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Dog’s birthday party way better than owner’s

Standing room in the workplace was scarce Thursday, and the overwhelming number of balloons and streamers made visibility difficult for the massive mob of partygoers celebrating the birthday of Peanut Butter, a 3-year-old mini pinscher. Nearly 50 people attended the workplace birthday bash, showing an intimate and heartfelt love for the popular dog on his special day.

The wild orgy of fun and drunken shenanigans shook the floors and rattled the walls until nearly four in the morning, when police confiscated the well-stocked open bar, arrested all 15 prostitutes hired for the event, and ordered workers to evacuate the office.

The birthday of Bernard Bennigan, Peanut Butter’s owner, was celebrated a few weeks earlier, but was a far more modest affair. Bennigan was greeted at his desk by a single bag of fun sized M&Ms taped inside a greeting card. The card was signed only by his boss.

Scientists discover eight new shapes of poo in Taco Bell restroom

Fast food restrooms have always harbored secrets waiting to be discovered. Fortunately, there are people whose entire job is to find these secrets. In a Taco Bell restroom near Minneapolis, 419 meters above sea level, geological researchers have discovered a small, delicate-looking coil of poo in the shape of a perfect four-leaf clover.

Katherine Houlihan, a scientist with the National Marine Fisheries Service, described the May 2 discovery on the NOAA website:

“As our small team of unfortunate interns were traversing yet another slab of porcelain covered in an unreasonably high amount of sediment, they came across a breathtaking new species. The appearance of this poo coil was unlike any published records and was the richest sample ever found for this element. We were only able to observe and record footage briefly before an obese disabled man thundered into the restroom and rained destruction down upon it, obliterating it forever.”

While most poo is shaped like unpeeled bananas or freshly baked cinnamon rolls, this newly discovered coil shape has never appeared naturally in nature. The new species has been named Houlihan, after the scientist who discovered it.

Social apocalypse begins after celebrity sneezes in public

The world of celebrity gossip and scandal is on fire today after socialite Kylie Jenner sneezed. Jenner’s bizarre personal choice to sneeze in public like a regular person is creating a heated debate throughout the country.

“I don’t know if I like her anymore,” said Todd Flounder of New York. “I thought she was soooooo pretty and way better than me, but now I’m not so sure. I mean, poor people sneeze. Why would I follow someone on Instagram if they’re a normal person? If I want that, I’ll just follow my friend Ronnie, who also posts obnoxious inspirational quotes and sideboob selfies.”

While it’s normal for regular humans to sneeze, scientists are baffled as to why a celebrity would need to do so. Genetically engineered to be better than us, this is the first known record of a celebrity sneezing, burping, coughing or raising their own children.

Police arrest man who doesn’t like Prince

Residents of Folsom Township, MN can rest easy this evening as police have finally apprehended fugitive Rick Dingle, the only known person in the state who doesn’t like Prince. Dingle was arrested on four counts of poor taste in music, two counts of contrarianism, and one count of being a total douchepile.

“Oh, thank God!” said retiree Margaret Patterson. “I’m glad they finally caught him. I just don’t feel safe with someone like that living in our community. I hope that young man gets the help he so desperately needs.”

The trouble began Friday night when Dingle, age 36, was at a bar and didn’t dance to the song “1999”. Other patrons initially excused his faux pas, assuming he was still mourning, but once others overheard Dingle refer to Prince as “That weirdo who dated Carmen Electra”, the police were called. Dingle was beaten unmercifully in a back alley before being thrown in jail without a phone call.

“The long nightmare is over,” said Police Chief Neil Spanx to a cheering crowd outside the capitol. “The one man in Minnesota who doesn’t like Prince, who thinks his singing was too high-pitched, his little mustache was unsettling and the color purple is unflattering, is now dead. I mean in custody! Ha! That’s just a little police humor. We’re doing things by the book, keeping him locked in a cell until he dies of old age. No reason to worry.”

Writing your first parody newspaper

Students are young and need our guidance. When April Fools Day rolls around, it’s important we take the time to speak to them about jokes. As you may know, jokes can be used for good. But did you also know jokes can be used for irreparable evil?

The student journalists at UWS recently found this out the hard way. Here’s some tips to help others who want to write their very own parody newspaper, but don’t want to get beaten to death by an angry mob:

 
• Try not to place the word “Jewish” in the same sentence as the word “fuck”. Especially if it’s the headline.