How much did you spend on Christmas presents this year? Over $200 (generous) $150-$200 (good) $100-$150 (adequate) $50-$100 (crappy) Less than $50 (cheapskate) I don't celebrate Christmas (possible terrorist)   see results discuss in forum

Christmas is only 10 days away. What is your response? Holy crap! I'm screwed!! Thank God, it's almost over Uh oh. Does this mean we missed Hannukah again? Ugh. We're the worst Jewish family EVER Wow. In eight days, I'll have to start looking for gifts (this selection for men only) Who cares?   see results discuss in forum

What's Paul's hair made of? Hair Toupee Nerf foam Just For Men styling clay   see results discuss in forum

Which is worse? Brut cologne Old Spice cologne The smell of a hobo   see results discuss in forum

Who should Michael Jackson molest next? Haley Joel Osment Lil' Bow Wow That kid from the movie "Jerry McGuire" Frankie Muniz An adult midget, because they look young and are legal in all 50 states Other (post in comments)   see results discuss in forum

Who would win in bareknuckle boxing? MC Hammer or Grimace (the purple McDonald's dude)? MC Hammer Grimace   see results discuss in forum

Do you think Paul's really like he is in his columns, or is that just his humorous writer's persona? That's how he really is That's just his writer's persona   see results discuss in forum

Why is your grandma such a whore? Because she sleeps with a lot of men. Duh That's just what girls did back in her day She started watching "Sex in the City", and takes it way too literally She looked up the word "orgasm" in the dictionary, and realized girls are supposed to have them too Because she's dead, and the mortician at the graveyard is a necrophiliac Stop bothering me! Can't you see I'm trying to have sex with my grandma??   see results discuss in forum

What's the best euphemism for "I hurt my penis"? Broke my wiener Danged my wang Wronged my dong Dropped my burrito and stepped on it with golfing cleats Pulled a eunuch This is disgusting, and I refuse to answer   see results discuss in forum

If you could hide anything in your desk at work, what would it be? Booze A nice cigar Two-ply toilet paper Weapons A television An inflatable version of you that would fool the boss so you could go home   see results discuss in forum

Paul is the lamest guy ever. What is the lamest thing about Paul? He's boring He never talks except to make lame jokes He's doesn't know anything He always has a dumbass look on his face He "ain't got no moves" All of the above Other (list in comments section)   see results discuss in forum

Who has the largest head? Paul Ryan Alfred E. Newman Conan O' Brien Colin Quinn Other (name person in comments section)   see results discuss in forum

How's the Daily Ramblings Crapalog? Great! Good Fair Poor It sucks!   see results discuss in forum

Which would you rather fornicate with? Corey Feldman Corey Haim A dead tree stump   see results discuss in forum

1950s education video question: Jenni parks in cars with lots of different boys. Is Jenny popular? Yes No   see results discuss in forum

If x=6 and y=3, what does z equal? 6 9 69 Go fuck yourself Screw this, I'm getting a beer I have a dog. His name is Marv. He likes to eat mangos at the beach. Sometimes, he smells funny.   see results discuss in forum

What's the best Labor Day food? Steak Burgers Hot Dogs Human Flesh Beer   see results discuss in forum

What is currently the most overused "cool word"? Asshat Hella Bling-bling Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane Boo Dude Phat Other lame word not listed here (post in comments)   see results discuss in forum

What is Tara Reid's best movie? American Pie Josie and the Pussycats Return of Deepthroat Slopmasters Slopmania 4 Gangbang Girls #42   see results discuss in forum

Where does all that poo go? In our drinking water In our lakes In a big poo factory in Delaware Back in our toilets, 'cause we used too much paper   see results discuss in forum

What's the best thing about women's tennis? The grunting The moaning Anna Kournikova Seeing women playing with balls The way it puts me to sleep so quickly   see results discuss in forum

What did you do this weekend? Nothing (watched television/masturbated) Dreaded going back to work on Monday Ate at Olive Garden, wished for death Broke own record for longest hangover Tried to avoid eye contact with family members I don't remember   see results discuss in forum

