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European Union really slutting it up after breakup

Less than one week after the United Kingdom’s difficult breakup with the European Union, the EU has been spotted painting the town with every whorish country bordering their region. The EU claims it’s just “living its life” and having a good time, while the UK believes they’re being a total skank.

“It just seems really rude for them to get back out there so quickly,” said England, biting its lip and avoiding direct eye contact. “I know I’m the one who initiated the breakup, but shouldn’t the EU at least pretend to be sad for a while? Isn’t that the courtesy? I mean, going out with goddamn Norway? That bitch’s borders have been spread wide open for years! Every Schengen slut in the region has busted a nut in Norway. I’m not jealous, it’s just gross.”

England then attempted to laugh, but produced more of a sniffling whimper.

“It’s allergy season, that’s why my eyes are watering so much,” said England, pulling a compact out to check its face. “I really hate this time of year. So many pollens. Oh God! Excuse me while I go freshen up.”

Nation’s drunks change excuse from basketball to baseball

The NBA season has ended, and the nation’s alcoholics are scrambling to find a new excuse to be drunk and belligerent. Football season has always been the crown jewel of obnoxious inebriates everywhere, but summer sports are more lacking in testosterone, making the excuses for punting one’s dog across the yard or having angry shouting matches with girlfriends outside bars far less enjoyable.

Baseball has always been the chosen sport to complement the professional alcoholic’s flaccid summer months, but the length of the games and slow pace of the action makes drunkards drowsy, leading to fewer incidents of cats being thrown against walls or children being angrily shouted at for routine behavior. With the national average for drunken beatings plummeting three years in a row, the group is considering other sports.

Man uses national tragedy as excuse for eating at Denny’s

Mere hours after the largest mass shooting in America’s history, the nation was once again shocked into disbelief by another brutal tragedy. Rumors surfaced this morning that local man Travin Omar has used the tragedy as an excuse for eating at a Denny’s restaurant.

“The brutal massacre in Orlando has been so rough for everyone,” said Omar. “I just can’t believe something like this can still happen in America with such regularity. I’m so depressed at how this country continues to do nothing, no matter how many deaths occur or how frequently. No mental health reform, no consequences for the parents, and you can’t even think about gun control without starting a civil war. I was so bummed this morning that I just said fuck it, I’m gonna eat at Denny’s.”

Fitness instructor really just escaped mental patient

Crossfit Pilates Ass Kickers Thunderdome Yoga Gym is apologizing to customers after a police raid resulted in the arrest of 37 of their fitness instructors and personal trainers. Police claim the popular instructors – renowned for their intensity and motivation skills – are actually just escaped mental patients who would be completely unemployable in any other profession.

“You’d think people would stay away from personal trainers known for humiliating and berating their clients, but it seems that reputation only makes them more wildly successful,” said Sergeant Tom Chadwick. “It’s almost as if people who are obsessed with health and fitness are a bit deranged themselves.”

Recent studies show that nearly 98 percent of personal trainers are violent demented masochists, much in the same way that most clergy members are casual supporters of pedophilia and most police officers think African Americans are holding a gun.

Police are cracking down on fitness centers throughout the city after a shocking incident last week in which one instructor fed a 32-year-old woman to a live tiger as punishment for eating a dry bagel for breakfast. The trainer’s lawyer argues that his client, who is very serious about carbs, was merely doing his job and the victim “is now much thinner than before, as promised.”

Customers of the gym seemed oddly unfazed by the news.

Miss Manners: Your daughter pooping in the microwave might affect your taxes

By Judith Martin

 
Dear Miss Manners,
My daughter has general anxiety, social anxiety, double secret probation anxiety, bipolar disorder, Tourette syndrome and a labia that extends to her knees. She also poops her pants whenever I use the microwave. With this information in mind, should I itemize my taxes or just take the standard deduction?

If Miss Manners has made sure of one thing in her 137 years of writing this column, it’s that she never cleans up diarrhea unless she’s getting paid for it. So definitely itemize your taxes.

 
Dear Miss Manners,
My 18-year-old son only wants to get high and play video games all day. What should I do?

Miss Manners doesn’t believe you’re giving her the full story. She’s pretty sure your son also spends an unreasonable amount of time pleasuring himself to Game of Thrones episodes. Regardless, it’s important that you kill your son. This is the only way to show him that what he’s doing is unhealthy. Once he’s dead, he’ll realize that he wasted his life and the problem will solve itself. At his funeral, make sure to use his open casket as an ashtray to ensure the point gets driven home.