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Resourceful citizen fills pothole himself

Fed up with the city spending millions on skywalks and other luxury accommodations for homeless people, 1973 Denfeld High School graduate Norm Choad has decided to fill the gaping pothole on his street all by himself.

Loosening his belt on a warm Sunday afternoon, Choad drunkenly unzipped his jeans and dropped a steamy grumper directly into the pothole. The coil made a perfect fit, solving the problem immediately. Choad recommended that others do their part by repairing potholes on their own streets.

“They payin’ for it, why the hell not?” said Choad, referring to the city’s legitimate offer to pay $8 for each pothole filled by citizens. “I made $64 yesterday. Thank ya Lord, I’m ready for this opportunity! I’ve got enough bananas and oatmeal to fix the whole city in a month. Go to the mayor’s office and tell her you pooped in the street! She’s required to give you the moneys.”


 

Disney makes movies exclusive to microchipped citizens

Disney movies used to be available on Netflix and nearly every form of media known to humankind, but the company announced today that only people with implanted tracking chips will be able to view their content. Those who agree to have the microchip installed under their skin will become legally owned by Disney. The implants will track the user’s exact location along with their every movement and spoken word. Nearly 3.7 billion people worldwide have already signed up, almost all of them parents with screaming toddlers.

 

Kirk Cameron farts into microphone, receives light applause

As he has done after every tragic natural disaster, former TV star Kirk Cameron posted a video to social media in which he lightly pressed his corduroy pants directly against the phone’s microphone and broke wind abruptly. The act received light applause from the 27 people who love “Growing Pains” more than their own dignity.

“Pffffftthhhhhhhh!” sharted Cameron, pausing a moment to alter his grip. “Bwwwwthhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Pwwwwwthhhhh.”

Fans noted that it was not as fiery as his speech after Hurricane Katrina or as touching as his watery tribute to TV dad Alan Thicke.

 

Another superhero commits suicide

Marking the eighth such incident in as many months, yet another citizen blessed with a superhuman sense of smell has committed suicide. Unlike super strength, heat vision or the ability to see through ladies’ clothing, super smell is not quite as beneficial of a superpower.

“Do you have any idea how many people in my neighborhood are dropping a deuce right now? There are 47 people doing that right this second, and I am extremely aware of all of them,” wrote Nosepool in his suicide note. “When that vat of nuclear waste fell on me, I thought my life would only get better, but now every moment I’m awake smells like a Denny’s restroom. Just strong smelling pink soap and 2am drunks muffling their diarrhea. It never stops. I can’t take it anymore.”

 

Teenager accidentally says n-word while playing Xbox Live

Accidentally shouting the racial slur 17 times into his headset after winning a close online multiplayer battle, eight-year-old Felix Kjellberg apologized for the incident to his parents, who happened to be visiting the basement to do laundry. Kjellberg promised to never shout such a thing again. Once his parents left the room, he accidentally shouted the slur an additional 280 times.

 

Entire Best of the Northland awards decided by drunk at The Dugout

Scandal has rocked the region as a Freedom of Information Act request revealed that the entirety of the 2017 Best of the Northland awards were decided by one drunken man at The Dugout. Nathan Dongley, age 46, was the only reader who bothered to vote, and also the only reader who isn’t a twitchy meth addict.

Even the deranged sociopaths and mentally unhinged religious fanatics who write letters to the editor didn’t care enough to vote. The Reader pays its bills solely on Publisher Robert Boone’s nude webcam shows on the website Chaturbate.


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