After years of being jerked around, the city of Duluth is finally moving to completion in its attempt to erect the NorShor Theater downtown. Mayor Don Ness announced today that the theater has been sold to ILF, Inc. The company plans to use the space to manufacture its flagship Fleshlight adult gratification products.
“It’s been a lot of long, hard work by rigid men,” said Ness, proudly waving a Fleshlight in his raised hand. “But this factory will lubricate our local economy and inseminate hundreds of jobs into the area. After years of being thrust again and again into slippery financial holes, we will finally be able to stimulate our economy with our own hands.”
Fleshlights are artificial ladyparts contained within a handy carrying case that looks like a flashlight. These portable vaginas/butts became popular in late 2012, after Bruce Springsteen used one while performing his hit song “Glory Days” on The Tonight Show. The short musical interlude after the second chorus provided just enough time for a demonstration.
Many Duluthians have never heard of the company, and seem confused – or perhaps in denial – about what is being sold.
“I looked at their website, and their products seem . . . interesting,” said Erin Brown of Bovey, MN. “They have a product called ‘Ice Butt with Wonder Wave.’ That’s a funny name for a rubber cat toy.”
Other locals were excited about the announcement only because they misheard the name of the product being produced.
“I can’t wait to get one in my hands!” said Donald Kempton of Superior, WI. “All the flashlights made today are cheap Chinese ones that break easily. Now we’ll finally have some American made flashlights. I hear they make them exclusively for men! Those must be some powerful flashlights. I hope they make them ribbed on the outside, like those nice Eveready ones from the ‘80s.”
In order to lure the company to Duluth, Mayor Ness agreed to let them rebuild the NorShor’s old 64-foot lighted tower and turn it into a giant Fleshlight. The enormous structure will be visible from every location in the Twin Ports, and when lighted at night, will be seen as far away as Two Harbors. The tower will be an actual working Fleshlight Forbidden, a version with internals modeled after porn star Asa Akira’s actual butthole.
When asked if she’ll be attending the opening of the factory in 2015, Akira politely declined, saying fall is the busy season for filming, so she will likely be too sore to walk.
Supporters of the development deal know not everyone will agree with ILF, Inc. coming to town, but they’re hoping most residents will be understanding.
“Some people have a moral issue with flashlights that you can stick your penis into,” said Mike Swanson, president of Duluth’s Economic Development Department. “But this is 2014. Our population is growing. If we want to compete and survive, we need to modernize our city with penis flashlight factories, Tijuana style cockfighting arenas and medical marijuana dispensaries that also offer genital piercings. We’re not Chicago, thankfully. We’re going to be better than Chicago.”
“We’re not Chicago” is a common phrase used by locals to reassure each other that a proposed change will not bring additional minorities into the community. Twin Ports residents are notoriously terrified of minorities, and have been known to cross to the other side of the street upon seeing sunburnt Caucasian people who just returned from a vacation.
Fortunately, inserting one’s penis into a flashlight filled with goo is an activity almost exclusively participated in by Caucasians. Since white people make up 97.8 percent of Duluth’s population, the arrival of ILF, Inc. seems to be a perfect fit.
“We’re excited to make Duluth our port in the storm,” said Dick Bohnes, president of ILF, Inc. “We proudly bring class and sophistication to the act of beating your private parts until they leak, and we plan to bring that same class to the Twin Ports.”
Bohnes then walked away from the podium, revealing that he was not wearing any pants.
Construction has already begun on the project, which is scheduled to be completed in 2015. Ness believes this factory will be the first brick in building Duluth’s more profitable future.
“We used to do business with a lot of seamen,” said Ness. “They’d give us what we wanted, and we’d pay them for it. But we’ve grown since then, and there’s not enough seamen in the world to satisfy us anymore. So we’re taking a DIY approach. Sometimes the best things in life are the gifts you give yourself.”