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America bans Shamrock Shake exports to North Korea amid growing tensions

After North Korea’s recent missile launch, the United States has levied the most damaging sanctions yet against the country, banning all Shamrock Shake exports. The delicious mint shake is one of America’s most valuable commodities.

President Trump and Dictator Kim Jong-Un had a call yesterday to discuss the matter. The Duluth Reader has obtained a transcript:

 
“I don’t get it,” said Jong-Un. “Isn’t it just a vanilla shake with minty syrup? Why would we need to import that? Koreans don’t even celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. I mean, I’m a pretty crazy guy. I killed my uncle because he sneezed weird and I had my brother poisoned because I went to the bathroom and had a hard time getting the job done, and when I walked out I saw him drinking a soda and I was like who’s this asshole drinking a soda while the Supreme Leader is taking care of business the hard way? I … wait, did you hear that? Weird. It sounded like a grilled cheese sandwich reading the morning newspaper. You don’t think we have syrup, motherfucker!? Kim Jong-Un’s got enough syrup to shamrock your mom, fool! Hello? Is anyone listening to me? My reputation has been challenged! You’re crapping all over me with shakes! Why is no one else upset about this?! Y’know what? Hwang, execute seven people. I don’t care who. I’m in a mood. I’M SORRY HWANG, BUT I’M IN A MOOD NOW.”

“We make the best shakes,” said President Trump, rubbing his nipples vigorously. “Trust me, I know North Korea. I’ve seen it on TV. You have like two goats and a lady who gives mediocre handjobs. You’ve got nothing. Very, very poor over there. I mailed you a Shamrock Shake a few months ago. You liked it so much that you tore open the cup so you could rub the last bits of shake all over your face. Every world leader I talk to, I’m like this guy’s a Shamrock Shake bukkake king. But the media won’t report that. It’s a thing I said, and I’m the president so it’s definitely true, but they don’t like me. I’m just doing the hardest job in the world here, folks. No big deal. I’m doing many, many great things, but people don’t like me because Russian hookers peed in my mouth a few times. Sad!”

“You didn’t mail me shit!” said Jong-Un as an assistant quickly brought My Little Pony figures to calm him. “Didn’t you see our missile launch?! Is there one goddamn person who’s afraid of our missile? Jesus Christ, what do I have to do to get people to pay attention to me? Why is my life so hard? I’m handsome, I have great hair and I’m really friendly to the two members of my cabinet I haven’t executed yet. People are mad because I had my family killed, but that’s part of the job! Kim Jong-Un doesn’t come to people’s construction job and get mad at them for mixing concrete! Why don’t people love me? All I want is for everyone to be my best friend until I tire of them and have them poisoned. Gah! Hold on! My hair is tangled in the phone cord!”

“We’re not talking about you! We’re talking about me!” said President Trump, taking off his pants, as he often does when agitated. “I don’t know why you keep whining like you have the hardest life in the world. I have the hardest life in the world! Look at all these people being mean to me! Jim Acosta keeps asking me about the things I do! Robert S. Harward called me a shit sandwich! Somebody get over here and pat me on the head before I start a war!”

“I got your war right here, fancy guy!” said Jong-Un, lowering his pants and waving his buttocks at the non-video phone. “You want a deadly distraction to make citizens forget you suck? Pick me! I’ll go to war! We’ve got perpetual war over here! I’m the one! I’m special! Pick me!”

“You think you got what it takes to fake a war?” said President Trump. “Prove it! Hit Los Angeles with one of those missiles! Nuke those losers and we’re on!”

“Fine, I will!” said Jong-Un. “Just give me a few minutes. We’re still just kinda blowing up our own country with missiles right now. It’s a little different playing with a partner. Can we go to war in five years? Hello? Did you hang up on me, you grilled cheese sandwich?! Sigh. I’m so lonely.”

“Christ, how the hell do I hang up this phone?” said Trump, getting his hair tangled in the cord. “Even this phone doesn’t like me. Sigh. How many hours until the warm glow of the news cameras start filming me again? Four hours? Boy, that’s a long time to spend with myself. I’m gonna need to make a few more calls.”

President Trump then called his wife Melania. She whispered the phrase “President Donald Trump” over and over again in a My Little Pony voice while the president pleasured himself, loudly finishing into each of the six drawers of the same Oval Office desk where John F. Kennedy’s son once played at his father’s feet.

“Did you hear that?” said Trump to Melania, consuming his tenth Shamrock Shake of the evening. “No, it sounded like a grilled cheese sandwich reading the morning newspaper. Weird.”


 2 Responses to “America bans Shamrock Shake exports to North Korea amid growing tensions”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Remember when people used to read this column and comment?

    That was like 10 years ago.

  2. Paul says:

    I just won columnist of the year, so clearly a lot of people are reading it.

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