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Dog lightly snoring while sprawled out in sunbeam elected US Senator

Not since JFK has America elected a candidate based solely on their attractiveness, but Minnesota’s newest senator may be handsome enough to break the entire mold of modern politicians.

An adorable puppy lightly snoring while sprawled out in a sunbeam has won the hearts of registered voters in Minnesota, and without being accused of a single sexual assault charge! Men and women alike seem drawn to the newest, warmest, softest US senator who recently had a bath and meekly licks your face when disturbed from his sunlit slumber.

Lightly snoring dog sprawled out in a sunbeam is replacing former senator Al Franken, who was thrown out of office like the disgusting piece of trash he is after it was discovered that he thrust his tongue down a woman’s throat without permission in 2006 and grabbed another woman’s buttcheeks at the state fair in 2010. Voters claim the dog is better trained than Franken.

Thanksgiving day entertainment ideas

1) Watch Ernest Saves Christmas for the one thousandth time because you’re stuck in your parents’ house and it’s either this or stare at a blank wall for the next 96 hours. There’s no booze and their dog keeps trying to rub his butt on you and it keeps leaving a mark on your jeans and all there is to do is eat and make small talk with your weird deadbeat uncle who collects Garfield stuffed animals and eat and die a little more inside and then eat.

2) Buy a mediocre joint off your weird uncle and watch the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV. Imagine what each balloon would look like with giant genitalia dragging behind it, crushing anyone who dared enter its path. Thousands would perish under its deadly weight, refusing to believe that a giant dong was about to crush their home. They would be sorry later, when the brutal carnage was far too late to fix.

3) Maybe anarchy is the answer? Four days of living with your parents can drive a person to such things. If you have to endure this, why doesn’t everyone? Maybe all those dumb feelings you’ve had of being left behind over the years were right. The world will feel your wrath! If you have to suffer, so does everyone else! Anarchy! Burn society’s constructs to the ground and start over! From now on everyone stands in line for their weekly loaf of bread and bag of fresh fucks to give! One bag per person, no flipping!

How to make people dumber without even trying

Recruiter: Hello, welcome to the University of Wisconsin-Superior! Would you like an English degree?

Student: What?

Recruiter: I’m better than I’ve ever been! Thanks for asking! How many English degrees can I put you down for? Seven?

Student: Uh, let’s start with none.

Recruiter: The holidays are quickly approaching. Do you have any relatives or friends lacking an English degree? Sign them up now and get this free English degree promotional t-shirt!

Student: I’m here to study journalism, not English.

Recruiter: Great! Not to worry, we have you covered. You’ll have a lot of options in journalism with our English degree! Just sign here.

Mrs. Fields Cookies chooses ejaculating robot as new logo

Desperate for customers in an increasingly anti-cookie world, Mrs. Agnes Butthole-Fields, the great granddaughter of company founder Mrs. Gertrude Butthole-Fields, has chosen to rebrand her iconic Mrs Fields cookie dynasty. Their innovative choice of new logos has some questioning whether catering to millennials is more important than community standards for decency.

Unleashing their new logo in front of a crowd of thousands, Mrs. Fields herself pulled back the tarp to reveal a 25-foot statue of a logo that could only be described as a robot aggressively ejaculating onto another robot’s face. Mrs. Fields’ new logo is not the least bit abstract nor open to interpretation. It very specifically shows the grisly moment in which a very exhausted and oily robot, having bested his rival, moves to humiliate him as a final mark of superiority that will be forever immortalized in artwork and songs throughout all future robot generations.

“Dogs often hump others as a show of dominance, but robots are generally not programmed that way outside of Thailand,” said Dr. Lacey Fahts, a world-renowned behavioral specialist. “The logo is scientifically and anatomically correct. The engineering behind the curvature of the robot penis and its payload trajectory are superb. It just seems unlikely that robots with virtually unlimited computing potential would choose such a curious way of determining rank.”

Bastard parents arrested for sophisticated candy theft ring

Nearly 77.3 million parents are under suspicion this week in the bust of a candy theft ring many are calling a nationwide conspiracy. Children who silently endured these delicious, creamy, nougat-filled lies are finally speaking out.

“This has been going on for years,” said Molly Shawn, age 4. “I thought the so-called Halloween candy ‘tax’ was a law. They told me it was a real law! I’ve been blindly handing over my best loot for years and almost everything these blithering cunts told me has been a bald-faced lie to help them steal my candy!”

Parents impersonated numerous government officials over the years, from made-up “candy inspectors” of various ranks and departments to bogus “quality assurance testers” that seemed to be testing candy that had already passed FDA approval as well as independent testing years prior.

Defense attorney Scott Lars Poon said the extra safety checks are valid because it’s better to be safe than sorry.

“Look, I don’t want my dumb kid to die because he’s a stupid idiot,” said Poon, his mouth covered in melted chocolate. “What’s wrong with checking candy twice? It’s candy given to a child by a stranger. We can’t be extra safe? We need these extra candy inspections to safeguard the top-shelf stuff! Ain’t nobody gonna poison a Tootsie Roll! That landfill fodder will sit around for decades before anyone eats it. These selfish kids need to check their privilege.”