Skip to content

Coward quits column forever, spits in face of beloved readership

“All my fans can eat shit” proclaims vile bastard

Pathetic loser and chronic bedwetter Paul Ryan is quitting his Ramblings column forever, refusing to publish them beyond 2017. Ryan’s mediocre, amateurish writing has been skanking up the Duluth Reader for over 15 years. His column will be replaced by a full page advertisement for diarrhea medication. The publisher believes this will retain Ryan’s loyal audience.

The humor columnist, best known for accidentally posting an online video of himself masturbating to Chewbacca, has been writing the offensive humor column since 2002. The newspaper has received roughly 6,000 complaints in that time, but finds publishing smut much easier than trying to fill the page with actual news.

“News reporting is hard work, but jokes about people shitting in each other’s mouths require almost no resources at all,” said Publisher Robert Boone. “He’s very popular with misfits. The sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

A list of shit I’m not getting you idiots for Christmas

by Santa Claus
Duluth Reader

Every year you fucking idiots send me Christmas lists. Half of them are addressed to Jesus. Lord knows why. Santa couldn’t be less like him. Have you seen the amazing shit Santa puts under rich people’s trees? Put out a $300 bottle of cognac with the evening cookies and see what Santa leaves under your tree next year. Santa’s not stupid. This shit is rigged.

Your good old buddy Saint Nick runs Christmas like a San Francisco whorehouse. There are certain things you can get with money, other things you can only get if you work in the film industry, and a few things you’re never getting because they’re disgusting and so are you. Here is a partial list of all the dickfuckery you selfish goons are one hundred percent not getting this year:

Price of dog turds skyrockets! Everyone’s richer than balls! Invest now!!!

BitCoins are dead! The new investment opportunity sweeping the world is dog turds! Every tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist simply MUST have them, no matter the cost! Fuck government control, buy and sell dog poop now! Prices are going up, up, up! Buy high, sell higher!

Yorkshire terrier turds, $500 per unit! Golden retriever poops, $3,000 per unit! Giant mounds of Great Dane are breaking records at $10,000 per unit! There is literally no way to lose money when it’s invested in dog shit! You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to not invest heavily!

Dog shelters everywhere are barren. All dogs have been adopted by savvy entrepreneurs mining poops for profit. Cats are also in short supply, adopted by seedy counterfeiters looking to pass off common, useless cat turds as if they were valuable limited edition dog shit currency, which they are definitely not! Cats blow ass! Dog poo is the new cool!

Celebrity couple names baby ‘P****flaps’

BREAKING NEWS – Famous celebrity Taylor Swift hunched over the elegant $3.2 million solid gold crib and shat her firstborn child right onto the pillow. Her and celebrity chef husband Guy Fieri’s horrid demon baby was born perfectly clean without any blood, the way all celebrities are born. The newborn did not cry, instead speaking perfect English and politely asking the nurse for a pumpkin spiced latte and an unfiltered cigarette.

The singer’s post-natal figure returned to its slender celebrity form seconds after the delivery, tightening into a ripped six-pack that frightened the family dog so badly it fled into the basement. The baby was immediately sold to Todd Penisfingers of The Penisfingers Agency, the highest bidding member of the paparazzi. The Hollywood power couple held a press conference five minutes after the birth to announce the baby’s name.

“As you’re all aware, our baby is more special than non-famous babies, and must have a more special name,” said Swift, jabbing a photographer in the eye with a fireplace poker for getting too close to the podium. “My dignified husband said the baby deserves a majestic name that thunders through the crevasse of the human mind, opening third eyes and instilling deep meaning into the very fabric of the universe itself. That is why we have chosen to name our baby “Pussyflaps”, after the inventor of the NutriBullet blender, Frederick Pussyflaps.”

Report: Everyone who participated in black and white photo challenge now has syphilis

If someone you know participated in the recent black and white photo challenge on social media, maybe hold off on touching their penis for a while.

Startling reports are now confirming that the popular social media challenge – in which participants shared black and white photos with friends and strangers alike – has resulted in a massive spike in syphilis infections. Nearly 103 percent of participants tested positive.

It seems the sexually transmitted disease was spread through the digital photos themselves, with the syphilis using social networks to hack into a user’s computer, overtake their entire house and infect them with syphilis through the water flowing out of their shower.

“I just wanted to have some harmless fun with friends and now I’m at the pharmacy filling the same prescription as the town whore,” said Sandy Weiners, age 82. “I’ve got so much syphilis, you guys. I was super cool before and now I’m so gross. Super gross. I’m never taking a photo of anything ever again!”