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Only science can make me a tolerable person

Why can’t I drive drunk? It’s 2014. We have the technology to allow this. All the components are readily available. We have car ignitions that only work after the driver submits to a breathalyzer. We have the Xbox Kinect, which can detect a person’s heartbeat and a dozen other things using only a camera. Google makes self-driving cars that have been proven to work. So why are we unable to invent a car that can detect how drunk I am and self-drive if I’m over the legal limit?

I shouldn’t even have to ask about this. Someone should be working on it. The only thing we seem to be using this technology for is crappy Xbox games where you make characters wave their hands around. I don’t have a great desire to wave other people’s hands around. If members of society could choose between that or avoiding a $1,000 DUI, I think we’d all choose the latter. We can wave our own hands around for free. In fact, some of us are doing it right now.


Should I even ask about flying cars like The Jetsons had? Or talking dogs? Or how far behind the Jurassic Park timeline we are right now? We have prehistoric bugs encased in tree sap. I saw it on the news. So where’s the goddamn dinosaurs? Are these innovations not a priority? What are the world’s most brilliant scientists doing all day? Working on a cure for cancer? That stuff can wait. Jetsons Drinking Cars are more fun and upbeat.

Imagine a car with a cupholder designed especially for tall boy cans of beer. A car where the seat is luxurious instead of designed to keep drivers alert. A car that lets you watch TV as it drives you home. A car that lets you watch porn as it drives you home, and tints the windows accordingly when you unbuckle your pants. The fact that many weirdos will buy it just so they can drive around wanking to strangers should only entice automakers to get this to the market faster. It’s a million sales just based on perverts alone.

What? Oh stop whining. Just make it so the windows and doors lock from the inside while tinted. That way nobody is bothered. Also, keep in mind that we’re solving both the drunk driving and flasher problems with one product. I should get a Nobel Peace Prize just for coming up with the idea.

There’s an old saying: “Wish into one hand and crap into the other, and see which one fills up first.” Well, in that spirit, I’d also like my Jetsons Drinking Car to be part of the furniture in my living room. When I want to go somewhere, I’d just sit in my recliner and press a button, and that section of the room would detach so I could fly away. The bubble top would work like a retractable roof convertible. When I return home, the port in my living room would open and the car would self-park and lock into place, making my living room normal again. If we could also figure out how to make it compatible with workplaces, I’d never have to use my legs again, which has been a dream of mine for some time.

Since we’ll all be living in Jetsons-esque houses on stilts, this shouldn’t be hard to make happen. Granted, there will be problems. My dog will likely jump out of the hole in my house when it opens, eager to see me. He will likely continue to be eager to see me the entire way down into the abyss before disappearing forever, but the increased drinking I’d be doing would take care of any emotional distress I might have from that. This project gets a big thumbs up from me, scientists. Feel free to get started. Hello? Are you listening? Scientists? Answer me, damn it!

Let’s up the ante. The dog thing gave me an idea. You could go to the bathroom in your car. The windows are already programmed to darken when you unbuckle your pants, so we’re pretty much halfway there. Just press a button and a hole would open in the seat of the chair. Imagine the wind whipping against your buttocks as your business drops into the great unknown below. And by “great unknown”, I of course mean the impoverished neighborhoods on the ground where poor people still live.

What? Don’t feel bad about it. It’s not your fault that they don’t vote. They just have to bring an umbrella when they take a walk. Preferably a metal umbrella. The velocity of the excrement will likely require it.

Are you hearing this, scientists? Hello? Anything? I’m not hearing any applause. Am I talking to myself here? I’m discussing brilliant things! Revolutionary ideas! This Jetsons Mobile Drinking Toilet has everything people love. Just add a mail-in rebate and Taylor Swift and you’re instantly printing money.

I’ve done all the hard work of inventing it. Now all you scientists have to do is make one that works and cut me a check. That’s how all the greatest artists work. Andy Warhol, Jeff Koons, Ai Weiwei. They come up with ideas and their assistants create the finished work. You’re welcome, scientists. Let me know when you’re done. I have some mobile drinking to do.

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