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An erotic guide to the North Korean conflict

– This conflict began in 2017 when North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un faxed US President Donald Trump a photocopy of his balls. Many officials initially believed the gesture to be a friendly one, causing Jong-Un to respond by Snapchatting a video of a goat’s butt to Trump. Again, with White House officials relatively inexperienced in foreign diplomacy, everyone was unsure whether it was an insult or not, so Jong-Un just texted Trump and told him to eat a dick.

– After American battleships made their presence known along the coast, North Korea responded with a show of their military might, which consisted of a failed missile launch and a fancy parade. So you can see how important it is that we pre-emptively strike them with nuclear weapons as soon as possible.

– America recently deployed its THAAD anti-ballistic missile system in South Korea, to help intercept any North Korean attacks. But for a limited time, Americans who are Amazon Prime members, own the deluxe version of the Amazon Echo household listening device and use voice controls to order a pizza from Domino’s will be allowed to control the THAAD anti-missile system for five seconds each, protecting our nation however they choose. Buy now before it’s too late! [Sponsored content]

– To show how serious the conflict has become, President Trump invited the entire Senate to his house and showed dominance by wrestling each of them in the basement. Unfortunately, the later stages of the competition had to be halted for safety reasons after Utah Senator Orrin Hatch pulled a quad while greasin’ up his naked body.

– Dictator Jong-Un is known for making outrageous claims. He once said he knew six different places to make a popsicle disappear inside his body. Six!

– The Pope is worried that the North Korean conflict will bring about World War III, but what does The Pope know? Nothin’, that’s what! He’s all fancy hats and slippers over there. Good luck milking cows with a big fancy hat like that, mister! You wouldn’t last a day on a farm with your big fancy hat. Look at Billy and me. Small hats, the both of us. I can’t trust a man whose mitre is too large for milkin’. The whole thing’s just silly.

– President Trump is known for making outrageous claims. He once told reporter Jim Acosta that he hired Russian hookers to pee on each other in his hotel bed.

– President Trump recently referred to Jong-Un as “a pretty smart cookie”. It’s unclear whether he believes the North Korean dictator is a warm, delicious Mrs. Fields cookie that melts in your mouth or a stale, crappy Hydrox that blackens your teeth and provides only a feeling of great personal loss.

– While both sides hope to find diplomatic means to resolve their issues, look at how rad all these nuclear missiles are! We’ve been absolutely dying to try these for years. Look at this one! All the other missiles are grey but this one’s red! Don’t you wanna know what it does? Maybe it has a cool fountain effect or a whistling sound when you launch it. We just hate to see all this stuff go to waste. It costs a lot and frankly we’ve already planned out how to use the empty spot in storage after we’ve fired off these things. Let’s just do it.

– China is clearly our ally in this conflict. In a brief yet powerful statement to Chinese media, President Xi Jinping called the United States and North Korea “Two farts in an already smelly knapsack.” I mean, it sounds more complimentary in Chinese, but they love us. Trust me, they’re glowing with praise for our plans to drop nuclear payload on a country that borders them.

– Many people don’t realize this, but each president is allowed to start one fake war when their approval rating drops below 40 percent. It’s a tradition! Just approve the war already. It’s normal. This is all super normal now.

– Remember that it’s important for America to confront North Korea, otherwise reporters will continue focusing on the incompetence of the administration and real concerns like jobs, civil rights and healthcare. That stuff’s really boring to watch on television, so war is in the best interests of everyone.

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