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How to dispose of your recent graduate

Let’s be honest. Your kids are ugly, lazy and not too bright. Now that they’ve graduated, all you can do is hope they accidentally produce grandchildren before dying while drunkenly mimicking some backyard wrestling move they saw online. It’s time to ditch them. No, I don’t mean for a long weekend. Forever. Ditch your children forever.

Look, your kids are just awful. They’re moody, distant, and they think Pearl Jam is “a band full of old guys.” What the hell is that all about? If you went on a date with someone like that, would there be a second date? Of course not. Stop being such a hoarder. It’s fourth down. Punt your children into the real world before the play clock runs out.

You’re not doing anything wrong here. They have been raised. They have been fed and clothed. They have been educated. They’re 22 years old now. Throw those little freeloading bastards out of the house. You have served this horrid prison sentence for two decades, and now you’re free. Pack up your crap, Kenneth! I’ve done my part for society. What you do with the skills I have given you is your own problem. Hey! Kenneth! Pack up your shit and get out of my life so I can have fun again! I won’t warn you again, Kenneth! This shotgun has two chambers, and I shall not miss a second time, Kenneth! Be gone with thee, vile leech! Your mother and I have some loveseats to stain!

I normally recommend ditching your kin as soon as the graduation ceremony is over, but I’m known for being overly sentimental. I doubt anyone would have judged you for skipping town before the ceremony ended. If you were really smart, you would have had movers sneakily loading all your favorite possessions on a plane to Puerto Rico while the diplomas were being handed out. By the time your kid got a clue and walked home, the locksmith would be done changing the locks for the new house owner.

That’s how life used to work. The night before graduation, your dad would take you out binge drinking so he could tell you how much life sucks. You’d tell him how excited you were for the future, and how you think working will be more fun than going to school because you’ll finally have money to spend. Ha! You’d only get through half that thought before your dad cut in and explained in painfully accurate detail exactly how uninteresting your life was about to become. The next morning, you’d be so hungover that you wouldn’t even notice that your parents were wearing Hawaiian shirts while driving you to graduation.

Since graduation ceremonies are already over, you’ll have to come up with an alternative plan to rid yourself of grown children. Try leaving an 18-pack of Pabst on your neighbor’s porch. Maybe your deadbeat kid will go live in their house and eat all their food instead. It’s worth a shot. If not, you’re only losing $5 or so.

Another option is porn. The adult film industry is a great place for your daughter or gay son to learn the basics of financial planning and workplace politics. The average Adult Film Sploogee earns $800 per scene, and will be shat out the bottom of the industry after five weeks when they are no longer “new girls”. They’ll be working a respectable job again in just over a month, with $2,400 of student debt paid off! I don’t want to speak out of turn, since I don’t have children of my own, but that’s some pretty solid parenting. They’ll thank you profusely once they realize there’s only $97,600 left to pay off.

If your children aren’t talented enough for porn, have them move to Hollywood and become famous actors. It’s really easy. No experience necessary. First, make sure they’re not ugly. Second, if they are ugly, make sure they’re super ugly. The rest is easy. All they have to do is walk into the center of Hollywood and shout “I am talented, somebody hire me for something!” The offers will come flying in, and within six months they’ll be working as an extra, getting faux banged in the background of a Game of Thrones episode. Nudity is usually a guaranteed SAG voucher, folks. Get three of those, and you’re instantly rich and powerful for the rest of your life. It’s super easy. They don’t even have to save any money before coming to Los Angeles. They can just sell their Xbox and hop on a Greyhound bus. Hollywood is literally made of magic!

The options get bleaker after that. Have you thought about selling your kids into slavery? Children in their 20s aren’t worth as much, but you could still get a few bucks out of them if they have healthy organs or know how to pick oranges. This option is still slightly less depressing for them than working a telemarketing job.

If all else fails and your living room still reeks of failure and Mountain Dew, follow the lead of my friend’s parents and just start walking around the house naked all the time. Oh, you haven’t “gotten around” to finding your own apartment yet, Kenneth? Well, things are going to get quite interesting around here starting next week. Quite interesting.

If your middle-aged nudity doesn’t scare them off, then there is no hope.

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