An angry, wrathful God has unleashed His fury upon the state of Minnesota this week, in apparent retaliation for a new law allowing liquor sales on Sunday. According to sources close to the deity, God is “super pissed” and is “shitting bananas” over the issue.
The Lord and Savior, who surprised everyone by being 388-feet tall, rampaged through downtown Duluth this morning, shaking the foundations of the Radisson Hotel’s revolving restaurant with His fiery kaiju breath. As the revolving sinners burned to ashes, God let out a mighty roar that reduced the entire block to rubble. Recent reviews on TripAdvisor, showing an average score of three out of five stars for the hotel, imply that it wasn’t much of a loss.
God’s loving embrace raged well into the afternoon, when God-nonzilla picked up a three-ton schoolbus full of children and smashed it into Fitger’s Brewery. This brutally wasteful act let loose a tidal wave of complimentary beer. Local alcoholics bravely rescued the children by entering the deadly tsunami and quickly drinking the city’s oatmeal stout levels down to a safe amount.
A recent poll of non-raptured residents shows that 62 percent believe God is “acting like a huge dick about this”, but those close to Him argue that He’s a brilliant, temperamental artist who’s well worth the hassle of His occasional bloodletting.
“What can I say? Sunday is supposed to be His day,” said Hal Sparks, pastor at Westwood Lutheran Church. “If it were Hal’s Day of the week and you spent the whole day ignoring me, drinking yourself silly and wasting hours trying to find legitimate photos of Emma Watson’s nipples on Reddit, I’d feel a little disappointed too. It’s one day, you assholes! One day out of seven, for shit’s sake. Just don’t drink for one day. Why? Because He’s friggin’ God and you sell vacuum cleaners! His rules don’t make sense because He’s an artist! Get a grip and stop armchair quarterbacking your creator.”
On the positive side, tourism to the Twin Ports is at an all-time high as idiots the world over flock to the area in hopes of being smited. There were even celebrity sightings as the entire world gathered to get a glimpse of The Almighty.
The famous trembled as their vengeful, angry God smashed His way through Canal Park, relieved Himself in Lake Superior and reportedly ganked a joint that Paul Bunyan had hidden under a rock at the top of Enger Tower in case he “ran low on the nifties” during trips to the city. While God did not respond to reporters’ questions, He did shout a series of angry things while bashing disbelievers into His loving embrace against their will.
“Jerusalem shall be called the faithful city, and I don’t care if Scarlett Johansson is pretty!” said God, crushing some dope Bible verse rhymes as he picked up Academy Award attendee Scarlett Johansson and chucked her into the boiling depths of the sun.
After six days of brutal destruction, God sat down with Channel 4’s Phart Poupman for an exclusive dish.
“If we’re being honest, didn’t we all want to throw Scarlett Johansson into the sun?” said God, chuckling to himself. “Not to be unholy, but it’s been almost 24 hours since I did it, and I still have no remorse whatsoever. Zero complaints from the general public either. It’s not like when I took out David Bowie. Boy, were there a lot of snowflakes coming out of the woodwork for that one. He was 69 years old and half his organs were just solidified mounds of cocaine. Let me do my job already. Sheesh.”
God also spoke at length about His vengeful ways, and why precious loved ones need to die whenever He feels like it.
“Look, I’m normally a really nice guy,” said God, a pile of corpses burning beneath Him. “All I’m saying is no one gets scared straight because Nice God stopped by and gave everyone a high-five. When people mess up, you have to correct them. That’s why dogs have crates, and it’s why I made it possible for people to be lit on fire. It’s just basic discipline. I’m not Adrian Peterson. This is what normal gods do.”
He also discussed his vacation to the Northland, with a few juicy teases about our own Minnesota Twins!
“You know, with all the blasphemy happening on the coasts, I don’t get out to Minnesota as much as I’d like,” said God. “So I’m gonna take in all the sights. Crush some sinners to death at the Great Lakes Aquarium, head South a bit and smite some sodomites at the Orpheum Theatre. I’d torture some lost souls at Target Field, but it seems that already happens annually all summer long. Right? Ha! Amirite? Yeah, the Twins are just shitty. They’re like a softball team full of old women playing charity games against professional teams. They’ll get really close to a playoff berth in 2375, though.”
Suddenly, a great cheer came from locals protesting outside. A very angry and uncharacteristically sober Paul Bunyan pressed his nose against the outer glass of the newscenter’s windows, motioning for God to step outside.