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Community survey: How often do packs of wild millennials ravage your garden and devour your small dogs?

For as long as anyone can remember, people have made fun of millennials. You don’t have jobs. You live with your parents. You love wearing really unattractive eyeglasses. You work eight hours per day as a Lyft driver and then spend an additional four hours streaming professionally on Twitch, and neither of those things are real goddamn jobs you lazy, worthless bastards.

Long story short, old people don’t understand you. They think you watch actual TV channels and use your phone to call people. To help us understand your generation better, please fill out the following condescending survey. Did I say us? I meant them. I’m really cool. Seriously.

1) Historians often describe millennials as listless, sexless drifters who spend all day getting high and playing video games while their dog sleeps in their lap. Sometimes millennials subsist for months at a time only on bowls of hummus. Are these accusations true? If not, then why the hell not? Feel free to use as many expletives as necessary in your answer.

2) Assuming the description in question 1 is correct, is there any way the rest of us could “get in” on this “action”? I work every day and can confirm that it’s a vastly overrated experience.

3) Why do you say “bro” all the time? If James Franco is forcing you to at gunpoint, blink hard twice. I knew it! That fucker!

I got all these Adam West underpants for sale

Hey there pal, do you have a minute? It’s just that I have all these underpants with Adam West’s face on them and, coincidentally, he is now dead. Also coincidentally, I am selling these Adam West underpants for $350 each. For every sale, a portion of the licensing fees I did not pay would have gone toward Adam West’s personal bank account.

You want red underpants? I’ve got red underpants. You want blue ones? Join the club, that’s standard Batman underpants coloring! Of course we have those! We have everything! Yellow, black, white, orange? Jump on this underpants train before it leaves Booty Station! Do you want plaid underpants? Well fuck off. I don’t have plaid. That’s just ridiculous. I’m selling things I found in a dumpster. Don’t be so particular.

But seriously, I do have many, many underoos and Adam West is very, very dead. These two facts are not a coincidence. I’m not one who normally believes in fate, but I once got laid after sitting through the film “Love Always”, so fate is an idea I associate with very positively. Some might say I’m an expert on fate. Want proof? Look at all these goddamn Adam West underpants in my house! He croaked for a reason! I’m about to be richer than Dan Hanger!

I don’t want to suggest that Adam West died so I could sell you these underpants, but he did and I am. The planets have aligned, Adam West is being eaten by the secret mole people who inhabit the lands beneath us, and I’ve got buttloads of underpants with his face on them just waiting for their forever home. Adopt these butt covers ASAP!

New Wonder Woman film chock full of family fun, man nipples

The new Wonder Woman film begins typically enough. A smelly 700-foot-tall walrus has wandered into the city. As walruses are known to do, it immediately begins robbing liquor stores. The camera slowly pulls back to reveal that Wonder Woman is already on the scene! Chris Pine gives the performance of a lifetime as the Amazonian princess, bludgeoning the walrus to death and using the meat to make southwestern style sandwiches for everyone.

Pine’s subtlety as Wonder Woman is a breath of fresh air. Gone are the days of elaborate superhero outfits with giant floppy Lynda Carter boobs that just get in the way of the action. Pine’s sleek, flat-chested form and understated commoner attire allows his Wonder Woman to be more aerodynamic and relatable. Whether he’s punching Nazis, running over Nazis with a motorcycle or arguing on the phone with a Nazi internet service provider who simply will not remove the installation fee, Pine’s modest, proportional breasts provide a fresh, innovative Wonder Woman experience.

Plain-looking Israeli model Gal Gadot does well as hapless sidekick Steve Trevor. Her outfit provides the film’s only downside, with her gaudy red armor, gold with red star headband and golden lasso looking a bit elaborate for a sidekick. Fortunately, Pine’s seasonally-colored turtleneck sweater makes it clear which character is truly wondrous.

Report: It’s almost June and you haven’t done crap yet

The latest report is in and it strongly confirms what the entire nation has feared: that you personally are a lazy piece of shit. It’s nearly June and you’ve accomplished nothing this year, gone nowhere and achieved little beyond drinking yourself to sleep while watching old episodes of Frasier. The nation is utterly disappointed in you.

You spent all of January meticulously planning a workout regimen you never used. February was spent plotting against your significant other to protect the prime placement of your He-Man collectibles in the den. March was five degrees chillier than normal so you completely stopped functioning that month. April and May were spent worrying about how you’ve done nothing this year. At least you know.

Each day you coast through work, get super high before dinner and then spend the rest of the evening watching movie trailers on YouTube while daydreaming that you made them and are revealing them at a special screening for all the people you hate. This sad routine allows you to pay your rent, but does not constitute any actual accomplishments.

Your guide to Fidget Spinners, a stupid thing no one will care about in six months

What are fidget spinners?
Remember back when you had a flip phone, and it was kinda fun to flip it open and closed over and over again, and you’d have to remind yourself to stop doing it so much because you were afraid you’d become one of those weird guys at the bus station who makes little noises for no reason? Fidget spinners serve the same function. They give high-functioning mentally ill people a calming bit of busywork to focus on so they don’t physically attack others.

Seriously, what is this shit? I can’t Google it! I’m under 30 and intimidated by large uninterrupted paragraphs of text!
Fidget spinners are small mechanical devices with multiple paddle-shaped blades attached to a central core. Flick the blades with your finger and they spin. They’re collectible, and great entertainment for spaz kids and adults who must touch a doorknob exactly seven times before exiting a room.

Collectible? So it’s like pogs that actually do something?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pogs are cool! There is subtle craftwork to these misunderstood works of art. For example, the 1994 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Power Pog Pack has a simplistic “I spent four years studying graphic design and I don’t give a shit about this humiliating pog assignment, so here’s character artwork on a plain yellow background” style of punk rock credibility that is a feast for the eyes once the mind has been enlightened to its rich backstory.