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Classic Columns

Sam Cook detained after office burglary

Five men, one a high-ranking columnist for the Duluth News-Tribune, were arrested Friday in what authorities described as an elaborate plot to alter votes for the Duluth Reader’s annual Best of the Northland awards. Police apprehended the suspects at 2:30am Friday in the Reader offices.

Three of the men were native-born Cubans and another was said to have trained Cuban exiles for guerrilla activity after the Bay of Pigs invasion. The fifth man was famed News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook, age 97, who has won the Reader’s “Best Columnist” award for the past 73 years.

There was no immediate explanation of why the suspects would want to alter the awards, which are essentially meaningless and don’t even help the winners get laid. Police chief Frank Willis said the only logical motive is Cook’s trophy lust.

“I guess he just has a massive ego that will never be fully satisfied by any amount of praise,” said Willis, speaking about Cook, not second place columnist Paul Ryan. “I’ll bet his mind is filled with all sorts of figmental rage. Every award loss and negative comment from a stranger on the internet just piles up inside him like crusty old turds, these inconsequential slights festering and building in his mind until he can’t take it anymore and wrongfully lashes out at everyone in the community through the crude jokes and unnecessary cursing that have now become standard fare in his childish, tiresome columns.

NorShor Theater to become Fleshlight factory

After years of being jerked around, the city of Duluth is finally moving to completion in its attempt to erect the NorShor Theater downtown. Mayor Don Ness announced today that the theater has been sold to ILF, Inc. The company plans to use the space to manufacture its flagship Fleshlight adult gratification products.

“It’s been a lot of long, hard work by rigid men,” said Ness, proudly waving a Fleshlight in his raised hand. “But this factory will lubricate our local economy and inseminate hundreds of jobs into the area. After years of being thrust again and again into slippery financial holes, we will finally be able to stimulate our economy with our own hands.”

Fleshlights are artificial ladyparts contained within a handy carrying case that looks like a flashlight. These portable vaginas/butts became popular in late 2012, after Bruce Springsteen used one while performing his hit song “Glory Days” on The Tonight Show. The short musical interlude after the second chorus provided just enough time for a demonstration.

A perfect 35th birthday

Well hello there, pretty lady on the bus. You’re looking quite . . . pretty. Sorry, I’m a professional writer, but I usually have a thesaurus. Anyway, I’ve noticed you don’t look angry or bitter. Perhaps you haven’t been hit on by a creepy stranger yet today?

Excellent! I love being the first! You may be wondering why I approached you. Well first, I’m looking to bang. But more importantly, I’ve noticed you have one eye that’s twitching and weird. I figure this flaw knocks you down at least two or three points on the social scale, causing general anxiety and low self-esteem. This may drag you down into my league.

All my life I’ve dreamed of meeting a beautiful woman with a lazy eye. It’s like finding a used car with a manual transmission or canned food at the supermarket with dents in them. Better suitors are scared away by these noticeable flaws, but not me. I’m out hunting for a bargain!

You’re dumb! Buy me, idiot!

Xbox One: Hey asshole, buy me!

Paul: Excuse me?

Xbox One: I’m a video game console. I’m friggin’ great! Buy me, shitbag!

Paul: Why do you keep insulting me?

Xbox One: Because you’re my bitch, and you’re going to buy me no matter how badly I treat you. Aren’t you, bitch?

PS4: No, buy me instead! I’m a PS3!

Paul: Aren’t you the PS4? I thought Sony’s new console was the PS4.

PS4: Oops, sorry. I meant to say PS4. I get the two of us mixed up sometimes. We’re quite similar. We both have bloated, poorly designed software. We both have a slow network with lots of downtime for maintenance. We have the same long wait for add-on content while Microsoft’s exclusivity periods expire. But fortunately, those things aren’t important to you!

Forty chicken nuggets

McD’s Worker: Hello, and welcome to McDonald’s! Can I interest you in 40 chicken nuggets for $8.99?

Paul: Good lord, no. Why would I want that? I’m by myself.

McD’s Worker: Sorry, they’ll fire me if I don’t offer the poorest possible health choices to every customer.

Paul: I’ll just get a cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: A double quarter pounder with cheese and super size fries?

Paul: No, just a regular cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: We don’t have small anymore. Small is now “children’s size”.

Paul: I’m pretty sure the children’s size is the recommended amount for a grown adult. You know you’re not supposed to eat a pound of potatoes in one serving, right?

McD’s Worker: At least we still hide the ketchup from everyone. That’s unintentionally healthy.