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Social apocalypse begins after celebrity sneezes in public

The world of celebrity gossip and scandal is on fire today after socialite Kylie Jenner sneezed. Jenner’s bizarre personal choice to sneeze in public like a regular person is creating a heated debate throughout the country.

“I don’t know if I like her anymore,” said Todd Flounder of New York. “I thought she was soooooo pretty and way better than me, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, poor people sneeze. Why would I follow someone on Instagram if they’re a normal person? If I want that, I’ll just follow my friend Ronnie, who also posts obnoxious inspirational quotes and sideboob selfies.”

While it’s normal for regular humans to sneeze, scientists are baffled as to why a celebrity would need to do so. Genetically engineered to be better than us, this is the first known record of a celebrity sneezing, burping, coughing or raising their own children.

Police arrest man who doesn’t like Prince

Residents of Folsom Township, MN can rest easy this evening as police have finally apprehended fugitive Rick Dingle, the only known person in the state who doesn’t like Prince. Dingle was arrested on four counts of poor taste in music, two counts of contrarianism, and one count of being a total douchepile.

“Oh, thank God!” said retiree Margaret Patterson. “I’m glad they finally caught him. I just don’t feel safe with someone like that living in our community. I hope that young man gets the help he so desperately needs.”

The trouble began Friday night when Dingle, age 36, was at a bar and didn’t dance to the song “1999”. Other patrons initially excused his faux pas, assuming he was still mourning, but once others overheard Dingle refer to Prince as “That weirdo who dated Carmen Electra”, the police were called. Dingle was beaten unmercifully in a back alley before being thrown in jail without a phone call.

“The long nightmare is over,” said Police Chief Neil Spanx to a cheering crowd outside the capitol. “The one man in Minnesota who doesn’t like Prince, who thinks his singing was too high-pitched, his little mustache was unsettling and the color purple is unflattering, is now dead. I mean in custody! Ha! That’s just a little police humor. We’re doing things by the book, keeping him locked in a cell until he dies of old age. No reason to worry.”

Writing your first parody newspaper

Students are young and need our guidance. When April Fools Day rolls around, it’s important we take the time to speak to them about jokes. As you may know, jokes can be used for good. But did you also know jokes can be used for irreparable evil?

The student journalists at UWS recently found this out the hard way. Here’s some tips to help others who want to write their very own parody newspaper, but don’t want to get beaten to death by an angry mob:

 
• Try not to place the word “Jewish” in the same sentence as the word “fuck”. Especially if it’s the headline.

GOP pushing Cookie Monster to run for president

Will Americans vote for a monster in this fall’s presidential race? An anonymous group of billionaires is counting on it in their battle to derail Donald Trump.

Bernard “Cookie” Monster, age 50, is a beloved character from Sesame Street and a lifelong conservative. Despite 50 years in show business – an industry filled to the brim with communists and cornholers – Cookie Monster has remained fiscally conservative yet socially liberal, perfect for appealing to independent voters.

Nearly a dozen billionaires have pledged resources to the project. Six strategic memos were sent to Cookie Monster detailing the plan, along with a batch of homemade cookies. Cookie Monster is downplaying the rumors.

“Me not seen reports, but me sure it just idle talk,” said Mr. Monster, his mouth suspiciously full of homemade cookies.

Report: Church attendance ‘total ass’ the week after Easter

The church pews sit cold and vacant, devoid of the hundreds of heathen asses that adorned them just one week earlier. Easter had these same pews filled to capacity, with spots in the back so coveted that the uncomfortable shifting of one’s buttocks was felt by the entire row. Now those large crowds are gone, leaving pastors nationwide to breathe a sigh of relief.

“All these carpetbaggers want is the goddamned benediction,” said Pastor Duke Felch of Duluth. “The closing hymn! When is the closing hymn? Doesn’t he know the NCAA tournament begins in an hour? These people may be God’s creations, but preaching the gospel to them is like pissing into the wind.”

With no ringtones blaring, sarcastic shouts of “Hallelujah” from the back, or people eating messy breakfast sandwiches while loudly talking over the pastor’s sermon, regular parishioners felt much more at ease this week. The line for confessionals was also much improved, with the Sacrament of Penance booth only being used as a restroom once.