Residents of Folsom Township, MN can rest easy this evening as police have finally apprehended fugitive Rick Dingle, the only known person in the state who doesn’t like Prince. Dingle was arrested on four counts of poor taste in music, two counts of contrarianism, and one count of being a total douchepile.
“Oh, thank God!” said retiree Margaret Patterson. “I’m glad they finally caught him. I just don’t feel safe with someone like that living in our community. I hope that young man gets the help he so desperately needs.”
The trouble began Friday night when Dingle, age 36, was at a bar and didn’t dance to the song “1999”. Other patrons initially excused his faux pas, assuming he was still mourning, but once others overheard Dingle refer to Prince as “That weirdo who dated Carmen Electra”, the police were called. Dingle was beaten unmercifully in a back alley before being thrown in jail without a phone call.
“The long nightmare is over,” said Police Chief Neil Spanx to a cheering crowd outside the capitol. “The one man in Minnesota who doesn’t like Prince, who thinks his singing was too high-pitched, his little mustache was unsettling and the color purple is unflattering, is now dead. I mean in custody! Ha! That’s just a little police humor. We’re doing things by the book, keeping him locked in a cell until he dies of old age. No reason to worry.”
Eyewitnesses to the incident were understandably shaken. Katie Knowles, a college student who was at the bar, found herself standing right next to Dingle at one point.
“My hands are still trembling,” said Knowles. “We go to sleep every night telling ourselves this lie that the world is a good place, but the truth is it’s filled with some really messed up people! I’ve been crying all day. I feel so violated, like there’s this simpler, easier life I used to lead that I can never go back to. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe again.”
It’s not often Minnesotans meet someone who dislikes Prince. State legislation passed in 1989 requires immigrants from other states to take a Minnesota citizenship test that weeds out harmful personality types. The test ensures that all new citizens are well read in the subjects of lutefisk preparation, the genius of Prince, and the common courtesy of leaving a man be when he’s getting drunk by himself in his toolshed. Sadly, more Wisconsin residents are entering Minnesota illegally every year.
Dingle will be sent to a special detainment center in Green Bay, WI for Minnesotans who don’t like Prince. The location was chosen specifically to circumvent US laws that forbid extreme interrogation methods. In sovereign nations such as Green Bay, authorities can waterboard and blast Prince’s “Batdance” in the ears of prisoners 24 hours per day until they’re properly reformed. In time, Chief Spanx said the mere sound of one of Prince’s songs will make Dingle emotionally vulnerable, just like a normal Minnesotan.
Minnesotans are aware of the torture, beatings and other illegal abuses being perpetrated in the facility, and have been quick to voice their opinions.
“That is just awful,” said pharmacist Greg Townsley. “I mean, who doesn’t like Prince? A fucking asshole, that’s who. They should beat him more. He’s not a real person.”
Other residents were more optimistic, remaining hopeful that Dingle just needs to find the right Prince song before returning to normal society.
“Okay, he hates Prince, but he still likes ‘Let’s Go Crazy’, right?” said waitress Melanie Santos. “Oh. Wow. Seriously? Boy, does that guy suck. Can’t we just tie him up in an old potato sack and throw him in the river?”
Minnesotans, being famous for their niceness, were even okay with letting Dingle out if he agreed to just like Prince songs from movie soundtracks.
“Does he know Prince did the entire soundtrack for Batman?” said cashier Taylor Bass. “I feel like nobody told him Prince did the soundtrack for Batman. Oh, they did? They told him? He knows it’s Tim Burton’s Batman? He still doesn’t care? Well then. Fuck that guy.”
Police said Dingle dislikes the Batman soundtrack as well, referring to it as “a bunch of jerking off.” A poll taken shortly after that quote was released found that 100 percent of Minnesotans now agree with reinstating the death penalty. Dingle remains defiant.
“To hell with Prince and to hell with all of you!” shouted Dingle. “‘Little Red Corvette’ is a stupid song! It’s supposed to be about a lady he likes, but then in the second verse he compares her to a horse! You’re all a bunch of goddamn sheep! Also, can I get some insulin? I’m diabetic and they haven’t given me any in three days.”
Chief Spanx said Dingle can have his insulin once he admits that Prince’s “Kiss” was a better song than “It’s The End of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM. Dingle has refused, choosing to go on a hunger strike in retaliation. Guards have decided to let nature take its course.