Note: This column was written during my sophomore year at the University of Wisconsin-Superior, and published in the Promethean.
Sometimes I wonder about things. A lot of the time these things I wonder of aren’t printed, for fear that people will be offended. Well, no more. For this Promethean pamphlet (I’d call it a newspaper, but I’m trying to be serious here) I’m going to list all these thoughts. So put the children to bed, send grandma to church, and put the dog in the bathtub, for this is uncensored writing.
*The Promethean doesn’t hate SUFAC, we’re just mad because we can’t figure out what the letters stand for
*Why does every local T.V. station in this area have at least one news anchor with a lazy eye? Most of the people working for the local news on T.V. either have a lazy eye, have major premature balding, or are just plain ugly
*I’ve noticed that people who wear bright, multi-colored sweaters are usually pretty dorky– and there’s a lot of them at this school
*Say what you want, but women just don’t know how to drive
*I like Canadians, but I’m sick of hearing them talk about how Canada is so much better than here. If I have to hear one more complaint about America not having ketchup-flavored potato chips, I’m just gonna snap.
I’m pretty sure I offended everyone in some way with that listing. I take full responsibility for making you mad, but think about it for a minute. You may be mad because of one of the comments, but you probably laughed at the ones that had nothing to do with you. We’re all hypocrites, so instead of complaining, why don’t we all concentrate a little more on laughing at others. I know I do.
You know what? People complain about sexual harassment, but I could sure stand having some more sent my way. What I wouldn’t give to hear a whistle, catcall, or “Hey Paul– nice butt!” as I’m walking down the street. I’d enjoy the attention, and it would be a nice ego booster too. So if you see me walking somewhere, feel free to scream, “do those legs go all the way up?” or “take it off!”
Well, UWS came out with a student, staff, and faculty directory a little while ago. It’s awfully nice of our University to provide the proper tools for stalking people. Before I could only get their phone number and leave chipmunk noises on their answering machine at 3 a.m., but now I can also send them dirty letters and unusual articles of my clothing in the mail. Or maybe I could just forward them lots of stupid and pointless e-mails that say, “Virtual snowball fight! You’ve been hit with a snowball! Send this to 60 people in the next five minutes, or I’ll hit you with my car!”
Breakaway pants. Let’s stop the fad before it goes too far. More and more people are wearing these “breakaway” pants every day. What a weird society it will be when all of us are wearing them. The world will be living with the joyous knowledge that at any moment, everyone’s pants could be torn off. In the blink of an eye, we could all be naked. If that happened, I think we’d all just laugh and point a lot. Especially at me.
The Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/Other crap season is coming up, and we all need to make a greedy list of things that people should give us. So here’s mine.
1. Someone to use my articles for something other than toilet paper
2. The chancellor to wear a cowboy hat
3. UWS undies
4. For moon boots to come back in style
5. Just once, to not be carded at a PG-13 movie