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Tips for new students, by Chancellor Lendley Black

I normally hate students. They’re younger than me, they’re prettier than me and they’ve screwed up a much smaller portion of their lives than I have. Yet every year I write a column offering tips to help students. Why? Laziness, mainly. Anyway, let’s do some tips and fill up some space in the newspaper! Wheeee!

-Everybody likes french fries. That’s all you need to know. No matter what problem you’re having or which people are making your life unbearable, just remember that everyone likes french fries. If you offer someone fries and they say no, you don’t need to worry about them anymore because they are not a real person.

-When you ask out that hot girl or guy and they reject you, remember that ten years from now almost all of you will be obese and weird looking. Probably from all the french fries. So NBD.

-If you want to make friends, be sure to smoke lots of cool, refreshing Virginia Slims cigarettes. Virginia Slims: It tastes like new boyfriend!

-Nobody cares what you did in high school, unless they can look up the nude photos online. So get on that.

-I will sell my expired driver’s license to any of you for $50. Please contact me.

-Real talk: Reading a book and being quizzed on it is the easiest thing in the damn universe. You’re getting an incomplete in your freshman history class? Have your roommates hide the sharp objects in your dorm, because you are retarded. If you can’t read a book and remember it, then you might as well go find a job mopping up pee all day. Seriously.

-Remember fellas, catcalling at girls or implying publicly that they’re sluts is only okay if you’ve been friends with them for years and they’re used to your abusive behavior.

-Remember ladies, self-defense classes will keep you safe, but buying a taser will do that and be a super fun toy when you and your friends are drinking.

-If you’re unusually ugly or antisocial, try starting a club on campus to find others with similar interests. For instance, maybe a cool, refreshing club for people who smoke Virginia Slims cigarettes. Virginia Slims: The official cigarette of the University of Minnesota-Duluth!

-You don’t need a car if you sleep with everyone you meet. That’s it. That’s the whole tip. Become a Lyft Whore. That’s all. You’re welcome.

-Out of all those thousands of people staying in the dorms, at least a few of them probably have bedbugs. I wonder if they’ll be in your building. *Walks away whistling*

-Whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, scream “Clown penis!” and run out of the room. People will be really confused at first. Over time, they’ll worry it was their fault and that they said something to trigger a bad childhood memory.

-Peeing underneath someone’s dorm room door while they’re asleep is not the way to solve disputes. It’s funny, though. Do it because it’s funny. After you’re done, be sure to unwind with some delicious Virginia Slims cigarettes. Share them with your friends! No one will suspect that someone as cool and refreshing as you is the door gap pisser.

-Selling your blood or sperm for drinking money may sound like a good idea, but it’s not. It’s a great idea.

-Ladies, please stop wearing yoga pants everywhere. I have things to do besides follow you around and leer at you all day.

-If you join the theater department, someone will probably sleep with you at some point, either by accident or because of alcohol. Maybe a little bit of each. Things like that happen in theater. If both of you are lazy or antisocial enough, you might stick with each other because it’s comfortable. Eventually, you might get hitched. I’m pretty sure all of our parents got together through similar conditions. So yeah, joining theater is an okay idea.

-If you’d like to score some choice weed, call 218-730-5230 and ask for Donny. He’ll pretend he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, but that’s just an act to keep the fuzz away. Be persistent.

-Remember that future employers can request your transcript, and they’ll be able to see which electives you chose to take, Little Miss Twelve Credits Worth of Classes Where You Watch Old Movies.

-Do you sweat profusely? Do you smell like “dude”? Buy some Virginia Slims cigarettes. They’re strong enough for a lady, but pH balanced for a very weird man. Virginia Slims: The ironic cigarette for men. Buy them! This is not an advertisement! Nobody told me to post this! Shut up! Smoke them! Smoke them or I will kill you!

-This article isn’t actually written by University of Minnesota-Duluth Chancellor Lendley Black. I just put that in the headline because I’m kind of a dick.


 One Response to “Tips for new students, by Chancellor Lendley Black”

  1. Donny says:

    That shit ain’t funny!!!!

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