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A list of conspiracy theories I believe

I believe deodorant companies have slowly weakened their product over the past few years so everyone will pay twice as much for their new “prescription strength” versions.

I believe Chuck Taylor All-Stars are purposely designed to be uncomfortable so only cool young people can wear them.

I don’t believe Michael Ian Black drinks Sierra Mist. A fourth kind of watered down ginger ale? C’mon Michael, you’re not fooling anyone.

I believe that all birds are jerks, and most of them are bigots.

When I ask employees at Carl’s Jr if they’re aware that their restaurants are called Hardee’s in the Midwest, and they tell me that they know, I believe they’re lying and just don’t want to continue an obviously boring conversation with me.

I believe blondes have less fun. In my experience, they put out a lot less than brunettes.

I believe 99 percent of the world’s problems occur because poor people aren’t willing to stand up for themselves. They’re able, just not willing.

I believe Peter Dinklage is actually quite tall, and the whole “little people” thing is just an Andy Kaufman style gag.

I don’t believe panda bears actually exist. Every time I see pandas at the zoo, they look fake.

I believe that the moment I find a way to be truly content in life, I’ll be able to enjoy it for 30 seconds before I’m mauled by a velociraptor.

I believe The Beatles were lying when they said “all you need is love”. You also need a TV to fill in the awkward silences.

I believe deodorant and cologne/perfume should be the same product. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a girl that she smells nice, only to get the reply, “I’m not wearing perfume. Maybe it’s my deodorant?” It’s very awkward. I usually just leave the building whenever it happens.

There sure are a lot of conspiracies about deodorant in this column. I believe that may be a conspiracy as well.

I don’t believe all world governments are controlled by lizard people, but I do believe lizard people would do a much better job than us.

I don’t believe members of Skull and Bones – the secretive fraternity at Yale University – join so they can someday control the world. I’m pretty sure they join for the same reason poor people join a fraternity: Because they’re ugly and need extra help to get laid.

I believe that Disney CEO Robert Iger keeps Annette Funicello’s boobs preserved in a glass display case in his house. The maid is not allowed to clean them. He prefers to polish them himself.

I believe car washes use a special kind of soap that looks terrible 48 hours later so you’ll come back and wash it again.

I believe that 99 percent of over the counter medications are placebos. I also believe that 97 percent of over the counter medications are made from ground-up dog penises. A homeless man told me that last one, and I choose to believe him.

I believe that every time I undergo anesthesia at the dentist’s office, a minimum of 12 people will touch my penis without permission.

I believe baseball is purposely slow moving to weed out annoying people who come to sporting events with their face/chest painted. It seems to be working so far, and I’m grateful for it.

I believe the color pink was invented just to annoy me.

I believe graffiti and this column are the last forms of commentary that are free from corporate meddling. Well, that and AOL! Everyone should give AOL all their moneys and personal informations!

I believe that people who wish other people “good morning” are just assholes who say things for the sake of saying things.

I believe Paul Ryan’s Ramblings columns are a collection of clever lies and exaggerations to get people to think he’s more exciting than he is in real life. I don’t believe it’s working.


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