Why do you hate Paul? His arrogance His whining His rugged good looks and fine bottom His liberal rants His tendency to be an asshole The fact that he strips for money in retirement homes and junior high schools   see results discuss in forum

How the hell did you find this site? Search engine Friend recommended it Saw a banner or text ad Found the XML feed somewhere Paul kept harrassing me to come here   see results discuss in forum

What's your favorite crappy beer? Premium Pabst Blue Ribbon Hamm's Camo 24 XXXXX Assorted malt liquor   see results discuss in forum

What is the equivalent of your monthly income? Porsche 911 Round-trip flight to Tahiti Cable TV and generic food items "Celebrity lunch with Gary Busey", purchased on E-bay Pack of smokes and vending machine condoms   see results discuss in forum

Who would do the best Paul Ryan impersonation? Bobby Flay (TV chef) Burt Reynolds A drunk homeless person sleeping in a dumpster Paul Ryan himself see results discuss in forum

Good morning! What type of cracker would you prefer for eating purposes? A Triscuit cracker A Saltine cracker A graham cracker An animal cracker Gimme a beer instead see results discuss in forum

What substances do you abuse to get you through each day? Alcohol Pot Cocaine Crack Smack Speed Meth Ecstasy LSD PCP Opium Nyquil overdose Valium Tranquilizers Codeine Paint thinner Alcohol swab suckin' Glue sniffin' All of the above see results discuss in forum

How many people who visit this website are disgusting perverts? Everyone Almost everyone Not many Just Paul see results discuss in forum

Who's your favorite Goonie? Mikey (Sean Astin) Brand (Josh Brolin) Chunk (Jeff Cohen) Mouth (Corey Feldman) Andy (Kerri Green) Stef (Martha Plimpton) Data (Jonathan Ke Quan) Sloth (John Matuszak) see results discuss in forum

What does your roommate do while you're asleep? Rearranges everything in the house in an obsessive-compulsive manner Farts really loudly, and resists the urge to wake you up and tell you how funny it was Masturbates to porn with the sound off Snorts cocaine and plans own death Tries to get some on Yahoo Chat Poops in your mouth see results discuss in forum

Would you like to see the comic "Mr. Cornelius Watercloset" printed on this site more often? If so, how often? Yes, every day Yes, every other day Yes, twice a week No, once a week is good see results discuss in forum

Why was Daily Ramblings not nominated for a Webby Award? Because Paul uses too many dirty jokes Because Paul's not funny Because Webby Awards are stupid Because the same websites are nominated every year Because poop humor is dead Who the hell cares about Webby Awards? see results discuss in forum

How was guest column week? Great Good Fair Poor Eating poop would have been more fun see results discuss in forum

What is Paul REALLY doing with his week off from writing columns? Finding some other way to completely waste his life Downloading porn Adding to the 100 gigs of illegal software he already has Drinking Driving around La Crosse, yelling "booooooooobies!" at random people Absolutely nothing see results discuss in forum

What parts of this website do you use/enjoy? Ramblings column Perverted Poll Comic Strip Wednesday Music Spotlight Thursday Surprise Friday Drink Recipe Forum Chat Room (link at bottom of forum) RSS Newsreader Feed see results discuss in forum

Which road will YOU take? The road for losers The road for Weird Al Yankovic fans see results discuss in forum

Who provides the most unbiased TV news coverage of the war? NBC ABC CBS CNN FOX News BBC Late Show with David Letterman see results discuss in forum

When will Paul flip out, pack up everything and move somewhere warm? Next week Next month May of 2004 Saturday, September 27, the Jewish New Year The sweet, unforgettable summer of 2047 Never, because his hair smells like coleslaw see results discuss in forum

What is stuck in Paul's eye? A speck of dust A tube sock A ripe cucumber Ted Danson The deep pain of justice Nothing, not even his eyeball see results discuss in forum

What is the best remedy for a cold or stomach bug? Warm chicken soup Cold chicken soup A lap dance Lots of rest, and reruns of "Three's Company" Self-induced vomiting Herbal tea and yoga and work-mandated sensitivity training see results discuss in forum

