Thanks to Bob Smith of Duluth and his big dumb stupid face, Lyft has cancelled plans to expand their popular ride sharing service to the Twin Ports. Citing “reckless endangerment of their employees” and a “fuckface demeanor”, the company claims Smith’s actions directly led them to ban the Northland forever.
A few months ago, Smith had a negative experience with a Lyft driver in Minneapolis, so he did what most people would do. Smith broke wind into an empty UPS Express Pak mailer, quickly sealed it shut and overnighted it to Lyft CEO Hans Moonbeam. Upon opening the bag, the harrowing contents exploded, unleashing a sulfurous stank throughout Moonbeam’s home. Windows shattered, plants wilted and died, and three different species of birds won’t visit his yard anymore. A large dead spot seven feet in diameter still marks the location of the blast on his carpeting. Moonbeam’s cat survived, but remains listless and melancholy to this day. Every time the mail arrives, the cat becomes uncontrollably violent.
It was the most devastating chemical munitions attack of its kind on American soil. Twelve people in Moonbeam’s neighborhood were hospitalized from the toxic fumes. Moonbeam himself is no longer able to walk without the help of a cane. The issue has become a real dillypecker of a dilemma for locals.
“It’s not technically illegal to fart in a bag and mail it, but only because it’s so stupid,” said Duluth Police Chief Don Spanx. “But with the population of our world getting progressively dumber, I could see fart doxxing becoming the next hot trend.”
While doxxing is the act of posting someone’s address or personal information online, not attacking their home with fart bags, “fart swatting” simply doesn’t sound as cool. Some residents created their own phrases for this new form of domestic terrorism.
“I like that he trumped into that bag,” said Jamie Waldorf of Cloquet. “He trumped all over the inside of that bag nasty style, and his wrath emerged ready for justice. This town needs the unconventional leadership of people like Bill Smith. If Moonbeam doesn’t want to come to Duluth, we’ll send a little piece of West Duluth to him.”
Other locals were not as enthusiastic.
“Toxic substances are not allowed in the mail,” said Barbara Bumgartner, Smith’s mail carrier. “That thing could have gone off right in my face. I have grandkids, mister! Do you know how many showers it takes to wash that sort of thing off? Seven! Seven showers! It’s terribly inconvenient! I have things to do!”
While Smith said he felt bad for the innocent bystanders affected by him farting heroically into a polyurethane bag, overall he has no regrets.
“Sorry, not sorry,” said Smith, repeating a sassy rejoinder his teenage daughter used on him to devastating effect earlier in the week. “I don’t know what sort of operation they’re running over there, but my driver told me he only accepted payment in passionate kisses, and it was the strangest evening I’ve had in awhile. We should be told about these policies up front. I saved some money, but my mouth tasted like cigarettes for two days.”
Moonbeam seemed more hurt by Smith’s inaccuracies than his use of a chemical weapon.
“We’ve worked very hard to bring our ride sharing service to millions throughout the country, and passionate kisses are just one of many ways users can pay,” said Moonbeam, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “Most people use a credit card. Sure, some pay with kisses, others pay with old VHS tapes of hockey fights, and some pay with ravishing tales of ribaldry, but most use credit. Credit, Bob!”
Smith says he was made aware of the credit card option, but the driver noted that he wouldn’t have to worry about identity theft while paying with passionate kisses.
“I was right, yes?” said Thad Heuer, Smith’s driver that fateful evening. “He pay with mouth, nothing to steal. He pay with butt, even safer. Call Thad now for sexy Lyft! 218-730-5230.”
Word of Lyft banning Duluth has spread quickly, leading to mass protests throughout the city. Crowds of angry residents have surrounded Smith’s home, demanding he drive them places. Local transient Joel Anderson has been camped on Smith’s lawn for three days, hoping for a ride to the adult video store.
“C’mon man, open up! The buffet starts at 10am!” said Anderson, wearing a bib with a pretty lady on it. “God, it’s almost like he’s never been to an adult video store on a Wednesday before.”
Uber drivers have also lined up around Smith’s block, hoping to pick up new customers in Lyft’s absence. So far no one has shown interest in the misogynistic company that treats drivers poorly and steals data from competitors.
“Uber? Ew. I mean, I’m gross but I’m not that gross,” said Anderson. “I’ll just call up the guy who accepts passionate kisses. I’d rather get sexually assaulted by one creep than support a company run by hundreds of creeps.”