. There’s a note on his chair. It says, “We’re in a recession. Nobody gives a rat’s ass about foreign policy. Everyone at home is asleep. You might as well talk about Miley Cyrus’ hairy balls, because no one gives a fat shit about any of this. I found some sluts on Ok Cupid, and I’m going to meet them at a Denny’s restaurant. Go to hell.” Well, that’s it for our debate. Thank you for watching. I’m going to go home, sit in my bathtub and cry.