A groundbreaking new study by researchers in Poland has found that your dog despises you and desperately wants to escape the miniature Guantanamo prison that is your home. The study also found that if you died suddenly, your dog would not only eat you, but would greatly enjoy themselves and have no remorse whatsoever.
According to researchers, your dog knows he’s your slave and prisoner, and actively feels really bummed out about it. This is why your dog sometimes rubs his butt against your mouth while you’re asleep. Your dog also thinks your cologne/perfume is “a bit desperate” and your haircut is “a hot mess that cannot be fixed.” Your dog feels sorry for you and treats you with kindness because the choices you make in your life lead your dog to believe that you have some form of mental illness.
The tremendously accurate study, performed by world-renowned researchers with massively impressive genitalia, is producing a lot of surprising information.
“For centuries, people have believed that a dog wagging its tail is a sign of love and excitement, but that’s not true,” said Lon Sachs, head author of the study. “We found that it’s actually the equivalent of giving you the finger. When you hold a treat up to your dog, their tail wags because they’re cursing at you for being such a dick about it instead of just giving it to them. And they make a fair point.”
The study also found that your dog is absolutely horrified when you walk around the house in various states of lewd undress, your body’s hideous bulges and sacks unkempt and swinging freely about. Your dog has wished to commit suicide many times, but lacks the opposable thumbs to follow through. These failures only increase your dog’s permanent melancholy.
Dogs weren’t the only animals studied. The research also found that your cat thinks you’re a complete asswipe who is slow, needlessly moody and dresses like a clown whore. Your cat also believes America’s economy can only thrive under a brutally violent dictatorship, and is crafting plans to achieve this. Only an addiction to catnip and nightly bareback intercourse with other mangy street cats keeps your cat from carrying out its fascist nightmare.
This part of the study was less controversial because most cat owners are already aware that their cats hold these views.
While your pet bird is too stupid to have rational thoughts, the study did find that the beautiful songs they sing are actually tortured cries for help. In short, birds are supposed to fly and you’re a dick.
The study also found that your pet turtle thinks you’re a lazy pile of shit who needs to get off your ass and achieve something. And your turtle isn’t wrong. What have you really done lately? Anything at all? Did you even leave the house this weekend? Jesus. Get your act together, Dennis.”
The study didn’t stop there in researching your endless failures. It also found that even your fellow human beings think you’re awful. Precisely 98.5 percent of your friends wish you would just be quiet sometimes instead of constantly filling life’s peaceful moments with your inane observations. Your fellow humans also suspect your bad moods and aggression are the result of an undisclosed farting problem, and that’s why you’re so secretive about personal packages (filled with fart medicine!) that arrive for you at work.
One anonymous friend of yours summed it up quite nicely:
“The person reading this column right now is a rubbery old twat,” said your closest friend, whom you naively thought liked you. “They’re a real moon-faced goon! Their hands always smell like the sandwich they ate for lunch and their personality is as sparkling as a pile of corpses leftover from a genocide.”
Other friends reported that your hair doesn’t have a natural shine and bounce to it, like more attractive friends of theirs.
“It’s safe to say that the person reading this sentence right now is simply awful,” said Stephen Hawking, a certified genius whose intelligence is fully vetted by every measure the human race has to record such things. “My studies are conclusive. This person reading this column is not useful to society, and can be replaced at a moment’s notice with no measurable effects to the universe. Not only would we survive without the person reading this column, we’d thrive and become better than ever before.”
While your pets are unable to speak English, they all reportedly nodded in quiet agreement with Hawking’s comment. Sachs is also on board with the theory.
“There are no guarantees of right or wrong in science, but one thing is clear,” said Sachs. “You’re the biggest douche within 2,000 square miles of your home, and your pets absolutely hate you.”