What are you spending your tax refund on this year? Porn Booze Fancy electronics I don't need Toys to distract my bratty children Daily Ramblings Mall merchandise see results discuss in forum

Paul has a week off starting Wednesday. What should he do and then write a column about? Gambling night at the casino Watching Jerry Springer in his boxers See how many movies he can watch in the theater before they catch him and throw him out Prank call his boss see results discuss in forum

Who's your valentine this year? For those who dig fellas: Paul Ryan Ted Nugent For those who dig ladies: Oprah This chick I bang every so often see results discuss in forum

Are the waiters at TGI Friday's inherently evil? Yes No see results discuss in forum

Which monumental singer/band will be playing in La Crosse, WI soon? Sum 41 Alicia Keys Britney Spears Styx James Brown see results discuss in forum

Martin Luther King Jr. is a national hero and legend. Do you think he had a hairy back? Yes No You're despicable see results discuss in forum

Paul is too lazy to make up a question today. What should be done to Paul as punishment? Suspend his driver's license Take away his subscription to Amazing Tales magazine Urinate in his orange juice Non-tax deductible $8.34 fine Make him hang out with Russell Crowe for a day Sit on his head and fart multiple times Make George W. Bush president again Run over his groin with a moped Kill him, and mount him on the front of your car see results discuss in forum

The weather outside is ___________, but the fire is so ___________. frightful; delightful shitty; shitty also pleasant; unnecessary fear-mongering; mildly-distracting I don't give a rat's ass see results discuss in forum

Paul is too lazy to make up a question today. What should be done to Paul as punishment? Suspend his driver's license Take away his subscription to Amazing Tales magazine Urinate in his orange juice Non-tax deductible $8.34 fine Make him hang out with Russell Crowe for a day Sit on his head and fart multiple times Make George W. Bush president again Run over his groin with a moped Kill him, and mount him on the front of your car see results discuss in forum

What is the best song ever? "Walking on Sunshine", by Katrina and the Waves "Sunshine on my Shoulder", by John Denver Anything by the goddamn Eagles "Afternoon Delight", by Starland Vocal Band "Wake me up Before you Go Go" by Wham! see results discuss in forum

What's easier, and therefore better? Watching TV Sleeping Ogling fine ladies Reading this website on company time Laying on the carpet for two hours because you can see results discuss in forum

What would Paul have to give you to make you write a guest column for this website? Nothing; I'd do it for free A copy of "Leonard Part Six" A free item from the Daily Ramblings Store Something better than the previous items I'd never write a guest column I already wrote a guest column see results discuss in forum

Who is most likely to be Paul's kid? Emanuel Lewis (Webster) Theo (Cosby Show) Milhouse (Simpsons) Kelly Osbourne (fat cow) Fez (That 70s Show) see results discuss in forum

Are you "keepin' it real"? Yes No Go away, you lousy MTV VJ Go away, you lousy MTV VJ from 1993 I love Kurt Loder see results discuss in forum

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? In a port-a-potty, squatting over the toilet seat At home, watching "Antiques Roadshow" In San Diego; and yes she knows what a cliche that is In a Red Lobster, vomiting In my pants see results discuss in forum

What should we do to Tom Brokaw? Kill him painlessly (poisoning) Kill him, but make him suffer (metal spork stab wounds) Give him some cookies and a warm glass of milk, then tell him to get the hell out of our country Shove all his "greatest generation" books, which are nearly identical, up his ass and throw him into the ocean I'm a fascist! I like Tom Brokaw! see results discuss in forum

Where did I put my weiner? In the toaster In my mouth In a two-day express package to bootytown In the electric pencil sharpener In the cat see results discuss in forum

Why does Paul want to be president? So he won't have to do anything So he can shock America by banging his shoe against a desk and screaming "We will bury you!" So he can get a luxury apartment in Manhatten for free So he can bomb countries for the fun of it So he can get Alzheimer's and be completely brain dead during his second term see results comment on poll

When will Abercrombie and Fitch feature Daily Ramblings in one of their catalogs? When hell freezes over When Paul starts dating one of their models (never) When Paul is able to work full-time as a columnist (never) By the summer of 2004 When a random fan who works for them slips in the link without their boss noticing see results comment on poll

