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Nation’s drunks change excuse from basketball to baseball

The NBA season has ended, and the nation’s alcoholics are scrambling to find a new excuse to be drunk and belligerent. Football season has always been the crown jewel of obnoxious inebriates everywhere, but summer sports are more lacking in testosterone, making the excuses for punting one’s dog across the yard or having angry shouting matches with girlfriends outside bars far less enjoyable.

Baseball has always been the chosen sport to complement the professional alcoholic’s flaccid summer months, but the length of the games and slow pace of the action makes drunkards drowsy, leading to fewer incidents of cats being thrown against walls or children being angrily shouted at for routine behavior. With the national average for drunken beatings plummeting three years in a row, the group is considering other sports.

Man uses national tragedy as excuse for eating at Denny’s

Mere hours after the largest mass shooting in America’s history, the nation was once again shocked into disbelief by another brutal tragedy. Rumors surfaced this morning that local man Travin Omar has used the tragedy as an excuse for eating at a Denny’s restaurant.

“The brutal massacre in Orlando has been so rough for everyone,” said Omar. “I just can’t believe something like this can still happen in America with such regularity. I’m so depressed at how this country continues to do nothing, no matter how many deaths occur or how frequently. No mental health reform, no consequences for the parents, and you can’t even think about gun control without starting a civil war. I was so bummed this morning that I just said fuck it, I’m gonna eat at Denny’s.”

Fitness instructor really just escaped mental patient

Crossfit Pilates Ass Kickers Thunderdome Yoga Gym is apologizing to customers after a police raid resulted in the arrest of 37 of their fitness instructors and personal trainers. Police claim the popular instructors – renowned for their intensity and motivation skills – are actually just escaped mental patients who would be completely unemployable in any other profession.

“You’d think people would stay away from personal trainers known for humiliating and berating their clients, but it seems that reputation only makes them more wildly successful,” said Sergeant Tom Chadwick. “It’s almost as if people who are obsessed with health and fitness are a bit deranged themselves.”

Recent studies show that nearly 98 percent of personal trainers are violent demented masochists, much in the same way that most clergy members are casual supporters of pedophilia and most police officers think African Americans are holding a gun.

Police are cracking down on fitness centers throughout the city after a shocking incident last week in which one instructor fed a 32-year-old woman to a live tiger as punishment for eating a dry bagel for breakfast. The trainer’s lawyer argues that his client, who is very serious about carbs, was merely doing his job and the victim “is now much thinner than before, as promised.”

Customers of the gym seemed oddly unfazed by the news.

Miss Manners: Your daughter pooping in the microwave might affect your taxes

By Judith Martin

Dear Miss Manners,
My daughter has general anxiety, social anxiety, double secret probation anxiety, bipolar disorder, Tourette syndrome and a labia that extends to her knees. She also poops her pants whenever I use the microwave. With this information in mind, should I itemize my taxes or just take the standard deduction?

If Miss Manners has made sure of one thing in her 137 years of writing this column, it’s that she never cleans up diarrhea unless she’s getting paid for it. So definitely itemize your taxes.

Dear Miss Manners,
My 18-year-old son only wants to get high and play video games all day. What should I do?

Miss Manners doesn’t believe you’re giving her the full story. She’s pretty sure your son also spends an unreasonable amount of time pleasuring himself to Game of Thrones episodes. Regardless, it’s important that you kill your son. This is the only way to show him that what he’s doing is unhealthy. Once he’s dead, he’ll realize that he wasted his life and the problem will solve itself. At his funeral, make sure to use his open casket as an ashtray to ensure the point gets driven home.

Bernie Sanders apparel 90% off

Bernie Sanders isn’t giving up on his fight for the Democratic nomination, but eyebrows are raising this week as he also announced a 90 percent off sale on apparel. Sanders tried to downplay the significance.

“There are a lot of people out there who say I should drop out of the race,” said Sanders. “Well, let me be as clear as I can be. I’m in it until the last ballot is cast, but these 2016 Bernie t-shirts need to go. We produced a lot of them, our overhead is not looking good. I’m still in the race, and I still plan to win, but these t-shirts are done. Not me. Just the shirts. Ninety percent off. Everybody wears t-shirts. That’s what they told me. I didn’t ask a lot of questions. I may have been misled. Ninety percent off. Tell your Bernie Buddies.”