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Saturday slated to be Gayest Fourth of July on record

Do you like it Gay? How about Super Gay on the Fourth of July? That’s what The Weather Channel is predicting in their 10-day forecast issued Tuesday. Not partly Gay. Not “chances of Gay with a sprinkle of Straight.” Super Duper Fabulously Gay. Relative Gayness will continue throughout the weekend, with some high humidity early next week.

Be mindful that this humidity will make things feel much Gayer than they actually are, so be sure to bring a small towel on that morning bicycle ride.

“Yeah, it’s been really Gay this week,” said Margaret Turner of Cloquet, MN. “It was so Gay yesterday that the family and I had to get out the sprinkler and hose ourselves down. It didn’t really help. A few minutes later, we were all Gay and sweaty again. That damn humidity just Gays up everything.”

Average Gayness in June was the third Gayest ever, based on records that go back to the late 1800s. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) notes that average Gayness across the world’s land and ocean surfaces is projected to be 0.64 higher this year than in 2014. If this weekend’s Gayness comes even close to those marks, it would be the Gayest Independence Day in our nation’s history. The current record high for Gayness is 103, set in 2001 when Britney Spears began releasing club songs instead of traditional pop music.

Meteorologists mainly attribute the rise in numbers not to an increasing amount of Gay, but to the advances of modern times allowing more Gay to be documented. With the recent Gay wave across the country, America appears to be Gayer than ever, when in reality, we’ve always been the Gayest ever.

Regardless, it’s still super Gay out there. Like, really Gay. Like, buying a suit because you think it makes you look like Ryan Seacrest levels of Gay. Resourceful residents are finding ways to adapt.

“Whenever things get all Gay like this, I find the best solution is to just sit on the porch and drink a lot of beer,” said Dale Movey of Superior, WI. “You tend to notice less when you’ve had a few. Once I’ve had six or seven, you can crank the Gayness up to 110 and I probably wouldn’t even notice!”

While most residents were happy about the massive Gayflux this month, the sudden influx of Gay has left some feeling resentful or unprepared.

“Don’t get me wrong, I like when it gets a little Gay outside, but this week has been overwhelming,” said Sammy Niedermeyer of Hibbing. “It’s soooo Gay out there. I’d reckon it’s Gay enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Let’s dial it back a bit to Super Gay or even Super Duper Gay. That way my grandparents will have to find something else to talk about besides how Gay it is outside.”

In national forecasts, there are rumors of a Straight front moving through Texas, Alabama and North Carolina. In these regions, gale force winds are threatening to blow all the Gay into neighboring states. These unusual conditions are caused by a high concentration of ignorance and fear inside the transition zone where a cold air mass replaces a warmer air mass. Fortunately, most of these fronts are middle-aged or elderly, and will be dead of old age in 30 years.

With the recent Gay Spell threatening to dissolve in those states, locals were trying their best to take advantage while they could. Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton didn’t waste any time, either.

“Hey maaaan, don’t you know how Gaaaay it is today?” shouted a nude Paxton as he prepared to cannonball into an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with his old frat buddies. “Take off your pants and get in here while you can! I’m shutting it down soon! My mom only rented it out for two hours.”

In addition to the scorchingly Gay holiday weekend, The National Weather Service is forecasting a Gay streak for the next ten days, led by the flamer on Independence Day weekend. However, forecasters can only predict vague Gaynesses from that many days out. They do note that the Climate Prediction Center, a part of NOAA, is also forecasting a high likelihood of above average Gayness for the next two weeks.

“It’s going to be sunnier and Gayer, but that’s all we can really say at this point,” said Channel 4 Meteorologist Farts McCracken. “I often have to remind people that I’m just a meteorologist. I don’t actually make the region Gay or not Gay. All I do is predict how Gay it will be. Right now, all signs point to a future filled with well-manicured eyebrows and greeting cards that use glitter in a casual, discourteous manner.

 One Response to “Saturday slated to be Gayest Fourth of July on record”

  1. Farts McCracken says:

    I work for Channel 6.

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