Skip to content

Price of dog turds skyrockets! Everyone’s richer than balls! Invest now!!!

BitCoins are dead! The new investment opportunity sweeping the world is dog turds! Every tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist simply MUST have them, no matter the cost! Fuck government control, buy and sell dog poop now! Prices are going up, up, up! Buy high, sell higher!

Yorkshire terrier turds, $500 per unit! Golden retriever poops, $3,000 per unit! Giant mounds of Great Dane are breaking records at $10,000 per unit! There is literally no way to lose money when it’s invested in dog shit! You’d have to be a complete fucking idiot to not invest heavily!

Dog shelters everywhere are barren. All dogs have been adopted by savvy entrepreneurs mining poops for profit. Cats are also in short supply, adopted by seedy counterfeiters looking to pass off common, useless cat turds as if they were valuable limited edition dog shit currency, which they are definitely not! Cats blow ass! Dog poo is the new cool!

Celebrity couple names baby ‘P****flaps’

BREAKING NEWS – Famous celebrity Taylor Swift hunched over the elegant $3.2 million solid gold crib and shat her firstborn child right onto the pillow. Her and celebrity chef husband Guy Fieri’s horrid demon baby was born perfectly clean without any blood, the way all celebrities are born. The newborn did not cry, instead speaking perfect English and politely asking the nurse for a pumpkin spiced latte and an unfiltered cigarette.

The singer’s post-natal figure returned to its slender celebrity form seconds after the delivery, tightening into a ripped six-pack that frightened the family dog so badly it fled into the basement. The baby was immediately sold to Todd Penisfingers of The Penisfingers Agency, the highest bidding member of the paparazzi. The Hollywood power couple held a press conference five minutes after the birth to announce the baby’s name.

“As you’re all aware, our baby is more special than non-famous babies, and must have a more special name,” said Swift, jabbing a photographer in the eye with a fireplace poker for getting too close to the podium. “My dignified husband said the baby deserves a majestic name that thunders through the crevasse of the human mind, opening third eyes and instilling deep meaning into the very fabric of the universe itself. That is why we have chosen to name our baby “Pussyflaps”, after the inventor of the NutriBullet blender, Frederick Pussyflaps.”

Report: Everyone who participated in black and white photo challenge now has syphilis

If someone you know participated in the recent black and white photo challenge on social media, maybe hold off on touching their penis for a while.

Startling reports are now confirming that the popular social media challenge – in which participants shared black and white photos with friends and strangers alike – has resulted in a massive spike in syphilis infections. Nearly 103 percent of participants tested positive.

It seems the sexually transmitted disease was spread through the digital photos themselves, with the syphilis using social networks to hack into a user’s computer, overtake their entire house and infect them with syphilis through the water flowing out of their shower.

“I just wanted to have some harmless fun with friends and now I’m at the pharmacy filling the same prescription as the town whore,” said Sandy Weiners, age 82. “I’ve got so much syphilis, you guys. I was super cool before and now I’m so gross. Super gross. I’m never taking a photo of anything ever again!”

Dog lightly snoring while sprawled out in sunbeam elected US Senator

Not since JFK has America elected a candidate based solely on their attractiveness, but Minnesota’s newest senator may be handsome enough to break the entire mold of modern politicians.

An adorable puppy lightly snoring while sprawled out in a sunbeam has won the hearts of registered voters in Minnesota, and without being accused of a single sexual assault charge! Men and women alike seem drawn to the newest, warmest, softest US senator who recently had a bath and meekly licks your face when disturbed from his sunlit slumber.

Lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam is replacing former senator Al Franken, who was thrown out of office like the disgusting piece of trash he is after it was discovered that he thrust his tongue down a woman’s throat without permission in 2006 and grabbed another woman’s buttcheeks at the state fair in 2010. Voters claim the dog is better trained than Franken.

Thanksgiving day entertainment ideas

1) Watch Ernest Saves Christmas for the one thousandth time because you’re stuck in your parents’ house and it’s either this or stare at a blank wall for the next 96 hours. There’s no booze and their dog keeps trying to rub his butt on you and it keeps leaving a mark on your jeans and all there is to do is eat and make small talk with your weird deadbeat uncle who collects Garfield stuffed animals and eat and die a little more inside and then eat.

2) Buy a mediocre joint off your weird uncle and watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. Imagine what each balloon would look like with giant genitalia dragging behind it, crushing anyone who dared enter its path. Thousands would perish under its deadly weight, refusing to believe that a giant dong was about to crush their home. They would be sorry later, when the brutal carnage was far too late to fix.

3) Maybe anarchy is the answer? Four days of living with your parents can drive a person to such things. If you have to endure this, why doesn’t everyone? Maybe all those dumb feelings you’ve had of being left behind over the years were right. The world will feel your wrath! If you have to suffer, so does everyone else! Anarchy! Burn society’s constructs to the ground and start over! From now on everyone stands in line for their weekly loaf of bread and bag of fresh fucks to give! One bag per person, no flipping!