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Hello, My Name is Dinkles Jenkins and I Would Like to Hooglesmorf Your Foofendorf

Comic Con is chock full of assholes. Chronic masturbators who shower less than Somalian refugees. Unemployed people who got a “professional” badge because they run a blog that studies footage of Yoda’s groin movements to determine his penis length. Twenty-four year old screeching hyenas from the film industry who only come for the booze. Normal families with children. They’re all bastards, the whole filthy lot of them. Bastards who are in your way.

In their normal lives, Comic Con attendees are upstanding citizens who strive to make their communities a better place. But five straight days at this convention has a way of removing the good from people with an almost surgical precision. The quiet, humble schoolteacher, when forced to battle a crowd of thousands to attend a Twin Peaks panel, will quickly become a ferocious Bolshevik with no regard for human life.

It’s important to get in line before it’s too late. Mere seconds matter as if each one were encrusted with diamonds. Woman holding a baby? “Get the fuck out of the way, asshole!” Elderly man with a walking cane? “Quit blocking the aisle, you useless old bag of shit!” Mother Teresa herself could stop to help a leper and 100 people behind her would kick her in the back. “I love Twin Peaks, you dumb twat!” they’d shout angrily. “If I miss it, I’ll come back here and fucking kill you!”

Eleven teens acting like wusses after eating drug-laced gummy bears

Police in Southnorthern Duluth say 11 teenagers were acting like “total narcs” after eating gummy bears laced with THC, the active ingredient in marijuana that makes life worth living. After consuming the product, the dumb amateurs called the police, apparently believing law enforcement could magically make them not high.

“Some idiots apparently ate some edibles,” said Sergeant Nate Copson of the Duluth Police Department. “Then they called us. The police! What a bunch of dipshits! I mean, I get it. If you eat too many edibles, you’re wrecked for days. You’ll just lie around the house all hungover and nauseous. But what the hell are we gonna do? Just take a nap, stupid. Don’t call the cops like some narc. That’s so lame! Calling us is super lame, bro. You’re more likely to die from a fake gluten allergy.”

Sergeant Copson confiscated all the gummy bears, promising to investigate the potency of the bears personally. He also confiscated five boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a family size bag of cheesy popcorn and a Slip n’ Slide waterslide playset from the backyard.

President takes day off, watches Okja

Planning a stress-free day for himself after months of turmoil, President Donald Trump tried to calm himself Sunday with a quiet day of Netflix. Staffers made him popcorn and cued up Okja, an award winning film about a little girl and her adorable super pig.

It didn’t take long for the film to go sour. Around the 30 minute mark, the heartwarming story of a carefree girl and her pig turned surprisingly dark.

“Jesus Christ, they took the little girl’s pig?” said President Trump, visibly angered. “They’re taking the pig to a slaughterhouse? Goddamn liberal vegan propaganda! I don’t wanna see this shit. I don’t wanna learn anything. Just cook the pulled pork and put it in my sandwich, you assholes. Jesus, I hate this fucking movie. It’s so good, though. It’s really good. Fuck, I hate it.”

New healthcare bill requires everyone to poo on each other

In a startling discovery just being noticed by senators who support it, the new GOP health care bill will require all Americans to poo on fellow patients to retain coverage. The act, referred to on page 124 of the bill as a “meadow muffin”, will be a monthly requirement to retain coverage. Millions of protesters blocked all entrances and exits to the capital Monday, forcing senators to actually read the bill before voting on it.

“‘Patients with diabetes will not receive care until they find a more sickly diabetic and drop a meadow muffin on them, preferably without their knowledge and preferably from very high up so the results are more amusing,’” said Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA), reading directly from the health care bill he’s been tirelessly campaigning for the past few weeks. “‘Proof of this act must be submitted to the insurer in the form of a photo wherein both the pooper and the poopee are giving a hearty thumbs up.’ Good Lord. I should really start reading these bills before I support them.”

While it’s widely known that politicians don’t read every bill, most Americans falsely believe their representatives at least read the important and controversial ones. The surprised look on the face of Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL) Monday as he read the more unique requirements of his party’s health care plan showed that belief to be a bit naive.

Community survey: How often do packs of wild millennials ravage your garden and devour your small dogs?

For as long as anyone can remember, people have made fun of millennials. You don’t have jobs. You live with your parents. You love wearing really unattractive eyeglasses. You work eight hours per day as a Lyft driver and then spend an additional four hours streaming professionally on Twitch, and neither of those things are real goddamn jobs you lazy, worthless bastards.

Long story short, old people don’t understand you. They think you watch actual TV channels and use your phone to call people. To help us understand your generation better, please fill out the following condescending survey. Did I say us? I meant them. I’m really cool. Seriously.

1) Historians often describe millennials as listless, sexless drifters who spend all day getting high and playing video games while their dog sleeps in their lap. Sometimes millennials subsist for months at a time only on bowls of hummus. Are these accusations true? If not, then why the hell not? Feel free to use as many expletives as necessary in your answer.

2) Assuming the description in question 1 is correct, is there any way the rest of us could “get in” on this “action”? I work every day and can confirm that it’s a vastly overrated experience.

3) Why do you say “bro” all the time? If James Franco is forcing you to at gunpoint, blink hard twice. I knew it! That fucker!