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NorShor Theater to become Fleshlight factory

After years of being jerked around, the city of Duluth is finally moving to completion in its attempt to erect the NorShor Theater downtown. Mayor Don Ness announced today that the theater has been sold to ILF, Inc. The company plans to use the space to manufacture its flagship Fleshlight adult gratification products.

“It’s been a lot of long, hard work by rigid men,” said Ness, proudly waving a Fleshlight in his raised hand. “But this factory will lubricate our local economy and inseminate hundreds of jobs into the area. After years of being thrust again and again into slippery financial holes, we will finally be able to stimulate our economy with our own hands.”

Fleshlights are artificial ladyparts contained within a handy carrying case that looks like a flashlight. These portable vaginas/butts became popular in late 2012, after Bruce Springsteen used one while performing his hit song “Glory Days” on The Tonight Show. The short musical interlude after the second chorus provided just enough time for a demonstration.

A perfect 35th birthday

Well hello there, pretty lady on the bus. You’re looking quite . . . pretty. Sorry, I’m a professional writer, but I usually have a thesaurus. Anyway, I’ve noticed you don’t look angry or bitter. Perhaps you haven’t been hit on by a creepy stranger yet today?

Excellent! I love being the first! You may be wondering why I approached you. Well first, I’m looking to bang. But more importantly, I’ve noticed you have one eye that’s twitching and weird. I figure this flaw knocks you down at least two or three points on the social scale, causing general anxiety and low self-esteem. This may drag you down into my league.

All my life I’ve dreamed of meeting a beautiful woman with a lazy eye. It’s like finding a used car with a manual transmission or canned food at the supermarket with dents in them. Better suitors are scared away by these noticeable flaws, but not me. I’m out hunting for a bargain!

You’re dumb! Buy me, idiot!

Xbox One: Hey asshole, buy me!

Paul: Excuse me?

Xbox One: I’m a video game console. I’m friggin’ great! Buy me, shitbag!

Paul: Why do you keep insulting me?

Xbox One: Because you’re my bitch, and you’re going to buy me no matter how badly I treat you. Aren’t you, bitch?

PS4: No, buy me instead! I’m a PS3!

Paul: Aren’t you the PS4? I thought Sony’s new console was the PS4.

PS4: Oops, sorry. I meant to say PS4. I get the two of us mixed up sometimes. We’re quite similar. We both have bloated, poorly designed software. We both have a slow network with lots of downtime for maintenance. We have the same long wait for add-on content while Microsoft’s exclusivity periods expire. But fortunately, those things aren’t important to you!

Forty chicken nuggets

McD’s Worker: Hello, and welcome to McDonald’s! Can I interest you in 40 chicken nuggets for $8.99?

Paul: Good lord, no. Why would I want that? I’m by myself.

McD’s Worker: Sorry, they’ll fire me if I don’t offer the poorest possible health choices to every customer.

Paul: I’ll just get a cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: A double quarter pounder with cheese and super size fries?

Paul: No, just a regular cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: We don’t have small anymore. Small is now “children’s size”.

Paul: I’m pretty sure the children’s size is the recommended amount for a grown adult. You know you’re not supposed to eat a pound of potatoes in one serving, right?

McD’s Worker: At least we still hide the ketchup from everyone. That’s unintentionally healthy.

Jesus Christ!

A bearded man sits at a table in a small room. The space is completely empty except for the table, a folding chair and a hamburger phone. The phone rings, and the man answers it.

“Hello, Jesus speaking. How may I help you? Yes, I remember your grandfather. Well, he died because he was old. Look kid, I didn’t “take” him from you, his organs just stopped working. Shit breaks. Get used to it. Grandpas don’t come with warranties. You ever buy a box of pens, and you take a fresh one out of the box and ink starts leaking all over the place? It’s kinda like that. Shit happens. Sorry.”

Jesus hangs up. The phone immediately rings again. Jesus answers.

“Hello, Jesus speaking. How may I help you? No, I’m not terribly concerned that the Jets haven’t won a Super Bowl in a while. I’ve got more important things to worry about. To be honest, I don’t even follow sports. No, it’s not that. I like sports. I used to follow them religiously when I was a kid, but now I’m older and I’ve got a full-time job with long hours, and I just don’t have time to keep up with the games and everything. You know how it goes. Who? Sorry, I don’t know who that is. I’m glad he’s a big fan of mine, but he’s probably the second string quarterback for a reason. Look man, I’ve got like a thousand little kids a day calling because they’ve got cancer. The Jets can handle their own shit. Maybe tell them to focus more on free agency.”