Analogy test: kitten is to cat, as puppy is to ______. Chelsea Clinton A different cat George Michael in a public restroom A dirty squeezebox that everyone can play Lunch see results discuss in forum

Do you like the new layout and features? It's great, like penicillin! It's better, but Paul's still ugly It's average, like Alec Baldwin's acting It's worse, and Paul's even uglier Ugh! Why don't you just poop in my mouth when I'm asleep? see results discuss in forum

What is your dream feature for Dailyramblings.com? Uncle Phil toilet paper Nude celebrity intern Larisa Oleynik "Win your very own pony" contest Monthly mass beating of Paul on webcam "Free Fruit of the Loom Underwear for a year" contest see results discuss in forum

What's the best use for a cow? Eatin' Milkin' Ridin' Kissin' Humpin' Tippin' see results discuss in forum

What is Paul like on Monday mornings? Happily working at his desk, humming a gay tune in the process Crumpled upon his desk like a broken man, trying desperately to get through the day without slitting his wrists Walking around the office without pants on, making prank calls to the mayor and the sheriff Paul quit his job and is at Valleyfair, sitting in the front seats on all the cool rides and having the time of his life see results discuss in forum

Where is Paul allowed to touch you? Chest Groin Buttocks None of the above see results discuss in forum

What did you do, or are you doing, on Labor Day? Drinking booze Working Having earth-moving sex Sitting on your ass Hanging asinine shit in your dorm room see results discuss in forum

Which would you rather have? A month with pay where you don't have to do anything $1,500 to go towards paying off your debt A foosball table and two cases of good beer A date with someone who doesn't look like you in a wig A nightgown worn by Rosie O' Donnell see results discuss in forum

If you could be anywhere in the entire world right now, where would you be? Hoboken, New Jersey Superior, Wisconsin Norman, Oklahoma see results discuss in forum

What's closest to your bathroom style? Pee on the seat person Pee on the floor person Poop on the floor person Poop in the sink person Vomit in the bathtub person Pass out next to toilet person see results discuss in forum

Will Paul's DSL line finally be fixed on Monday? Yes No, it'll take another week No, it'll take another month No, the old building he lives in will be the problem No, and CenturyTel will pay dearly see results discuss in forum

Is Paul cool enough to have Dominique Moceanu respond to his e-mail? Yes (my name is Paul Ryan) Yes (my name is not Paul Ryan) No, Paul's a dweeb No, she's too hot to respond to ugly Paul No, not if she reads Monday's column about her see results discuss in forum

Who's hotter, Paul Ryan or Bette Midler? Paul Ryan Bette Midler "Egon" from the movie "Ghostbusters" (This poll's special guest) see results discuss on messageboard

What type of Ramblings reader are you:? Obsessive-compulsive "must read Ramblings every day" reader "Get in trouble from reading Ramblings and laughing in cubicle at work" reader Casual "visits once a week" reader Psychotic stalker reader who wishes to hunt Paul like an animal Non-reader; just comes here for occasional booby pictures see results discuss this question

How much poop is too much poop? poop Poop! POOP! POOOOOOOOOOOOOP! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!! see results discuss this question

If Paul were a muppet, which one would he be? Kermit Fozzie Gonzo Animal The Swedish Chef That Stupid Dog see results discuss this question

Should Paul go to Summerfest in Milwaukee? Yes, he could write columns on the world-famous music festival Yes, he should get away and do something No, it costs too much No, he should just relax at home instead of driving 4 hours each way see results discuss this question

What should Paul be when he grows up? A journalist An actor A marine biologist A jizz mopper An abusive monkey trainer see results discuss this question

What is Paul's pet name for his printer? lousy piece of shit goddamn fucking suckhole ugly, fat whore machine snookums see results discuss this question

What are the main similarities between Paul and a block of wood? Both have roughly the same conversation skills Both could be employed as a means to stir Kool-Aid Neither of them can dance Both are offended that they would be compared to the other see results discuss this question

