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Study: Your pet hates you, cares only about food

A groundbreaking new study by researchers in Poland has found that your dog despises you and desperately wants to escape the miniature Guantanamo prison that is your home. The study also found that if you died suddenly, your dog would not only eat you, but would greatly enjoy themselves and have no remorse whatsoever.

According to researchers, your dog knows he’s your slave and prisoner, and actively feels really bummed out about it. This is why your dog sometimes rubs his butt against your mouth while you’re asleep. Your dog also thinks your cologne/perfume is “a bit desperate” and your haircut is “a hot mess that cannot be fixed.” Your dog feels sorry for you and treats you with kindness because the choices you make in your life lead your dog to believe that you have some form of mental illness.

Americans sit quietly in rocking chair on porch, staring blankly into nation’s abyss

The wind blows softly through Janine Garvey’s coffee-colored hair, causing a few curly strands to stray across her face. It’s a beautiful morning in Ohio, full of blue skies and sunny weather, but Garvey seems unmoved. She merely stares vacantly into the distance, the wind slowly rocking her chair back and forth.

“I don’t know what those bastards did or said in that presidential debate, but she’s been sitting like that ever since,” said Elizabeth Garvey, pointing to her 20-year-old daughter rocking back and forth ever so gently on the porch. “I even made her some of my famous pepperoni Hot Pockets, but she won’t touch them. She just wants to sit in that damn chair staring into the horrible abyss that was once our democracy.”

Scott Choe, a freshman at the University of Minnesota, was also mentally broken by the recent debate, locking himself in his dorm room for nearly 72 hours afterward, curled into the fetal position and muttering Bernie Sanders slogans to himself over and over again.

“I thought he was jacking it,” said roommate David Thompkins. “It seemed like a pretty epic jack. Turns out he’s just really depressed. After waiting 18 years to vote, he’s only allowed to choose between the two worst human beings who ever lived. It’s like being promised a fancy dinner and then someone takes you to Hardee’s. Here man, choose between this shit sandwich or this western BBQ shit sandwich. Guaranteed diarrhea.”

Halloween party tips from Martha Stewart

Halloween is right around the corner, and the Duluth Reader is excited to welcome guest columnist Martha Stewart! Today she’ll be sharing tips for decorating our homes and ourselves for Halloween!

– To make your life more enjoyable this Halloween, try replacing your decorations with a bottle of bourbon, and your costume with another bottle of bourbon. If you have kids, don’t replace them with bourbon. They can get you candy.

– Make sure you put some time and effort into your decorating. You wouldn’t want to anger Satan, now would you? Answer me, goddamn it! Sorry, I’m not sure what came over me. Let’s forget this happened.

– Never use Halloween as an excuse for misogyny. That’s what Hitler did, and look at him now. He’s dead!

– Vampires are no longer sexy. Scrooge McDuck from Duck Tales is the sexiest costume now. Why? Because it’s printed in a newspaper column. We wouldn’t print something that isn’t true. Just go do it.

Presidential election canceled due to lack of good candidates

After a disastrous first debate in which both candidates looked like escaped mental patients attempting to blend in with humanity, Americans have unanimously decided to not hold a presidential election in November. On January 20, 2017 a small placard with “Fuck it” printed on it will be inaugurated into the Oval Office instead.

The placard is not an acting president, just a verbal agreement amongst Americans that no one deserves to be president right now. No decisions will be made over the next four years, no legislation will be passed, and all laws and funding will remain the same. The only change that will occur is on the placard’s first day, when it plans to sign an executive order to give all Americans free ice cream the first day of each month.

Americans have never been so excited to welcome a new president.

“I really love the placard,” said Melanie Hobbs of New York. “I think the placard will do an excellent job. Nothing’s changing, and while that means nothing is improving, it also means I’m not getting screwed any worse than last year. I think most Americans are pretty thrilled with that.”

Farmer’s almanac predicts you will live in your mom’s basement forever

The Old Farmer’s Almanac released their Long Range Forecast this week, predicting a winter full of icy cold temperatures and heavy snowfall on the East Coast, but milder temperatures elsewhere. Here are a few other predictions the almanac has made for the upcoming winter:

– Todd Marston of Superior, WI will continue living in his mom’s basement throughout the season, eating all her groceries and using what little money he makes dealing weed to buy lottery tickets and tattoos of his ex-girlfriend’s name. Around March, he will become restless and begin pleasuring himself with his non-dominant left hand. If he closes his eyes tightly enough, it will feel like he’s getting a handy from a ghost.

– The Minnesota Vikings will install new luxury suites in the players’ locker room, allowing their most wealthy season ticket holders the chance to eat buffalo wings and drink $12 beers whilst watching Adrian Peterson shower.