Note: This column was written during my senior year of high school, and published in the Spartan Spotlite.
Soooo, what did you think of the last article? Did I waste the whole thing begging for your forgiveness for those earlier, more crappy issues? Yes. Yes I did. I was asking for forgiveness from you all. I’m so sorry. In case you didn’t know, that was sarcasm that I just wrote. Yup, that’s right! Sarcasm! That’s what the last article was chock full of! Nothing but complete, total bull, designed specifically to tick you off! Disclaimers, whining, apologies– all meaningless! You’ve been fooled – well, actually I don’t think any of you were. Hopefully you all got it. I hope you all don’t actually take me seriously, because I can write this stuff whenever I want! I can turn it on and off like a faucet! “Boy oh boy, is Keith Sweat’s music good.” See! There – I did it again! Let’s try another one. “Yes, I love a girl with a buzzcut.” Fun, isn’t it?
I’m in Physics class now. I’m drinking Mountain Dew (We’ve sold out here in Spotlite, so now we get $50 every time we mention Mountain Dew). We’re talking about colors. It’s fun – almost like being in kindergarten again. Yellow and blue make green. Green like Mountain Dew (Cha-ching $100!). Gee, let me write that in my notes so I don’t forget it. Boy, can’t wait to take this test. Speaking of little kids stuff, ever seen that show “Muppet Babies?” It s- oops. Um . . . it um, it ah . . . it makes like a Hoover (writer’s note: my high school administrators decided that we couldn’t say “suck” anymore, so we had to find other ways of saying it). I don’t like it, it scares me. All the muppet characters look hideous. Kermit wears a sailor suit (Reminds me of “The Village People.” Sick, sick, sick!). Scooter and Skeeter look like circus freaks. Ralph wears a diaper (Have you ever seen a dog wear a diaper? No! Though I guess having Nanny carry around a pooper scooper or spreading newspapers around the nursery would be a bit crude for a cartoon show). Fozzie plays with rubber chickens. Bunsen and Beaker are already both nearly bald, even though they’re only about two years old. Nanny wears socks just like the ones that the wicked witch of the west wears in “The Wizard of Oz.” It’s a horrible, dirty show and parents shouldn’t let their children watch it. For God’s sake, have them watch “Melrose Place” or something.
Now I’m really bored. This Physics lesson was easy before, which made it boring. But now that it’s getting harder, it’s surprisingly even more boring. I need a happy medium – like a sideshow a couple times an hour to keep my attention. Like maybe one of those circus acts – with the bear driving around in the little car, or those singing dogs that were on Letterman. Maybe a daily lotto drawing in the middle of class. That’s what’s wrong with this school – it’s boring and everything’s all messed up. Take, for instance, the fire extinguishers. Why are the fire extinguisher boxes locked? There’s no “break glass in case of emergency” sign, probably because there isn’t any glass there – it’s plexiglass. So what happens if there’s a fire? do I have to run down to the office and ask for a key? Wow – dumb, huh?
Another thing is that Global Language Week Medallion (writer’s note: it’s a contest our school has every year where you get clues in a different language that lead to the medallion, which is worth some $$$). Dave Truscio found it before anyone. But because he isn’t a language student, he couldn’t get $25 for it. So he decided to take it hostage instead, and asked for help from me and Ian Talty. We decided to make a terrorist video, saying that we captured it, and that to find it, the Global Language people would have to follow our set of clues. Well, the only problem was that the word had gotten out that we were holding it hostage, so on Wednesday the Global language people put out a second medallion – which was then found by those two German students. So that’s why you heard the message “Despite rumors, the gold medallion hunt is still on” on the announcements Thursday morning. They refused to show our terrorist video. Losers. We gave our original medallion to a language student to be turned in for $25. Then we all drank Mountain Dew (Cha-ching $150!). Hey aren’t you all glad that you know the real story now?
I’m still in Physics. It’s a blast, but I’d still rather be doing something less constructive and more pointless – like watching Sea Monkeys grow, or attending one of our school’s oh-so interesting assemblies in the auditorium. Speaking of pointless things, how about those horoscope calendars? Don’t buy them, they’re stupid. I got one for Christmas. One of the recent horoscopes on mine was “Today is Tuesday, use that to improve yourself. A co-worker of yours will get a raise. Park the car a little closer to the curb today.” Okay – first of all, why do I care if my co-worker gets a raise? Secondly, never in my life have I improved myself based solely on the fact that I knew what day it was. Lastly, I park in a garage, not on the street. How come the calendar didn’t know that?
While I’m on it, I’d like to list a few other pointless facts: 1. Mountain Dew is the official soft drink of the Spartan Spotlite staff (Cha-ching $200!). 2. “Funkdafied” is not a real word. 3. Hackey sack is not exercise. 4. There are 15, count ’em 15 exclamation points in this article. 5. The White Castle hotline (1-800-THE-CRAVE) is, in fact, utterly pointless. 6. Our school’s chicken patty sandwiches aren’t made from chicken. 7. NO ONE likes Michael Bolton. 8. If you drive West on 76th street (In Richfield, Minnesota), the minute you get into Edina (By York Ave.) the pavement gets all sparkly (It’s true – go look, ya “Oh,-I-don’t-believe-this-guy-just-because-he’s-a-flaming-moron” type person).
Well, that’s about it for now. We’ve done lots and lots and lots and lots and lotsa stuff – and I’ll bet you’ve had enough. Have a good day boys and girls. Call the White Castle hotline, stay away from Michael Bolton, drink Mountain Dew (Cha-ching $250!), and please, please stop saying “Funkdafied.”
Readers: The story about the medallion that I told you was true. Also, the student who turned in the original Global Language medallion never got his $25. I’ve also heard a number of people say that the student who won it last year never got any prize money either.