What's in French Stewart's ass right now? His fist Both his fists A 12" dildo Nothing; his date isn't until tomorrow night see results

Where's my jeans? In the tree outside your window On your head, with the fly open so you can see where you're walking In the laundry basket, 'cause you spilled lasagna on them You're wearing them, you stupid fudgepacker In Hoboken, NJ, picking up chicks Your mom is taking them out of the dryer and folding them for you so they don't wrinkle, sweetie see results

What's the best name for a puppet? Smelly Frank Beaver the Crackwhore Flynt the Pimp Monkey Ugly Carl see results

Which website is the funniest on the web? Paul's Super Happy Fun Page Carl's Super Unhappy Mediocre Page Phil's Virtual Toothless Hooker Interactive Page The Duluth News Tribune see results

Does this website make my ass look fat? Yes No No, your fat ass makes your ass look fat Yes, but don't feel bad, your mother's is fat too see results

Would you beat up a senior citizen for a six-pack of Old Milwaukee? Yes No see results

Where was mom last night? Cast your vote Ordering vials of crack off E-bay Starring in a hermaphroditic porn video Sucking dad off while humming the "Star-spangled banner" Masturbating to a picture of you Winning first prize in the "ugly fat bitch" contest see results

If you had a gun, where would you shoot Paul? Cast your vote In the heart In the head In the nuts In the ass In the leg Up his peehole see results

Which do you prefer? Cast your vote Boxers Briefs Nothing A codpiece see results

Who smells the worst? Cast your vote Paul Ryan Tom Heuer Ani Difranco's armpits Todd's butthole see results

Who has the biggest asshole? Cast your vote Rosie O'Donnell Alf George Michael Jennifer Love Hewitt see results

Who let the dogs out? Go fuck yourself Me You Marvin Gaye Ted Koppel Hitler see results

What do you think of the new frames layout? It's easier to use It's looks better It's a pain to use It looks worse It's hard to find things I like the new style I'd like it switched back to the old style see results

What do you want for Christmas? Booty calls Money A sack of shit Other see results

Do you like the yellow or silver background on this poll question? Silver (the current color) Yellow (color we've used before) see results

What size bra does Paul's grandmother wear? 34DD see results

Who the fuck are you? Bill fucking Brasky! I'm your mother, don't fucking talk to me that way! Beats me, I'm stoned A big slut A big slut who sent her name and phone number to your e-mail address Who fucking cares? see results

How many freshmen girls had sex with Paul this year? None 1 2 3+ I'm a cute freshman girl, take me! Paul has no genetalia "genetalia" was spelled wrong see results

Who farts the most? Kirk Cameron Heather Parish Don Juan Fartoon Paul Ryan me (meaning you) Rick Sutcliffe see results

What is UWS? A really good school (ignorant moron...) a pile of shit school a glorified community college a high school with ash trays a good school, but with moronic people who belong in a community college see results

Who would you most like to see masturbate? John Marder Janet Reno Abraham Lincoln Mama Cass Hitler Huey Lewis and his mother see results

Who is the coolest Burt ever? Burt Reynolds Burt Bacharach Burt (from Sesame Street) Eddie Murray, Orioles first baseman see results

What do you think should be done with John Marder, UWS professor? Keep him Fire him see results

What should I change my monthly column's name to? Dr. Roboto's "$.30 off shake n' bake column o' fun Guess what? Shut up! Red shoe diaries Paul's time of the month Proof of why you shouldn't drink Lysol during pregnancy Keep with "Ramblings" see results

Girls-- give your b.j. rating! Swallow Spit I refuse to give b.j.'s I'm a man see results

Who is more gay? Abe Lincoln Burt Blyleven George Washington Mr. Peepers see results

Who do you hate the most? John Ritter Tony Danza Tom Arnold Scott Baio see results

If you were alone in a room with Britney Spears for five minutes, what would you do? violently beat her sit on her face and break wind make her listen to Pantera shoot it in her hair shoot it in her eye see results

Where would you like to punch Regis Philbin? In the face In the stomach In the balls see results

Do you like sex? Yes No see results

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