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Thousands dead as yet another NFL player kneels during Anthem

The death toll reached 3,000 this week as a record number of San Francisco 49ers players knelt during the National Anthem. Wheelbarrows full of dead OCD hillbillies were still being carted out of the streets long into the night as Americans everywhere prayed for a peaceful end to all this kneeling.

It’s common knowledge that the only time it’s acceptable to kneel during our Anthem is if you were recently kicked in the groin. The pure disrespect of someone with unmangled testicles kneeling causes untold numbers of Americans to instantly die of a heart attack every week.

“There’s a million other ways NFL players could protest. I don’t see why they have to choose a method that’s so violent,” said longtime fan Billy Jo Bangle, age 68. “I understand they want to reach an audience of millions of inbred hillbillies and an NFL game is a great way to do that. I just wish they could find a peaceful way of protesting that doesn’t murder thousands of innocent people.”

The vicious gang of wealthy NFL elites who started this reign of terror, nicknamed “The Murderous Twelve”, are led by bloodthirsty afro-wielding ringleader Colin Kaepernick. The Twelve have been quietly using their knees at every opportunity, even when children and the elderly are present. Sometimes kneeling to tie their shoelaces or remove a pebble from their shoe, other times to start a bloodbath that murders thousands, what’s certain is these damned knees are having a brutal impact on the nation.

Local man can’t find anyone else on Earth who’s watched new Star Trek show

Perennial loser, frequent inebriate, occasional douchebag and non-active Wikipedian Paul Ryan expressed dismay this week that he simply can’t find another human being on the planet who has seen the new Star Trek TV show. CBS opted to make the episodes only available through their own streaming service that costs as much as Netflix yet only contains the mind-numbing mediocrity of CBS shows.

When given the choice to either pay $72 annually just to watch Star Trek or tell CBS to go fuck itself, the entirety of humanity currently alive on this planet unified in choosing the latter option. All of humanity except Ryan.

“Hey guys, I’m really interested in talking about the new Star Trek show,” wrote Ryan in a desperate post repeated urgently across all his social media accounts. “What did you think about the Klingons? Don’t they look like the Uruk-hai in Lord of the Rings? Ha! Trust me, you would have found that statement both accurate and charmingly amusing had you been stupid enough to pay $6 to watch a single fucking TV show.”

Report: Dog who licks own pee off grass 94 percent happier than you

Your dog’s urine glistened in the final hours of lingering daylight, having pooled into droplets at the ends of the curved blades of grass. The dog leaned in and licked it with a look of pure joy on his face, as if you being passed over for a promotion yet again last August weren’t consuming every square inch of his psyche. It’s almost as if your dog was simply overjoyed to just lounge around, drinking his own pee all day.

A groundbreaking study by Harvard University has proven with zero percent margin of error that your dog, who recently got yelled at for licking his own pee off the grass during his morning walk, is far happier than you. Over 94 percent happier, to be exact.

Some of the country’s top minds studied both your lives for a year without your knowledge or permission, discovering the secrets to why your dog sucks less than you. The outcome: You’re an uptight asshole and your dog is super nice and doesn’t give a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit about anything.

Man who collects Star Wars toys swimming in poon

Wendell Groldensmorf, age 38, removes a handful of sand from his fanny pack, letting the granules slip through his fingers. After hours of trekking deep into the darkened recesses of the comic book convention, he has found his prized artifact: a Vinyl Cape Jawa, one of the rarest Star Wars figures ever released, sitting loose in a pile of common figures. The vendor knows not what they have. He must move quickly.

With a steady hand and calm nerves, Groldensmorf pays the vendor, hiding his glee. He turns to leave, but another collector recognizes the figure in his hand and attempts to make the vendor a far more lucrative offer. The Raiders March theme plays as Groldensmorf whips the fanny pack full of sand from his belt and bashes his competition in the face, the dense sand packing a brutal blow. He sprints for the exit with hordes of butthurt collectors, vendors and security guards in close pursuit. Security attempts to shut the outer doors but Groldensmorf slides through in the nick of time, reaching back at the last moment to save his worn brown fedora. He waves the hat to the mob of angry locals out the window as his shuttle bus carries him and the precious figure to safety.

It’s just another day of collecting for Groldensmorf. While toy collecting and sexual prowess aren’t usually directly connected, drastic shifts in idolization of nerd culture have made toy collectors the hottest bachelors of the season. Gorgeous ladies of all shapes, sizes and Jar Jar Binks opinions are now trendily lusting for old school nerds.

Resourceful citizen fills pothole himself

Fed up with the city spending millions on skywalks and other luxury accommodations for homeless people, 1973 Denfeld High School graduate Norm Choad has decided to fill the gaping pothole on his street all by himself.

Loosening his belt on a warm Sunday afternoon, Choad drunkenly unzipped his jeans and dropped a steamy grumper directly into the pothole. The coil made a perfect fit, solving the problem immediately. Choad recommended that others do their part by repairing potholes on their own streets.

“They payin’ for it, why the hell not?” said Choad, referring to the city’s legitimate offer to pay $8 for each pothole filled by citizens. “I made $64 yesterday. Thank ya Lord, I’m ready for this opportunity! I’ve got enough bananas and oatmeal to fix the whole city in a month. Go to the mayor’s office and tell her you pooped in the street! She’s required to give you the moneys.”